My Journal During NoFap

I'm doing this in an attempt to see if NoFap can cure my lack of morning erections and make my erections harder and last longer.

I've used porn multiple times a day since I was in my teens. It was encouraged and part of life in the Military so I never saw it as weird, I never had problems except for performance anxiety and when I was drunk. I'm obese(working on it) mainly because of a spinal injury I got in early 2018. My Testosterone is a bit on the lower side of the normal range and I am definitely sad and I think of death a lot, even though I don't want to die. Don't recommend I call a hotline, I'm dealing with it, so no need to worry for me. I wonder if these factors accumulate into my ED. So in an attempt to see what it is I've also decided to start NoFap. I've heard some good stories and I've also seen some studies that say this is BS.

The point of this blog is mainly for personal accountability and have somewhere to post my thoughts and get some feedback even. I'm going to continue down my journey to get back into shape, increase my cardiovascular health, hopefully, raise my testosterone levels, and refrain from masturbation and pornography. If this fails then it's most likely a neurological issue, all though I believe a large part of this is psychological/mental. I've had random erections and when I get a really good one I get morning wood, but I beat my meat until it goes back to normal. Idiotic, but it's what happened.

Day:1
Depressed, all though I'm talking to this really hot girl from my music class who is finally of age to drink. I got a partial chub just talking to her. I think of death a lot, I don't want to die, I just have this sadness. I feel if I can't fix this part of my life then my life is ultimately meaningless. If I cannot procreate, then what really is my purpose for existence? I would throw myself into my music career, going for broke because if I fail I'd really not give and just rather be dead. Post Malone is the big mood rn as well as The Weeknd. Not giving a fuck is liberating though, I wish I was this free for other reasons rather than desperation and hopelessness. I have a strange sense of hope with this forum though. I feel in my gut this is temporary, but it will be something I have to 'maintain' my whole life. I have a lot of fear. A lot of fear. Being alone, broke, unemployed, fat, and depressed really sucks. I will continue to do what I've always done, grit my teeth and push forward, for if you are going through hell then keep going.
I have another strange feeling I'm going to be laughing at myself at the end of this process for some reason, maybe because I was so afraid of something that I ultimately fixed or that I'm laughing because I shouldn't of had hope in this process from the get-go.

Day:4
Day 2 I became really depressed, I literally just listened to the same 2 Post Malone songs all day thinking that I'm never going to find or keep a woman ever again in my life and thought about if that's grounds for suicide. I believe it is. I wake up and get erections after the fact, they feel kind of flimsy though and vanish quickly. I get worried. I for some reason believe I may have atherosclerosis(Heart Disease) because it was hard for me to breathe a few days ago. I think I just had an anxiety attack. I've become addicted to this show called Married At First Sight, only because there's this woman who, to me, is physically and emotionally perfect. Her name's Mindy, and I have a TV Crush on her. Not in a weird way, I just think she's really pretty. She's going through what I am right now(relative to the show) except the obvious fact she can't get an erection. I just see such a beautiful soul being wasted and I wish I could run into her and just give her a hug to say I understand how she feels, I could have used that when I was in her shoes. This is probably the saddest shit ever said, but, she's kind of like an inspiration for me, I identify with her all though it makes me feel that I'll probably end up sad and thrown away past her youthful years, like her. I'm really banking on this ED being from depression but I doubt it. It gets hard because I feel like I'm living a lie, the one thing I am here for as a man, I can't do. Have Sex and Procreate. I sometimes convince myself that I should stay away from women so that I don't waste their time when they could find someone who could actually achieve an erection and give them kids. I feel thrown away like there was innately a reason as to why I was always cheated on, and now I see what they sensed. Do I deserve this? Am I that much of a piece of shit? I just want to be normal and be loved but I have my doubts, I feel everyone in my life leaving me and I'm starting to think they should.

Day 7: Relapse
Time to start at Day 1 again. My erections are not better overall, still no morning wood. I caved and looked at some porn last night and M'd in the morning. I was M'ing just shy of O the whole week anyways, I thought I'd start over fresh. I feel more optimistic that I'll be more vigilant, but not that this process will work. I now wonder if my FSH is too high, I've been told by the specific lab work I've had done that it's a bit high, which can lead to hypogonadism, which I've measure my boys, they're fine. Possible ED issues and infertility. I tend to freak myself out all the time, I hope this is just that, freaking myself out. If I can't bear children or keep an erection, I'm clocking myself out with the glock.

Day 1.1:
I M'd a bunch last night and this morning with weak E or nothing coming out when I O, well, barely anything. kind of oozes out. Fuck I'm scared and depressed, I don't think this NoFap thing will work. I feel whatever option to bring me to normalcy either it TRT or something else will have a negative role in my other parts of my sexual health such as reproduction or testosterone. I feel so trapped and scared, I think that suicide is the only way out. I post some things of FB hoping someone will want to talk to me about my sadness, but no one gives a fuck. That's one thing I've learned, it's not that people are bad, it's just that the majority of them are indifferent. Most don't care and never will. This sucks because I've started to, for some reason I don't know, feel some girls look at me in the gym while I walk by. This one girl was turning her head while she would work out to look at me, even when I was walking on the track just to cool down. Maybe I'm just reading it all wrong, I sometimes wonder if this is punishment for saying I didn't want kids too much. OR maybe I'm just that inferior, on a genetic level. Fuck it's getting dark in my mind and I can't find any reprieve and all I think about is blowing my brains out.