My introduction - "How far are you willing to go?"

Hi everyone,

I'm 31, Christian, Asian living in Australia. New to NoFap, but in no way new to this struggle and lifelong battle against lust (practically PMO).

Firstly, I am truly encouraged by what I'm seeing in this forum. People from all walks of life, converging with one goal and aim, to fight PMO and encouraging each other in sexual struggles.

A little about me:
I'm in a highly trained professional vocation, have been in training/studying for 13 years and still going. Was brought up in a conservative Asian Christian family, rather repressive childhood and relationship with my parents have been tenuous throughout my growing up years. Although things have improved, I believe the intimacy issues in my upbringing certainly played a part in my addictions to PMO. However, I believe everyone is ultimately responsible for their own lives/actions and it doesn't matter what contributory factors there are, it is our onus to fight and change.

I hold strongly to reformed Calvinist Christian views, an evangelical. People come here with all kinds of motivations for quitting PMO and I applaud and cheer them on, whatever their motivations are. My motivations stem primarily and deeply from my faith, in that lust is a sin, and sin is whatever that replaces God as the god of your life (the de-godding of God). My definition of lust is adapted from John Piper "Lust is a sexual desire that dishonors its objects and disregards God". I believe the underlying thing that makes PMO wrong, is actually lust. I currently have a girlfriend of about 1 year, and I love her to bits. Yes, I want to stop PMO so that I do not eventually hurt her and my future marriage, family, kids. I want to stop PMO so that it doesn't rob me of my capacity to enjoy sex in a proper marriage relationship. All of these are motivational factors, but by far -- beyond all these, this is a fight of faith for me, a fight to please and honour God...this is a fight that concerns my own personal eternal salvation.

My history is as follows: exposed to porn when I was around 11-12, first MO during that time, and was hooked ever since. Because of my Christian beliefs, I have always struggled with guilt and shame, and the cycle of PMO-guilt-shame-repentance-short reboot-relapse. It has been a fight for the last 20 years. I have read tons of books, tried all sorts of ways of discipline, avoidance strategies, local accountability partners - but they have all failed. My triggers are low-self esteem, self-hatred, stress, boredom, relaxation, of course strongest of all visual stimulation.

I had a period of 3 years where I rebooted, early on it involved edging, but later on it was a very successful and hard-mode reboot. But in the last year, when I met my new girlfriend, we have been in situations that truly arouse me, and set backs in the relationship and in life, times of stress have caused a full blown relapse, one that I haven't had in 3 years. It all started 3 months ago, had a 2 week reboot just recently which failed again in the last week. I am tired and sick of this. Went online to look for help and watched a video at bravehearts, and this phrase that spoke to me like no other....how far are you willing to go? to put an end to this lust that is controlling you.

Jesus said:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2016). (Mt 5:27–30). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society.

So here it is, I'm going at it again, fighting this fight of faith, of lust and PMO. Challenging myself to do whatever it takes, however long it takes, never giving up, it's okay to fall -- just keep getting back on the horse!

How far are you willing to go?
These are the things that I am going to do for a start:

• Internet filter
  • Finally I am going to subscript to an internet filter and accountability software. I used to think it's just fooling yourself and there are always ways to get around it. The mind and heart is the problem.
  • But in this day and age, people don't have to seek out visually stimulating material, temptation gets brought to your face on a plate!
  • An internet filter I hope will make it just harder for me to seek these things out in times of weakness and struggle.
• Accountability
  • Haven't had much luck in finding a real-life accountability partner in church etc. But hopefully I will find some in this place that are like-minded and equally committed about this fight.
  • This struggle has truly been a secret for the most part, and I need to bring this to light and expose it in a safe environment.
• Renewed sense of purity
  • I will renew the way I look at women. No longer objectifying them for my sexual gratification. Avert looking at anything that might stimulate or arouse sexual feelings.
• Commit to daily disciplines and journaling
  • Take up challenges on this website, and daily disciplines of bible-reading, praying and journaling.

Prayer:
Lord, hallowed be Thy name. I am not able to do anything apart from Thee, but with Thee all things are possible. Thank you for our Lord Jesus Christ who has died for me, and paid the penalty of my sins, therefore help me to live in a manner worthy of the gospel. My body is your temple, and it is to bring glory and honour to You. I make a covenant with my eyes today that I would no longer look lustfully at a woman. I beseech Thee, give me the grace to fight this fight of faith, help me to get back up and persevere, no matter how many times I may fall. Looking forward to the day, when you will return for me. For Jesus sake. Amen

 

Thank you for responding!
Amen to your avatar picture: the fight is what characterises our faith.
Look me up on Kik and we can be accountability partners if you like. My username is isaiah43.4
I would be keen to fight alongside you.

Regards

 

Hey sorry for the late reply.
Do add me, and we can keep each other accountable.

I've turned away from God multiple times, and still find myself and my evil heart doing it unknowingly. Trusting and relying on self, falling into selfish inward looking behaviours. But there is no where else to run to in times of trouble and desperation, there is no hope apart from God.

Please don't give up on God and don't keep turning away. Come back, God is beckoning you, and always wanting us to come back to Him.

"Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded."
(James 4:8)

All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.
(John 6:37)

The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
And those who know your name put their trust in you,
for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.
(Ps 9:9–10)

God bless