My pregnant girlfriend had a miscarriage and left me.

I'm 27, I've been doing NoFap for over a year. My longest streak was around 50 days, my average is just shy of 30.

I'm at an extremely difficult point in my Nofap journey, and in my life, and believe it to be make or break time. My girlfriend, whom was pregnant of 3 months, broke up with me 2 weeks ago, having left me a message saying she'd had a miscarriage, and wanted to break up, she then immediately blocked me and cut all communications with me.

At two weeks I took it well, I was in shock at first, and broke down at one point, but then I got right back up again, and didn't feel so beat down (around 30-40 DaysNoFap +RegSex). I hadn't been thinking of nofap for months. I was in a relationship, and she had unknowingly helped me kick the addiction.

2 weeks after the break up, I had a nocturnal emission, the day was tough, I started to crack, and then I relapsed that evening. I'm now at day 5. The emotions, and thoughts are running circles around me, I can't think straight, I feel torn apart, I'm starting to doubt, and question myself, and her. I'm thinking all the things I thought before, and it's terrifying.

I'm glad I found NoFap. I must not fall into the addiction again. I'm here to stop. I'm here to pick myself up for the last time, and to remind you all, and at some point, myself, that this journey is the hardest journey you will ever make. Don't make it harder for yourself.

When you make the commitment to Start NoFap, don't do what me and so many others did. Cut it all out. Take your phone, your laptop, your pc, install every blocker you can. Download apps for your browsers and phones to block it. Change your router DNS. Install ColdTurkey and limit your social media time. Block it all. Every app. Every device you can think of. Set yourself up to win, every time you fail. When you find a hole, and cave in to cravings, patch the holes. Every damned timel, promise yourself, that you will make it harder for yourself to fall, every time, until there are no more times.

I'm glad to be a part of this.

 

Hi all, appologies for the delay, and thanks for taking the time to respond. I'm now on day 21, I have struggled with what feels like psychosis for the last 3 weeks, although this latter week has been quite bearable. I passed the first and second threshhold this last week, the first being day 17, where the majority of the psychosis, deppression, and anxiety ceased, at least to a degree whereby I am able to function, and the second threshhold was passed towards the end of day 19, where I suddenly felt much clearer minded, confident, and alert (fading of brain fog/restoration of energies and presence). Going back, the first two weeks have been, I believe, the worst weeks of my life, and I have struggled to maintain psychological stability, I believe this to be a result of not only the circomstances faced, but the fact that I also had 2 wet dreams during that time, suicidal thoughts have bombarded my mind, and I have been able to surive them by comtinually visuallising a demonic presence, this has helped me fight the negativity, as I am able to think from the perspective that these thoughts are being forced into my mind by something other than myself, as if a universal presence/energy is forcing me to feel that way because I relapsed. This has enabled me to reassert to myself that this battle must be won. Now I am towards the end of week 3, I am stabalising, and I am able to work, and function adequately. After the second threshhold, I did have my third NE(Nocturnal Emission/Wet Dream), and this has induced a more intense state of anxiety/depression, however, I am firm in my belief that I must beat this, and as such, continue to tell myself, that the unpleasantness of the NE, is the universe's way, of testing my resolve, and that by not giving up, and marching through it mercilessly, I will recover from it soon, better than before. I am towards the latter end of day 2 since NE3, and have noticed that although the initial day truly tested me (Insane suicidal thoughts/depression, had a breakdown), I now feel much better, and anticipate that any benefits gained will return by tomorrow (Even if they don't, I don't care). My long term state of mind, that which I keep repeating to myself, is that this is a state of recovery, that I cannot, and will not alow myself to suffer as I have, and that I cannot let this demon win. "I am in a state of recovery. I have not yet recovered. I will recover in time. It is not an option. I will slay this demon".

My strategy, or at least, my adopted coping methods and tools, consist of the following:

Cold Showers
(I have started taking cold showers. They appear to not only shock the system into dispelling cravings, they also help to reinforce the mind. Start warm, psych up, verbalise the line "Every victory makes me stronger", gradually turn it colder. I step out of the shower, and I am so consumed by adrenaline, that my mind stabilizes for around an hour. During the initial week, these showers were a lifesaver, they should not be doubted)

Supplementation
I have found that supplementation has aided me, however, it is not as effective as the showers, supplementation just takes the edge off, and I believe has helped me cope with the anxiety, and to some degree the depression, although, I believe the depression has been so severe, I couldn't honestly tell you if the supplements helped. Perhaps still being here is indicative, who knows.
I have gradually accumulated every supplement you can think of over the past half year, and have established a good understanding regarding what supplement combos in what doses produce what effects, for the most part, these have enabled me to continue working to within an adequate standard, (I am a full-time degree-apprentice/employee at a corporate management consultancy firm).

My regime for the first 2 weeks was as follows:
Zinc Gluconate x 2
Vitamin C x 2
Selenium ACE x 1
Vitamin B3 (Niacinamide) x 1
Vitamin B6 x 1
Vitamin B12 x 2
Omega 3 x 2
Chromium x 1
MSM x 1
Vitamin D x 2
Magnesium x 2

I follow up with the same in the evening where appropriate. This combination has a very therapeutic, calming effect, and enables me to maintain minimal working cognitive capacity, however, anxiety and depression still hits periodically, becoming more and more present the further through the day you get. Now that I am past the second threshold, I have been able to function without the need for a double dose, and once I pass the third, I should be able to get by relatively well without, I will however continue supplimentation once I hit another NE, or down-phase/flatline.

Home Changes
In order to prevent slipping up on any account, I not only blocked P on my pc, but on my router and Mobile Phone, I installed Cold Turkey, K9, and number of other in-browser blockers on my pc, and limited my social networking exposure (10 mins per day). By mid second week, I even went so far as to take the SSD out of my pc, and gave to my mother for safekeeping, and she is to only give it back when she wants to watch a movie with me (PC linked to living room tv). I have blockers on my mobile, but this doesn't appear to be too big an issue.

Social Life/Activities
I have instructed my closest friends to do whatever it takes to keep me busy, whether it be working with them on odd-jobs over the weekend (Regardless of pay), or just going out. Either way, I must keep active, and away from myself (both physically and psychologically). We will start a gym/exercise regime next week. This will also help keep me occupied.

Regarding the relationship... I can't tell all at the moment, as it is too complex to explain in a single sitting. I will however say this; I honestly believe she had an abortion, and I truly believe I brought this on myself. I have only myself, and my addiction, to blame. I will at some point attempt to explain all of the dynamics at play regarding how P, more than MO, over the last 27 years of my life, has been a primary contributive factor. The fact is, this was my doing, my mind was not clean, the cumulative effects of a life with PMO, has fed the demon in my head, and even though I was not MO, I could not get away from the P. That P was enough to keep the demon alive, and at my moment of weakness, when my pregnant woman needed me, the demon got out. This is why I cannot do this anymore. I have 2 choices, get clean, or give up. That is all it comes to now. Just me and my demon, closest of my friends for 27 years, is my greatest enemy, and I have identified him, and I fight him, and I will slay him.

I would also like to point out, that along with PMO, I have realised that there are a range of other 'substances'/'activities' which have contributed to my psychological disposition. As such, I have made a vow to myself, to cease consumption of these substances, however, my primary goal is recovery from PMO, and I will not be distracted from that. The following substances I am making an active effort to remove from my life also:

In descending order, from most difficult to avoid, to least:
Weed/Cannabis
Alcohol
Nicotine
Heavy Powders

I would also like to make a point, that I believe that the pain of loss is highly influential, if not motivational, and although it is almost unbearable most of the time, I know it will fade. Due to my experience, I am actually fearful of this, as I know from past experience with nofap, that the demon has a tendency to take you by surprise, towards the healthy end of a streak. As I no longer look at my nofap objective, in terms of successful streaks (This is recovery, not a manageable day counter), I have, as hard as it is, been sure to remind myself of my pain every day. I believe this is going to be a key factor in the prevention of relapse. Counter-intuitive, perhaps, but I cannot risk being blindsided, and so I make every preparation for the attack, as painful as those preparations may be.