Kalimera!! This is my new "journal". I won´t continue with my old one (http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/the-quest-life-without-porn.44736/#post-305485) because after making up my mind about my PMO issue and reading this great post http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0, I changed the way I see the whole thing. I suggest to everyone to read it. Basically the message is that PMO and every other addiction is a symptom and not the problem. So we have to find our problem(s) and deal with them. If we don´t, we will always keep relapsing. So I won´t be obsessing and writing about PMO exclusively but more in general about my life, my problems, my fears and what I will do every day to overcome these and become a better person. In the beginning I was counting the days and the streaks, so I would think every day about PMO, not that I don´t do well. I´m on my longest streak ever. So let´s start this journey!!!!!!!
Konnichiwa!!! The day started fine, did sleep enough after a late shift yesterday. But just some minutes ago I had a phone call from my boss telling me that the colleague who works the night shift today is sick and since I´m the only one he could reach I agreed with a heavy heart to jump in. The other colleagues surely didn´t answer the phone, but I will shut it off the next time also. This would be my 4th weekend where I´m working. I had planned to go to my gf and sleep at her place.. I still have to tell her the bad news, she will be disappointed again. We haven´t seen each other for a long time and that is hurting our relationship. Anyway just wanted to share some awesome quotes from a post I read on YBOP, it´s from http://www.reuniting.info/blogs/likeanidiot "My motto: Real women only. For good." "The biggest difference that quitting PMO makes is that it gives you incentive to be brave, to go out and meet girls." "But imagine that you saw a woman that you liked, and I offered you $1,000,000 to go and talk to her - say anything, it doesn't matter what. If you really believed I would pay up, you would find the courage to talk to her, even if you thought she might laugh at you. What's changed? She's going to respond exactly the same way she would have done without my $1m offer - it's just that now you have an incentive." "Home has to be dead of women to you. Nothing there. No glimpses, no faces, no bodies, no nothing. World outside: women. Your home: boring as f*ck."
Attracting real women again!!! Hola chicos!!! After I told my gf that I had to jump in for the night shift on saturday, and not coming to her, she of course became upset and hang up the phone. Since then we just wrote some messages where she is telling me that she wants to quit...This is not the first time, but that is a different story. I'll see how it'll turn out... Anyway, as I went for work on saturday evening with a bad mood there was this girl that there seems to be some kind of nice chemistry between us going on. She told me that she'll have holidays the next days and as I'm leaving that department end of this month this was our last shift together... She told me that she was sad about that so I told her that we have to go and party together or that we will see each other on my farewell party. Although I have some trouble with my gf, it feels good that I do interact again with real girls, except of my gf of course. This feels so much better than sitting infront of a screen.... Well now it is time to go out in the "real world" for mma training. Adiós!!
Becoming sovereign of your life Bom dia! As I´m fighting this addiction I have so much more time to do whatever else. If I´m thinking back there were phases where I was spending at least 2 hours a day almost every day!! So think about it... I was coming from work after about 9-10 hours and then spending at least 2 hours in front of a lifeless screen.. what the f***!! How could anybody solve the everyday problems of life?? It is impossible. So now I don´t just have the time to do it, but also the drive and motivation to do it. Part of improving myself is to become more self-reliant. Lately I´m working on to become more frugal. So I have done several things to reduce my spendings. The last days I´m very active in that direction. Also there are thoughts and decisions I will have to make that I don´t think would be possible to do when being lost in this addiction. With every decision and change you make you become more and more an alpha, because that is a big part of being an alpha male IMO. When you are governed by PMO you are not able to do that. Of course I still feel vulnerable, when I´m thinking about the difficulties of life old thinking patters and flashbacks suddenly come in to my mind, but then I let them disappear after some seconds. I´m on the longest streak until now, but I still have to watch out every day and every moment. It is a daily fight!!! So I still have to a long way to do, but I´m enjoying the process. If you are interested in frugality and general self-improvement I can highly recommend the site: earlyretirementextreme.com
Feeling down Buongiorno!! So yesterday and today are difficult days for me. I´m feeling down.. the weather doesn´t help much, it became very cold and rainy. I´m working on resolving some of my issues, something I was avoiding in the past. I think that´s way I´m feeling kind of down. The one thing is my relationship with my gf. I love her but I´m not happy in the relationship. The reason for it, as I see it, is that we have different plans for the future. I want to move away from where I´m staying now, but she doesn´t. She prefers to stay where she is, what I could not imagine to do for the rest of my life. So after several break-ups and then getting together again, yesterday I told her again to break up. I´ve thought it over and over many times, and it hurts alot, but I think this will be the best for us, or at least for me. Maybe this sounds selfish, but if I´m not happy, it won´t help our relationship either. So that is the reason why I´m feeling sad. I don´t know if I also have withdrawal symptoms, I think I have. Yesterday, for example I caught myself thinking several times about PMO. I mean this is almost after 1 month!!! Anyway, f*** you PMO I won´t return back!!!
The void without PMO and vagabonding Dobriy den! Today I´m feeling kind of lazy and I´m somehow bored. I left from work a bit earlier because we didn`t have too much work. So since must of my friends are either still working or left for holidays I´m bored. It makes me think how boring my life sometimes is. As I´ve read in some post here that we have to fill the void that is left when there isn´t PMO anymore. Especially through the weekdays where everybody is working, it isn´t that easy to stay busy otherwise. That's the reason why retired persons often have a life-crisis. Without their job they don't have anything in their lives. I don´t want to become like that... Today there is Krav-Maga in the evening... I don´t know if I will go there. I managed to go twice this week for training which is good for me. I always procratinated when it came to go for training. So most of the weeks I just went once. Grappling makes more and more fun now. I'm slowly collecting my first submissions. On the other hand, as I have a busy job sometimes I just feel to "vagabond" somehow, meaning to just let the day pass and not trying to do as many things as I can in my free time. I think that in the "modern" and western societies where we have very packed schedules we forget to just let time pass and enjoy the day. So enjoy the day, do something you enjoy!!!
30 days without PMO and NOFAP is helping me change my life!!! Although I stated that I don´t want to focus on writing about PMO itself, some days ago I reached my first important goal of 30 days PMO-free and that´s has to be "celebrated". Posted it in the success forum: http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.ph...-helping-me-change-my-life.49892/#post-352128
PMO affecting my relationships Bon dia!! The last days I´m feeling really calm. I have so much more life energy and I am so much more active and. Procrastination which was a huge issue for me when I was in the heavy PMO-phases, becomes less and less. I´m training and moving almost every day and that feels so good. One post from @g2stop I read struck me (http://www.nofap.com/forum/index.ph...because-of-rebooting.46914/page-2#post-352691). He wrote that he could never commit to a long-term relationship because of PMO, since you always look for the new girl which will give you a new thrill. After my first serius relationship which lasted more than 5 years, I had some relationships which didn´t last too long, about 1-2 years. I never connected this to PMO but maybe this was one of the reasons. At least in one relationship I had a PIED and it ended exactly because of that. I always thought that I hadn´t the "ideal" partner. But what is the "ideal partner"??? Well when we are in our PMO-world then we surely search for someone who ressembles the women who we see in P. The problem is that this will be a vicious circle because yo always search for a hotter girl. So I think a relationship is much more than that. Of course first of all there is this sexual attraction between two persons but later on you get to know the other and get bonded in a much deeper lever. Sex then is still very beautiful and very intimate. That´s all for today
Staying on track nǐhǎo!! As I already wrote earlier, I´m feeling pretty good the last days. On a "happiness scale" I would consider it a 7-8. But I realized that after my first success with nofap I sometimes loose the focus a bit. I catch myself falling back in old bad patterns, like browsing pointlessly at home or at work instead of just relaxing or reading a book. Also as I´m working alot and not have that much free-time I liked to have, I try to do achieve too much things in that short time. It´s better to focus one less things. About surfing in the internet, I realized that the less I do it the calmer I become. I always thought that I have to know everything, the newest news, the newest trends, etc. This makes you insane. You don´t have to know everything that is going on all over the world. You cannot do it. That´s why there are many people who are also addicted the the net and to the social media. Anyway, that´s all for today. I know I have to come back on track and work on my long-term goals but of course never forget to also live in the now!!
Found this cool video about internet browsing, thanx @Calm for sharing it. "...these are black holes..." -> talking about reddit and social media sites
Hola! Not posting anything creative today, because I'm reading the last days different posts here and there Mostly about PUA. Also being active with my AP which I try to support as much as I can!! Just wanted to save a nice quote from http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=1525.msg28890#msg28890 "First off my problem is (Look at my user name) which came first, the chicken or the egg? Guys in the PUA are acting like this because IT WORKS for the males who needed it. Girls have been led to believe in some way or another that a douche with a douche haircut and douche glasses that acts like an always happy asshole is the alpha-male. Agree? Many of us were tired of seeing this day in and day out, especially in highschool. So what does the PUA allow for.. if you can't beat them, join them. I'm not saying men aren't guilty, because they are too more than ever. Men are now reading mens beauty magazines (aka Muscle Fitness, GQ, and Bodybuilding mags.) Guys are becoming just like women in that they are more worried about perception rather than performance in all aspects of life and where does this come from? The crap pumped through TV, internet, magazines, you name it. One thing I like about the PUA is that it gives the opportunity for many guys to act more confident. One summer I realized how shallow girls were, show them your abs and bam, they become easier to talk to. Why do you think every douche in the gym wants a 6pack? Because that's what girls are being led to believe in what an attractive man is these days. And what are the men doing? They are falling in line like sheep because the power of the pussy is powerful. They don't care about getting strong, they just care about looking good... just as a woman would. Some guys are even starving themselves to get the 'toned' body they want. Men are being feminized through the outlets of entertainment and hardly anyone seems to notice." Really true, men are more concerned today about perception than they are about performance...
Relapse Hey guys! I didnt post anything here for a long time, although i'm still busy with my AP. I will have to be more consistent. Anyway... yesterday i did relapse I watched to P but i didn't MO to it. Well at least i didnt MO. It didn't feel that good at all and I didn't feel so miserably after it. Instead. I was so angry after it... Maybe that's a good sign because if i dont enjoy it anymore i wont crave it. I know how it felt without and with PMO. I wont return to that miserable life with PMO ever again I realized this time that it was triggered by sleep deprivation and not handling a difficult task at my job as i would have liked to. I also will change some behaviours of mine concerning my internet usage... I will write about that tomorrow...
Really helpful, but I have nothing in my life now. No sister, no real friends here either now, my house is gone too.I is just loneliness and not knowing how to get out of this black hole. I just do not know why everything had to disappear at once.
Your journal is awesome, really. I love seeing you tackle your life issues one by one. I see a man in you now and that gives me hope: for me and humanity. As I said, seeing you stumble also makes me feel better about myself. Rather than beating myself up about not being prefect and falling I now feel more human. In a way rather than feeling like a failure I see a hero in me. A small one for now but nevertheless a hero. I just wish I knew witch way to go and what to do now. Maybe this would come too. I know I hate being where I am. Everything around me reminds me about what was and it just paralyses me. I think it is easier to start somewhere else where there is no bad memories. Thank you for being a beautiful fighter against you weeknesses.
This is my present to you my self improvement junkie friend This one is a taught one. Personally I have got 2 dirty secrets buried for 20 years I cannot even admit to myself, but the guy has a point there. That might be an answer to your dissatisfaction with your curent life. What do you think?
I I' m glad you like it...i got so many likes from you Well i have neglected my journal lately... Nobody is perfect and we dont have to be. Also, perfect is boring, maybe because somebody who always seeks perfectionism tries to hide emotions. To have up and downs is the usual way, nobody became a hero just by birth. And the more times you come back the stronger you become. Now i have to watch the video you send me
Kalimera malakes!! I relapsed again on 18th of november, and again it was just watching to P without MO-ing. I was so stupid because I found I way to bypass the safety blockers last time and didn´t solve that issue. I thought I´m strong enough at the moment. But I was mistaken, and sorry that I didn´t listen to you @HopeFaith. But I don´t feel that I´ve lost all of the work and power that I gained through about 2 months staying clean. Anyway, now I`m working on putting on OpenDNS, but I have some trouble with it because it doesn´t work yet. Also I think my second biggest problem or maybe the one that started PMO also is my internet usage, as I´ve already mentioned earlier. So I will put on some rules for my internet usage as I have connected my pc at home to the network again.
My Rules for internet usage max. 1 hour of active internet usage per day preferably at the local library, when it is open and when I have time to go there Don´t go online for browsing before noon!! Exceptionsto rule Nr. 1 and 3: when friends come over to my place when I want to buy something online. That doesn´t include the time to search for something. when I want to look up something like: an adress, opening hours, etc. That doesn´t include looking up for a translation. When downloading something Skype-ing Answering an email or a PM here at the forum that I´m waiting for.
Hey....your absence is felt here. I am having second thoughts about sending you this honesty video. I just hope you are OKis.
