My Long-Winded Musings on Celibacy

So an extremely hot girl texted me tonight. We had had sex before, about a year and a half ago, but since then she had been dating someone. She broke up with him three or four days ago. I went celibate yesterday. She hit me up today: "Hey, what are you doing tonight? <3" This is a girl I've been waiting to sleep with for a year and a half. She is the hottest girl on this planet. And I'm not going to.

Why?

Well, I think it's best to remind myself why I won't. There are a few reasons. I'm not sure how to prioritize them, so in random order.

1. I don't want to be a slave to my hedonistic temptations anymore. I'm tempted to have sex with her because she's super hot, and having sex with an attractive woman satisfies this deep, masculine, primal instinct inside me. Makes me feel good all over. But if I am not practiced in saying "no" to that temptation, I will be weak in the face of it and allow it to distract from more important priorities.

2. I don't feel comfortable with the amount of people I've had sex with. I've had sex with six of my coworkers. Six. So many that often times, I'm working with two or three that I've all seen naked and all put my dick in. I'm too emotional for that–I can't bear myself for so many people. I can't spread myself so thin.

3. Sex makes me feel less lonely. And often, I feel myself soul-crushingly lonely. But y'know what? This sounds really, really cheesy. But I think more often than not, a hug will appease a big chunk of that loneliness. If I have sex because I'm lonely, especially if it's with one person for a long time, that vulnerability I'm sharing with them will fuck me up in the long run. My whole psyche becomes used to shedding excess weight off into that sex, or the prospect of sex, and then I become attached and weak. In this sense, sex is really, really powerful, and celibacy will remind me of how vital it is to treat is responsibly.

4. I THINK this is the big one. A recent discovery of mine is that I struggle really profoundly with connecting to people. Most people don't understand my motivations due to their intricate nature and way-too-in-depth-ness. I'm not bragging–it drives me insane and wears me out, how deep my motivations and paradigms go. So naturally, others don't have the time, patience, selflessness, or state of mind to understand me either. So I've grown into not asking them to. My walls stand tall compulsively, bringing along with them a not-holistically-genuine self-expression. My loneliness grasps for whatever it can get out of peoples' personalities. Eventually, this translates into "using" people for what I can get out them. I see people for their utility to me, and not for the beauty (or ugliness) of their character. How does sex relate? When I "need" sex, I ask it from someone I don't otherwise care about. I don't want that motivation seeping into my meaningful relationships. I don't want to harden my body with meaningless sex when, once in a blue moon, sex turns meaningful. I don't want to accidentally hurt anyone I end up really truly caring about. And the stepping stone into really, actually internalizing that is by not having sex with anyone.

So, that's why I'm celibate. Why I included the "O" in my PMO.

For those who made it this far, thanks for listening.

-forairports

 

Yeah dude!! That's exactly what I mean. And it takes such a heavy, constant reminder not to use people for sex because it's like your whole body is primed for it. All of your intentions are just pointed towards this one thing, sex, even though before sex and after sex you're still lonely. The feeling of not being lonely while having sex is not worth the repercussions made after sex. And that's really, really hard to remember.

Also yeah man. Getting to know people on a personal level is damn near impossible for me, just because there is so much there that takes so much patience and chemistry to understand. And I hurt people all the time. Really scary stuff. Glad to hear you can relate.

 

I totally feel you. The "obviously no chemistry with" part is so fucking relatable. And I dunno if you vibe with this, but one of the worst parts to think about for me is that that "warm body" is a human being. Just a human as you and I. That part really messes with me.

Here's another thing I've been thinking about (and I might make a post about this in the future..). Having sex with someone is a temporary high, and it kind of takes the responsibility of your own loneliness off your shoulders for a little bit. But where's the ownership in that? What other things have you been shirking on? Like it's okay to take a break from stress every now and then, but using other people's time and body as your first defense against your biggest problems? That isn't a sustainable way to live. It's using the ownership you have over your body to hurt yourself in the long run.