My road to being free of Massage parlors/Online-Dating/etc.

Hey guys,

I am in my 20´s, from Germany, so I have to excuse for my English in advance and just hope to get better from reading your posts and from writing myself.
I write you, because of today, it's been a little more than a week, that my girlfriend (or now ex) found out about my addiction and my behaviour. Over the past 5 years we have been together, I visited Massage parlors from time to time and made numerous accounts on different dating-platforms, to find people to have kinds of sex with, I wouldn't tell my gf that I would like (or it's not even that I would like, but rather just having the fantasy because of porn, pornographic texts, etc.).
So basically, I cheated on her numerous times, have been lying to her on so many occasions, even not sex-related things and just now feel like a wreck (and she of course too).

It all started at the age of about 11/12 when I first found some striptease on TV on the channels, that were very far from the normal ones I'd watch. It's also the first time that I masturbated, even not actually knowing how to do it.
From then on, I discovered that I was more and more interested in the whole act, and just reading something about massage parlors, porn videos etc. just made the urge so big, that at the age of 19 I couldn't resist, and visited the first MP. I felt terribly afterwards, but still I found myself a month later just looking up again, if there are others.
Sometimes just masturbating felt like a relief and I didn't feel the urge to visit an MP afterwards, but sometimes I purposely didn't want to masturbate, just to feel the urge of going there.
When my gf and me started to be a couple, the urge was gone for a while, even a couple of years and I thought, that I might be "healed". Until I had to find out later, that it just backfired and came back stronger than before. When MP just didn't do it anymore for me, I started joining Online-Dating Apps, mainly those that were really straightforward about what people are looking for there and from then on everything went downhill. I was looking for couples for threesomes, Submissive partners, etc. and meanwhile my sex-life with my gf was just getting worse.
I eventually met some women there, but it actually never came to vaginal sex, but oral indeed. And well now, she found out about it and my life just feels shattered, because she was the love of my life, tho I know it doesn't look like this at this point..

No matter what will happen to our relationship, I know that I have to get out of this so I will be posting (I hope daily) about my journey. I also attend a therapist once in a week, so there is someone I can talk to professionally.
I don't know if I will be succesful, and I almost surely will fail sometimes, but I want to keep going and maybe help others with my story.

 

It's now day 2 (Day 0 and 1 were before my first post) and so far, apart from the moment after I woke up, I didn't feel urge. The mornings tho are the toughest, mainly because it's the most lazy time of the day when I wake up, the phone is near and you can get so easily access to anything related to sex in this situation. But through my entire life I remember feeling the urge mostly in the mornings and the more I'm occupied, the less I will spent time looking up bad things.
I also talked a lot with my ex-gf today, telling her that I will try to defeat this, but also learned a lot about her feelings, and the situation she suddenly finds herself in: She did nothing wrong, yet she lost everything. I can say that I will do therapy and be a better person, she feels that the only thing she can do is deal with a trauma and just hoping to get back to normal someday. And the worst: I should have known this and maybe I even did. That this will come out, and I will make terrible damage to her. This is what hurts the most at the moment, not the addiction itself, but I'm only beginning and I know tougher days will come.

 

Day 3 and still, I didn't feel much of an urge today. First thing I wrote in the morning was, that my ex-gf wants to pause our contact for a while. The next message I saw that my grandmother died in the night. So well, it was a tough morning emotionally.
I later had therapy, which felt good and I told my therapist about me writing here. And I talked to her how I should react to urges and we clarified, that I don't have a problem with masturbation itself, it's rather the online-dating, Massage-parlor and cybersex stuff, that is really hurting me the most. So she explained, that if masturbation is done in a moment of arousal, which is naturally for my age, it's nothing bad and should be okay. But I should stay away from the other things. So I will see about the next days.
And well, an hour before this post I received the message, that my ex maybe wants to shut our contact for good. So, I know there will be a sleepless night ahead.

 

I didn´t find time to post yesterday, but now I do:
Day 4 was a little tougher. It's the first day I remember actively thinking, although very lite, about opening some page of a massage parlor or the Online-Dating Apps. It wasn't so hard as to immediately look sth up, but I did thought about them for a couple of seconds, than forgot. An hour or two later, the same again.
So I do start to feel, that this won't be easy, but I still am very convinced, that I can do this

 

So, I unfortunately didn't had much time and sometimes just didn't feel to write here, but I will still continue and I hope on a more daily basis.
My grandma died last week, the funeral was Wednesday and additionally there were a lot of conversations with my ex.
Basically, you could say it's Day 10 of not consuming any kind of porn, Dating-Apps, Massage Parlors, etc. and to be honest: I thought it would be tougher. I guess talking with my ex and the little hope it gives me, is enough to stop the urges to explode suddenly. Of course I still attended therapy, had to cancel it today unfortunately, but I feel like there is someone that really want to help and let me take different directions in thinking.
One thing I am not proud of, which was a big mistake: My ex told me, that she could be open to develop some trust again, but build it again from the beginning. This only by the condition, that I won't lie to her again. The first days, I was doing fine with it, I didn't lie to her as far as I can remember. Later she suggested, that we could change our conversation, so that I could give her the truth about feelings I had in the relationship (or now) or thoughts, that I normally haven't told her. And maybe talk about it, but giving her nothing but truth.
Yesterday, I didn't told her what I was doing in the evening (I spend the evening totally different than I told her, and made up a story). This was, because I thought that what I was doing could lead to a conflict. And well, she did find out, again I completely lost her trust and there is little hope, that this can heal again. This really feels like a Great Friday to me, I feel like all hope is lost.

 

Another day has passed, so it's Day 11. It feels weird to write about my urges, because again, I had almost none. A little bit in the morning, but I managed to just watch some YouTube videos instead that helped me to get other thoughts. I sometimes think: Maybe it's not an addiction? But I think the whole situation is somehow so fresh and the guilt about what I did to my ex is very strong. It's just a theory, but I think that this could be one of the reasons I manage it quite good so far.
Other than that, talking to my ex after the lie I told her again, is very tough. If I made a half step towards sth good in the days before, the lie now feels like a hundred steps back in the wrong direction. And the way she found out about it was.. ironic. I still can't believe it, and although I was raised rc, but have lost some of my faith in the last years, this moment felt as like a higher power was behind it. Almost scary. But righteous so.
I fear what my journey will be, when holidays are over and I'll have to go back to my regular life, meeting people in university, etc. If maybe this could lead to me feeling maybe feelings, I know don't have and then lead me into the wrong direction again. I don't know to be honest.

 

Day 12 and 13:
Well if I counted masturbation as relapsing, then yes, I did relapse. But as I wrote in an earlier post, my therapist said, that I should focus on the cybersex/massage-parlor addiction for now, and masturbation is the lesser evil in this case. So yeah, it happened in the morning, because I woke up very aroused by actually nothing in particular. And it would be this moment, I normally would have entered the internet, Online-Dating Apps, or Massage Parlor Homepages. But I didn't and after masturbating, the urge was gone immediately. So therefore, it's a small, not clean, but a small victory I'd say.

 

Yes, this is so true. I am so used to lying about literally everything, even if it doesn't matter, it's shocking. But I think the reason behind it was, that my mother always wanted to have everything under her control. I learned as a child, that if I don't tell her the truth, or just change the truth a little bit, she won't freak out and life will be better. That led to the assumption, that lies generally make life easier. But it's the opposite. In Germany is a saying that "lies have short legs" and it's so true.
What's making me sad ist, that I told my parents everything about my addiction. I could not longer hide it, they knew my gf broke up with me and I just had to tell them the truth about why. And they were very worried of course, but still wanted to tell me, that they will give me any help they can. But I sometimes still feel, that they aren't listening. I told them, that I was lying to them so much, because I feared my mothers reaction. And they just don't understand. Its more a "what? But Why, you didn't had to". But I had to, because she'd freak out otherwise. SO telling them was relieving on the one hand, but now brings some new problems with it.
As to my journey, Day 14 was a little tougher at one point. I really was very close to open a massage parlor homepage or look up anything else, but I could resist. I want to be honest: The fear of losing my ex forever is at this moment harder for me, that not to look up on the internet. Maybe it's this fear, that helps me. It's complicated.

 

Wow, I just wrote a whole text and it just kicked me out and everything is gone T.T.
Well I try again:
I was with my sister in the last week, so that's the reason I didn't find time to write here. It was a good time, I opened myself to her and her husband and we had very good talks. But we could also spend some quality time together, because she lives near som nice wandering routes, hills and stuff.
There were also moments were I felt very bad actually. My ex blocked me on WhatsApp for a couple of hours, but the moment I saw I was blocked, I felt like the world was ending. The feeling of never hear from her again just made me feel sick. Luckily, she later unblocked me.
About my urges:
I feel actually quite good, tho last Sunday was very hard. I was very close to relapse again, but I stood strong. What I can say so far ist, that the mornings are decisive. Like, if I just wake up, get out of bed and start the day, everything fine. But if I stay in bed, watch some YouTube or whatever, I can really feel the urge begin to slowly develop. So I think there's a point where I can break the habit, but otherwise I sometimes think, if it's better to learn to face it. I don't know.
I also bought the book "Breaking the Cycle" by George N. Collins who was a sex addict himself and is now psychotherapist. I can't recommend it for now, because I'm only 50 pages in, but his excercises seem logical so far and I feel some fresh motivation.

 

Another day passed and it was.. a good one I guess? Let me explain:
Well I actually had some urges today again, but thanks to the the book I talked about yesterday, I could stop so fast. I used one of the tips George Collins gave and he calls it the amphitheater. It's about imagining that you're in the amphitheater with the spotlights on you and you can't see the spectators. They are all the sub personalities you developed over your life and one of them is the sub personality of your addiction. It's about looking for it, giving it a name, facing it and just tell him to stop when the urges attack. And well, it may sound weird in the beginning, but I actually could face him today and told him, that I won't bow to him and his needs. I just told myself "I am stronger than my urges" and "I am more than my addiction". This is a sentence of his book and I think it is very strong to tell yourself, that your are even more than what your mind tells you. You always have a choice.
Additionally, I had a very good conversation with my ex today. It was the first time since everything went downhill, that we talked in a calm manner, even talking about ideas how we imagined a relationship with one another if it should ever happen. Later we agreed, to give ourselves now a week of time with now communication and it sounds contrary to what I wrote before, but I told her, that I will need time to change and everyday now, can help me to get better. She also has to focus on a very important task in her life now. After that week we will be talking to each other and share our feelings. I am curious where this will lead, and it's sad not to hear from her for a week. But maybe this will help.

 

Another day passed. My urges today weren't there in the morning, but rather later in the evening after I came home from gym. But I still did not relapse and it feels good, but let me tell you this: You have to actively refuse. I am clearly saying to my inner addict "No, you won't win this time!". And it helps. I gave him a name, I'll call him that name and tell him to stop. And it feels good, it really helps.
I journaled my day today, just to see how I spend my time. I want to try to get a healthier lifestyle in every matter: Getting up earlier, reading, working out, studying, etc. Yes, I won't be successful everywhere, but it keeps my mind from getting this bad thoughts.

 

Yes I totally feel this. The problem is, that I have to actively think about not to lie. It's just so weird, that honesty, which is like the normal state of things, is something I have to actively think about. It got better over the past weeks, though. In the beginning I had a constant fear about what my gf could find out, that I have forgotten about. I mean, you really forget about your lies, if they are so many. But truth will defend itself in the end.

 

I´m doing pretty okay these days. As I told before, my ex and me stopped contact for a week. Well, yesterday we actually talked a little, cause she was feeling bad. But we continue now. And yeah, there are a lot of moments were I just think about writing her like we once did. Like just asking what she's doing, or telling something funny, interesting, whatever. Then I remind myself, that this is not, what it looks like now. And that even rebuilding things (should we ever get together again), ist not enough. It has to be about building things, that weren't there before. And yes, I know, that it may be impossible. Just imagining that she could ever trust me again, is very difficult. But I just don't want to give up on me, don't want to give up on us. But it needs time. Time, where I can face my inner addict and tell him to stop.
My urges where okay these days, but I just feel, that there is something lurking. The constant reminding of what was, or at which moment I normally would have downloaded a dating app. It feels very real still and I hope, that I can really learn to face this. But in general, I think things are better now, then they were in the beginning. I, and we just need to keep going.