My lies really held me back after D Day

Hi I'm new here and not sure what kind of response I'm going to get but my wife said once the more I put it all out there then the more it all becomes a reality for me and therefore the more I have to own up and take responsibility for it all. And I would agree with that so I'm just going to put it all out there and see what happens and hopefully I can get some advice or guidance from some of the people who have been through what I have and come out the other side.
I am 38 been with my wife for 16 years and started PMO shortly after the birth of our first son in 2006 our second son was born 2008. I had actually started building resentment and hatred towards her as well as a consequence of other things that where happening in our life. All this resentment was false and not real I had taken something and twisted it in my head and held it against her. I went ott and was totaly obsessing and compulsively viewing P and PMO whenever I got the chance. I was obsessing about oral sex and watched a lot of that kind of P. My wife figured out what I was up to because of pop ups and things like that on the home pc and because of my behaviour in the bedroom. I was rough like the P and projected that on her and demanded what I wanted from her even if she didn't want to do it. I wouldn't play ball if I didn't get my own way, so basically emotionally blackmailing my wife who at the time of the birth of our second son was in a very insecure place. But after an extended period of me being a selfish resentful asswhole she put her foot down and said she wouldn't do it anymore and that I had to stop treating her like that. I agreed and did feel bad at the time. But then I told myself that I had to go and view more of this P and it was ok because she wouldn't do it for me.
So I hide it a hell of a lot better from there on, she kind of new I was doing something some times again because of distance and actions in our emotional relationship. It continues like this for years I get a smart phone delete history and discover incognito mode and it is easy to hide. My wife trust's me anyway and doesn't do any digging so that helps my addiction too. We move to a new country in 2016 and by 2017 my wife nows something's wrong. She keeps asking what's wrong with me and I lie in my reply and say nothing. It comes to December of 2017 and there is a lot of difficulty in the relationship. There's PIED and it's been a year where my wife feels something isn't right with me. She discovers my secret because of actions and behaviours in our sexual relationship. She finds something on the home laptop. Something that's there because of streaming a sports game. But no matter she confronts me and it all starts to unravel. There is so much shit I don't want to admit to and I trickle the truth out bit by bit. I read loads of things and my wife shows me loads of things that say just tell the truth. The best thing is to tell the truth. But I just can't. I think it is all about protecting myself. We have it out for 3 days I tell her that's all there is and she says she will forgive me but I need to be 100% honest with her from here on in. I agree but know there are things I lied about and l'm keeping from her. She puts in 150% I'm lackluster. It all breaks down in January again because of sexual actions. More lies come out specific questions she has asked and I have lied about. She moves out to a hotel for a couple of days with the kids. She comes back after I say I will make all the necessary changes and be 100% honest. We talk a lot and start to get on a bit better but there is still hurt feelings then some ed and things get a bit rocky. Then a lot of lies come out again in March. We are at a point now where my wife is so frustrated and thonks it would be less difficult to leave snd never look back. I stopped watching P in December. I think it was a week before it all came out that I had stopped watching. And after everything me and my wife have discussed I have no desire for P at all. I tjink it is a horrible industry and is basically filmed abuse. My biggest problem is my habits of leading the double life. The lies, false resentments and the negative thinking. I can't seem to get past these things. I srruggle to look at the why, how, what and when of the whole situation. But I realize this is essential so that I never end up back at PMO. I also go to SA meetings at least once a week but also lied there in the beginning. Any help on the looking at ones self and actions would be appreciated. I just want to make it right with my wife. I can't belive how lucky I am that she is still here at the moment even though everything is hanging by a split tread. Sorry for the big post.

 

Thank you PMO addict.

Yes my wife is very cool and I am so greatful she is still here. Yeah I talk to a couple of guys from SA who are married. I think some times there advice helps. I have also mentioned about S Anon but my wife doesn't seem up for it, she is a private person. But she does read up on a lot of stuff on line to try to help her through.

It's the lies I tell that are really messing things up. I have end up telling my wife everything I can recall. Because I've done this for so long and done so much of it (12years) then there are parts I can't remember. Because I've trickled truth out then this is the part that is driving my wife crazy. And the behaviour of turning things into negative to facilitate my needs and turning things to make me the victim are still there because I have done them for so long. The trust is totally destroyed so she can't belive anything I say.

I'm sorry to hear that you fell back into the trap, especially when you thought it was finally over. That must be really hard to take. I hope this recovery is the final one you have to make. Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

Thank you PMO addict for your suggestions and for taking the time to reply.

My wife has given me a number of chances to put everything out there and be totally honest. And then from there we could try to rebuild or relationship. But because I have lied repeatedly and knowingly lied. Then or relationship is at breaking point.

My wife is still here but she wants to see a big change in the behaviours. That will show the willingness from me to her that I really want to change. I did have a relapse of sorts but haven't watched anything or thought about anything or anyone like that since it all came out in December.

What I'm really struggling with is the honesty and the behaviours. I'm getting there but it's a lot of baby steps. I hope I get there before it's too late and I loose everything. I was a fool to ever do any of this in the first place.

 

Yes I think you have hit the nail on the head there PMO addict. It is very hard to come clean and admit everything that you have done. Especially to the one person you are supposed to be so dedicated to. It is hard to describe the P as such an addictive thing but it's like it warps your brain and what your doing becomes normalised. Thanks again. I will be checking in here daily if you ever need to talk about anything.

 

Is your husband on nofap?

 

If your still dishonest then I'm not sure you will be able to actually fully get over this. You are saying your situation is similar so that's where my opinion is coming from. Because I lie to my wife then I need to create distance so nothing changes we just keep going around in a vicious circle.

Rigorous honesty is the only way. It actually helps alleviate the pressure, for me anyway. When I know there's a lie there then I'm so focused on that I start to loose sight of everything else.

For me shame was a massive roadblock. Whenever I go to shame I drift off into my own head and create distance between me and my wife. Recently my wife pointed out a thread on here about shame v's guilt. She also sent me an article she found on line and I also found an article about it online. This has really helped me a lot. Instead of going to shame and self pity for thinking I'm a bad person I realize I'm going there and tell myself this should be guilt I'm feeling not shame. Guilt is when you do a bad thing, so you have made a bad choice to do something you shouldn't. Guilt also helps you realize you shouldn't do that bad thing again.

Good luck in your journey. I think we all need as much of it as we can get. B