My Dad was a farmer. He'd started a dairy operation with his dad in the late 70s, they got strung out too far and the economic crash took them out. They lost everything. And they had 1000 acres. So my Grandpa ended up driving truck and got killed In an accident. It tore Dad up cause he thinks its his fault. As a kid in the 90s Dad was almost always angry, or he just wasn't around. First memory I have ever was him yelling at me and throwing me into my crib after he'd let me sleep in the big bed and I was being noisy. Mostly my childhood was a lot of work on the farm, no involvement from Dad unless it was to scream at me for not being able to a job how he wanted, which he wouldn't even tell me how... just that I'd done it wrong. And beating me, supposedly spanking... when He got angry with me. He'd chase me down when I'd try to get away from him, beat me with whatever item happened to be handy at the time. Regularly had bruises from these. And I'd be sore for 4-6 days after. I had 6 older brothers, mostly the 3 next oldest to me... ridiculed everything I did. They'd call me shits for my nickname. Even had one call me that name at Christmas 2022. I was just a piece of shit kid for them to use for there sport. Id learnt masturbating to some degree around age 7... though it usually was just touching myself and fingering. Even I'd learnt to put things down my p hole far as I could. Sometime about 9 years old or so I was listening to a tape (cds were rarity in those days) and there was a girl in the story and it turned me on listening to that. Id learnt to masturbated in earnest then and would do it to orgasm in the bath maybe once a week or so. Then my brother showed me porn around age 11 and I'd learnt what the sexual act was and things and we'd regularly watch and masturbate. Then he sexually abused me one night. And I'd always thought I was the one that did it and I felt guilty but only recently I realized it wasn't my fault that he did that. Masturbating was just a feel good hit... until I past puberty and started having semen then the compulsion was too much. Since then I've been masturbating chronically. Usually with porn. Except before I started dating I was off porn for over a year, just because I'd decided when the urge to porn came id masturbate before I could watch it since the desire went away after O. So i didn't watch porn for about 3 years... but did mo alot. Until I met my wife then she was my sexual release and id only O with her. And we'd started that way before we got married. I was naive and thought a girl wouldn't want sex so I wasn't prepared when she initiated and Then I gave in to her. So then I was p and mo free till my oldest kid was about 3 months old, about 2 years time I even went the full 6 weeks after birth with no sex... no mo or nothing and it didn't bother me. To date that's still my longest streak and I don't know how I was able to do it. Some reason something happened and I started the porn again. Got stuck... and then id try to quit but the physical urges were to much for me. And then she'd only want to have sex about every other week. She'd often get angry at me in the middle of the act and kick and hit me to get me away from her. And then I was supposed to not MO after that. And shed get angry at me a lot about dumb things and it always drives me back to pmo to cope. So last year fall... I say last year but 2022... I sorta started getting really depressed. It was I think a lot of the pmo junk driving it. I couldn't get out. And being horny all the time. And my wife always being angry at me like saying how I don't take care of her and stuff, which all while I've been busting my butt working hard to provide for them as much as I can. Id went sometime several times around 2021 ish to my pastor for help from the sex addiction... it was getting to where I was uncontrollable, where I felt I was about to end in adultery and I wasn't able to stop it from the urges I'm getting. He said he would find some help for me, he never did and I kept bugging him to help and he just would say "I'll do some looking" well he never did. Well idk I think summer 2022 I started doing sexual things with people in secret, in phases. Id do something once a week or so for a month... then vow I was gonna stop and I hated it so I'd stop for 3-4 months... then it would overcome me again. I got depressed late '22 and was about to kill myself cause I knew I was wrong but I couldn't stop myself from the urges, but I don't want to be bad. I went to doctor and she gave me medicine. It somewhat helped me to not want to kill myself somewhat. .. but I kept acting out sexually. Kinda gave up I guess. Last spring '23 March. My wife left and said she was gonna divorce. It ate me up. But she's come back. When she'd come back I would masturbate openly and she knew I was doing it alot. we went to some counseling and there I told her everything I'd been doing. Said I wouldn't do it anymore. And I didn't over the summer until about last fall but then I got where again I just couldn't stop from the urges that are so strong. I had sex a couple times but then I got to hating myself so bad. I went to ask another guy friend for help and said he was sorry I was struggling so much and he wouldn't give up on me till I got free. He showed me to the recovery program I'm with right now. I also been doing this counseling thing it is with the church I've been going to. I left the church where the pastor wouldn't help me. The guy that runs their counseling thing there is licensed and has the schooling and stuff. Its mostly to open up the root emotions that are driving our bad actions and heal them. A lot of things from when I was a kid. My Dad beating me. My brothers always ridiculing me and stuff. Past couple years id gotten to extreme masturbating routines. Extreme anal, extreme sounding, putting thing in my throat till I'd gag out and almost vomit. Id caused bleeding multiple times. Most of my adultery accounts were giving myself to men to abuse me. I guess that was the only way I felt I could ever get a little of the acceptance I crave so badly. I feel to messed up to ever be useful again. I feel like I'll only ever be successful at hurting my wife and kids and it tears me up. I want out so badly. I'm very discouraged right now. It doesn't end the urges and It so hard to put them down. I feel like all I will ever be able to do is wreck my family and It tears me up that I'm so messed up. I had a hard time last night wanted to kill myself. I had to stop the car and park and took a nap cause I was afraid I was to close driving into an bad accident to make it all end.
Welcome to NoFap. We are never so far gone that we are without hope. P and MO have led you into some dark places, as they have all of us here. We know what it is like to feel that the urges are uncontrollable and that our lives are unmanageable. Apart from God's help, that is true; but with his help, we can achieve anything. This not the end for you. It is just the beginning. Keep reaching out here, sharing your recovery story as it unfolds. You are taking the steps and doing the hard work. Don't give up. Peace and freedom are just ahead!
We have some similarities in our story. I was also bullied, but not by my family. You have significant trauma in your past that is not your fault, and that trauma is what has led you to try to feel better with porn. I highly recommend two resources for you that specifically touch on the trauma part, and aim to show the path to health and healing - both come from a Christian perspective: 1. The book Unwanted by Jay Stringer. 2. The Place We Find Ourselves podcast by Adam Young. I recommend starting at episode 1 and listening to them in order. I understand the sense of feeling lost, not knowing your way, etc. I think these resources will help to show you the way. We don't live in a vacuum. I think this is the sins of the fathers being passed down to the children. Strive so that you become the generation to break the cycle, bring health, peace, and freedom in Christ to your own life, to your marriage, and to your children. I am seeking to go this same way.
Thank you tons. Due in large part to encouragement I've received here im gaining a foothold again. I'll look at those things you said.
Today has not been very good. Terribly tired as I've been having to work lat a lot this past week. Slept most of the morning, much to my wife's displeasure, but I was just exhausted. Deep in my heart I don't believe God loves me. My actions are proof, because a person who's heart is filled with the love and peace of Christ has no desire for the sick counterfeit of lust. When I turn to the sewer of sexual sin for love I am believing "Porn, masturbating, or being abused by other men, is as good as it gets for someone as worthless as me." No matter how much "Christian theology" I know, their is a dark place in my heart hidden from God's Grace. I know what God says about me, I know all the verses, but I just can't believe it in my heart. I have been "thinking my feelings" because I'm afraid to face the pain in my heart. "When a Fathers love is withheld, a child will struggle with issues ranging from shyness and insecurity to a profound and crippling shame over his or her very existence" -- Brennan Manning -- As a result of the hatred I felt from nearly everyone I cared for as a child, the "springs of life" of my heart are muddied with the lie "This is what love is about." I've polluted myself so long with the shame of sexual sin, I now believe in my heart, "porn is as good as it gets for me" "I've sinned to much for God (or anyone) to love someone like me" "God will never accept me until I clean up my life" "I'm hopeless, this is what I deserve." I've believed the following lies about myself. 1. I am worthless and defective. 2. Because of 1, God doesn't love me. 3. I cannot be accepted as I am. 4. God doesn't hear me, I'm on my own. 5. I can have a pure heart (true freedom from sexual sin) by something I do. I feel hopeless, fit only to be used by others; ill never measure up; no one can love someone like me. I feel the path to freedom, is as if I were a parched, sunburned man in middle of a desert being told, I can have water - if I can walk the 200 mile journey on foot, alone, to the nearest oasis. My pain of rejection is entwined with anger, bitterness, and depression. Sexual release has been and is the only way I know of masking the pain in my heart. How do I go from being a head Christian, to one who "Loves the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind?" How do I receive that which I hunger for, but don't believe I can have? "Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh" -- Ezekiel 36:26 God I so long for your unconditional love, I need a new heart, yet, I don't know how to receive it. I am imprisoned in shame because of my sin. The cross is infinitely bigger than my failures, and God accepts me as I am. The blood of Christ has wiped out my debt, and there is a party in my honor, waiting for me in heaven! The door to my prison of shame is swung wide open, I need only to walk out into the light of day. Can I accept the truth that God loves me passionately? Or will I remain in my prison of shame and condemnation? Daddy, help me to accept your gift. Daddy, I've been turning you away. I want you to come and comfort me. Restore my beautiful heart. Make me pure again. Allow me to stay with you at your throne of Grace and mercy.
God isn't disappointed with me.... Luke 15:11–20 (KJV 1900): 11 And he said, A certain man had two sons: 12 And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living. 13 And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living. 14 And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want. 15 And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. 16 And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him. 17 And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father’s have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! 18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee, 19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants. 20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. 21 And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son. 22 But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet: 23 And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry: 24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry. 25 Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing. 26 And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant. 27 And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound. 28 And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and intreated him. 29 And he answering said to his father, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends: 30 But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf. 31 And he said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine. 32 It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.
God has always been close to me.... Matthew 28:20 (ESV): And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Hebrews 13:5–6 (ESV): for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 6 So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” Joshua 1:5 (ESV): 5 No man shall be able to stand before you all the days of your life. Just as I was with Moses, so I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:8 (ESV): 8 It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” John 14:18 (ESV): 18 “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Acts 2:27–28 (ESV): 27 For you will not abandon my soul to Hades, or let your Holy One see corruption. 28 You have made known to me the paths of life; you will make me full of gladness with your presence. Psalm 16:10 (ESV): 10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. Deuteronomy 4:31 (ESV): 31 For the Lord your God is a merciful God. He will not leave you or destroy you or forget the covenant with your fathers that he swore to them. Nehemiah 9:31 (ESV): 31 Nevertheless, in your great mercies you did not make an end of them or forsake them, for you are a gracious and merciful God. Isaiah 52:12 (ESV): 12 For you shall not go out in haste, and you shall not go in flight, for the Lord will go before you, and the God of Israel will be your rear guard. Psalm 94:14 (ESV): 14 For the Lord will not forsake his people; he will not abandon his heritage; 1 Samuel 12:22 (ESV): 22 For the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name’s sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself. Jeremiah 23:23–24 (ESV): 23 “Am I a God at hand, declares the Lord, and not a God far away? 24 Can a man hide himself in secret places so that I cannot see him? declares the Lord. Do I not fill heaven and earth? declares the Lord.
Like our hearts and our minds, our spiritual eyesight is also broken. Our view of ourselves is incorrect. It is a lie. To move forward in recovery, we must exchange our idea about ourselves for God's much more accurate (and much better!) one. If we are willing to embrace his identity for us as his child, we have already begun to walk in truth. And the Truth will set us free! https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ezu7SNWg163_0TVbo0iU1QDx92TxYRdA38T5kJkMfJk/edit https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zqVL11JjWICOHCRUDmqXr9TNC_gpb6yhRF1hKp-fxcc/edit
I think you need to know your not any worse then any one else here bro. Your situation is unique to you but we all have similar unique experiences. Gods love is for all of us and Jesus’s blood shed for us all
Tuesday and Wednesday were rough for me. Depressed and mildly suicidal. Just don't know how to cope with pain without getting my sex hits. I'm going to start focusing on God's word. Psalm 119:9–10 (ESV): 9 How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. 10 With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments!
You have trauma in your past. You need to heal from that trauma. Have you taken a look at the resources I suggested? I'd also suggest you find a Christian therapist who can help you work through this. Your post on January 14 had a lot of insight. I think it's safe to say that your addiction to porn is a symptom of your trauma, and until you heal your trauma you will continue to be drawn to porn. Healing is possible, but it's hard work. But to encourage you, if you have faith in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sin, then you have been adopted by God, Jesus has become your elder brother, and are a member of God's family. That being the case, your identity is found in Christ, and no longer in your past. Your are not defined by your past. You are defined by your Savior, the One who shed his blood for you. He has made you worthy, by his own obedience and suffering, to inherit the kingdom and to reign with him in the next world.
I've been meeting with a Christian counselor bi-weekly. His focus being on connecting with painful emotions and bringing healing to them through Jesus. I've been making some progress with him on healing from my childhood trauma. I purchased the book you recommended "Unwanted" though I haven't yet read it. I started going to celebrate Recovery group near me as a way of working on my lack of connections and increasing my support system. I've just finished a 8 week sex addiction recovery track with Blazing Grace, and am continuing phone meetings with my group leader to work through childhood pains, (he's "Caring for the Heart" trained by John Regier) Emotional intimacy with my wife continues to get better. I'm slowly being able to be more and more honest with her about my emotions. And her also with me. Physical intimacy with her is still happening, though not as often or passionately as I would like. I know however, that I need to be able to give that to God as well, as at this point its very easy for me to use her as an extension of my addiction. I am doing my best to at the point leave it completely to her desire. My struggles lately flip flop from one week to the next between physical urges, and something I can only describe as... restlessness, anxiousness, and despair. When the latter begins coming on, I'm still a bit baffled as I'm not yet sure quite what I'm even struggling against, much less how to combat it. I do know that it has roots in my toxic shame. That being a product of my pain of rejection, and abandonment experienced as a boy. On my feelings of anxiousness or restlessness. I feel I need to be taking my thoughts captive. Everytime it comes down on me it leads to relapse by MO at this point. I can see it coming a mile off, even while I could honestly say... "I'm doing well." If they were lustful thoughts or fantasies, I could easily say those thoughts are bad and need to be put away. But I'm still not sure whats even bringing it on. Perhaps its purely a chemical/hormonal reaction in my body. This has been my quandary of late. I'm determined to focus my thoughts on the true word of God. Immerse myself in relationship with Jesus. Striving to not be using him simply for what I seek to gain for myself.
It sounds like you're doing a lot for recovery, @GstutzIA. I don't mean to put more on your plate, but the podcast I recommended above really helped me understand how I need to process my trauma to find healing. It's in line with Unwanted, but goes in a lot more detail in certain ways.
John 6 28 They replied, “We want to perform God’s works, too. What should we do?” 29 Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you: Believe in the one he has sent.” Simply believing is our work -- and it truly can be the hardest work we have ever done! But we must. Mark 9:24 "And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief."
Do not confuse your obedience to Christ with your faith in Christ. Faith in Christ is a gift from God by the Spirit. Your obedience, also, is entirely the gift of the Spirit, but that obedience will never be perfect in this life. If you do not obey fully, you will be tempted to think you don't believe. But faith/belief and works/obedience are distinct. Yes, faith gives rise to works. But, again, perfection is not the basis of your salvation. Christ's perfect obedience and self-sacrifice on the cross are the basis of your salvation. Perfection will be ours in the next life after we have put off the remaining corruption of the flesh/this age.
Psalm 119:9–10 (ESV): 9 How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. 10 With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments!
