My husband is in denial about his porn addiction.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Bettyloo4765, Oct 1, 2018.

  1. Bettyloo4765

    Bettyloo4765 New Fapstronaut

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    Lots to read!
    I’ve always been open and understanding but now it’s becoming to much.
    I met him and found out he needed viagara (I was 24 and he was 34) although it was a young age, I accepted. Now four years on and married viagara doesn’t work anymore.
    When I met him he said he would watch and masterbate to porn 2/3/4 times a day which I found extremely excessive. But I thought He stopped watching it so much... especially because I said it needed to stop.
    I would be away for around three months every three months due to work so I knew he would be watching it while I was gone which I was ok with. But every time I came home our sex life got worst and worst... worst part is he blames me.
    Now I’ve stopped travelling with work and stayed in our country for almost a year working and still it deteriates.

    I honestly thought he wasn’t watching porn while I’m home with him. We would get intimate 3/4 times a week which I thought was normal.
    But in the back of my mind I knew he was watching it while maybe away at camp working (1 week at camp then 1 week home) but taking his phone & iPad into the bathroom every time seemed a bit too much. But again in the back of my mind I suspected it.
    A couple months ago I found a porn site and porn video on his safari history. Which has ruined me.
    The video really wasn’t much but has just made me realise everything I already knew...

    For the past year, he almost constantly sleeps in the spare room or goes in there early hours of the morning and takes his iPad and iphone. One day I decided to look on his safari history and found the porn... so I guess he only went in the spare room to watch porn. Now this is all I think. I expect the man I marriage to sleep in the same bed as me. And after we argue about it, he’ll stay in bed with me but he’s literally awake alllllll night. Then I wake up and leave and he sleeps. But in the spare room - he’ll sleep all night perfectly fine. I also don’t appreciate removing cum tissues or having to wash dirty bedsheets because of him masterbating in the spare room.

    Recently I took my dog to the vet...
    Monday, I got my appointment wrong so came back and I felt like I disturbed him from masterbating to porn. He propped the pillows and his side of the bed was turned back. His iPad was lit up on safari but there was no history. He was red and panting harder.
    Tuesday, I went vets again, came home and the pillows was propped in the same position as Monday. And his iPad was on the bed open on safari but no internet history. But when I left the iPad was on the dining table.
    So now if I go out I’m scared of coming home without warning him. Or I’m scared of just walking in on him in the spare room.

    He would masterbate to porn in a different room - then come to me to get intimate. Then when I ask him why he can’t ejaculate he tells me he’s already masterbated. (Such a good feeling)

    What scares me more, what porn is he watching... he’s always deleted the porn history which I thought he did so it wouldn’t hurt my feelings and because it was a lot of porn but now I want to know what is he watching. Rape videos, beastality, illegal... things I’m 100% not ok with. Which I would leave our marriage without questions. Just because I came across a mild video one time doesn’t mean that’s all it is.

    I found the other day a completely new email which I had no idea off!

    8 viagara pills... we use 1 together so where are the other 7 pills. Is he using them with porn.
    I highly doubt he’s cheating, he’s always with me on his week off from camp. And he mainly works with guys at camp.

    While on viagara, he doesn’t get hard anymore. Or he’ll start off hard then when I touch him on climb on top of him... after a few seconds he dies. And it’ll stay dead no matter what I do. It’s almost like I turn him completely off.
    He has trouble ejaculating.
    We barely have sex because he can’t get/stay hard longer than 30 seconds even on viagara so just forplay leaves me extremely unsatisfied but giving a handjob to a soft penis is just not sexy and doesn’t make me want to do it.
    So now for almost a year... just foreplay and just having to masterbate a soft penis has turned into a chore. He doesn’t understand that it’s a huge turn off for me.

    Don’t get me wrong, he’s always trying to touch me or grab my body hoping it’ll lead into intimacy but it’s never sex, it’s only ever masterbating a soft penis. And now he’s got lazy where I have to masterbate myself and him because he doesn’t want to touch me when we’re trying to be intimate together.

    He’s been to drs several times and they all say he’s fine, he’s on the right viagara dosage amount (100mg) so why ain’t he ‘working’ for me... I think it’s the porn.

    I feel like I’m not enough. And having my husband go limp when I touch him or try to have sex is horrible.
    I try and talk to him and he refuses to open up. He tells me he doesn’t watch porn and I know he’s lying but I also know he’s lying to save me from pain and hurt - but I’m already hurt because I know.
    Now the past few months I just can’t be bothered to try and get intimate so now foreplay has turned into maybe twice a month.

    I honestly don’t know how much I can survive like this. It’s ruining our marriage. I open up, cry and tell him how I feel but he doesn’t care and wants to get of topic straight away.
    I want to hear the truth, I’m prepared to be hurt in order to save our marriage.
    We’re happy together and we’ll fight about stupid things (who’s cleaning the dishes) but we fight alot about our sex life.

    There’s a whole different man who I don’t know due to porn, lying and hiding this secret life from me.
    If it all came out I don’t know if I could stay or leave but this should be my decision to make and ultimately right now he’s making that decision for me by hiding everything from me.

    What should I do... I’m at the end. And with this hidden lying side life he’s giving me right now - I’m about to walk away.
     
    JayJay31 and FearMyDiscipline like this.
  2. havana19

    havana19 Fapstronaut

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    If you are financially and emotionally able to walk away I suggest doing so. This man is so far gone it could take years for him to be 'normal' again...he may not want to be normal again, either. You can tell him you would like a trial separation and give that 3-6 months. This is more for you to be able to create a safe space for yourself and detach from this clearly abusive situation. If it were me I would not plan on getting back with him, you have already sacrificed far too much of yourself. Good luck on whatever you decide.
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2018
    Real Roboin and Jason_Tesla_19 like this.
  3. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

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    Being a recovering porn addict myself, I always had issues with getting hard, because I masterbatung like your husband but I did it for hours. Once I stopped my sex life got better, porn is a hard thing to break away from, I've been doing good and never have a problem getting intimate with my wife now. He has to want to stop, maybe he needs help.
     
  4. GhostWriter

    GhostWriter Fapstronaut

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    Indeed!

    RED FLAG #1: Viagara(sic) at 34 year old. Very uncommon and unnecessary for a healthy 34 year old man.

    A mistake you aren’t likely to make again.

    This was you enabling him.

    This is one of those tell/tale/tail signs I speak of. This is where you should pay attention to your “women’s intuition”, your “gut instinct”, your “sixth sense” or whatever you want to call it. “…worst and worst…” is definitely a sign something is wrong.

    Blaming you? That’s gaslighting or RED FLAG #2

    That isn’t so surprising.

    Define what is “intimate” to you?

    RED FLAG #3: Frequenting the bathroom with his electronic devices.

    So not you have confirmation, or DDay as it were. This is where your world comes tumbling down around you.

    Was this his decision or did you insist on it?

    Then don’t. Let him wallow in how own crusty cum stains.

    Nothing like fapping away and getting busted. It’s frustrating for the addict, and they react very unpleasantly.

    Don’t be scared. It is what it is. If you walk in on him, and you catch him, it only reinforces that which you already know to be true. It solidifies a preponderance of the evidence before you. Embrace it, and figure out how to deal with it.

    Well, at least he admitted it. There is a refreshing start. The bigger question you probably have is “why”?

    Curiously, what made you think of “…Rape videos, beastality, illegal…”? Did you see these things in his history? I will also tell you, just because one has viewed such things doesn’t in any way mean he is predisposed to engage in them. Most everyone who has been addicted to pornography has at one time or another seen these things. If you actually visited websites riddled with pornography, they are designed to lure the individual down a rabbit hole into the most insane shit you can imagine.

    Probably! Likely! If I recall correctly, those pills are rather expensive. I’ve never purchased one, but I know people who have. Using 7 pills for self-gratification is indicative of a pornography/masturbation addiction.

    That’s probably true. I never cheated (physically). The reason I pointed out “physically” is because, technically, masturbation to pornography IS cheating.

    This is a severe case of PIED. There is little doubt in my mind. Unless he has a case of Prostate Cancer, which I find extremely unlikely at his age, then it is PIED. To rule out any physical phenomenon, I’d make an appointment with a Urologist, and get a full workup including discussion about his compulsive masturbation habits.

    Then don’t. You can include that as a Boundary for you. It’s “I will NOT engage in any sexual activity with you in so long as you can’t produce a sufficient erection”.

    Again, then don’t. Stop now. Especially given that it is a “…chore…” That simply is unacceptable.

    I know what you’re trying to say when you use the phrase “…hoping it’ll lead into intimacy but it’s never sex…” and “…trying to be intimate together…”. But your thought process is all wrong. Intimacy isn’t, and can never be, a function or subset of sex. Sex is always a function and subset of intimacy. That’s why sex built on a foundation of intimacy works and attempts to build intimacy on a foundation of sex doesn’t. Understand the difference?

    Then what Doctors has he been too? As a Urologist, I would refuse Viagara(sic) to patients who cannot produce a hard on because of PIED. These physicians aren’t treating a problem. They are treating a symptom. They know what the problem is. They are just summarily ignoring it.

    Yes, it makes you feel like shit. It makes you wonder what is wrong with you. But the reality is, there is nothing wrong with you. It’s all him.

    RED FLAG #4: Outright refusal to discuss and/or address it.

    Then Stop altogether. What’s the point?

    I get it. You get it. Unfortunately, he doesn’t get it.

    I think you’re kidding yourself when you claim “…We’re happy together…”.

    Boundaries & Consequences. If you need help with them, let me know and I’ll help you.

    Don’t make any major life decisions for a full year. Let’s do the Boundaries & Consequences, and see where that leads us.

    PS ~ He could use “Out of the Shadows” by Dr. Patrick Carnes

    https://www.amazon.com/Out-Shadows-...068&sr=8-1&keywords=out+of+the+shadows+carnes
     
    HonestyMatters and havana19 like this.
  5. Bettyloo4765

    Bettyloo4765 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your reply!
    Yes I am both financially and emotionally able to walk away. And honestly the past few months I’ve been looking into completely moving province. I don’t know what I’m holding on for. He obviously doesn’t want to change no matter how many times I tell him I’m about to leave our marriage.
     
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  6. Bettyloo4765

    Bettyloo4765 New Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply.
    Well done on your journey too! Can I ask how you got to that point... did you come clean to your wife and started the journey or did she push you to admit it and start the journey?
    I really don’t think he wants to stop even if it means to save our marriage. But he won’t come clean, he uses the typically statements “everyone watches it” “you just don’t want me touching myself” “it’s not cheating it’s on the Internet”. I’m tired. But I’m also clueless - am I approaching it wrong.
     
  7. havana19

    havana19 Fapstronaut

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    actions are what matter, as I am sure you know. Addicts always rely on people believing their lies and lame excuses and ignoring their actions, that's why they know so well how little words mean in life. When he sees the actions he will have new respect for you. Just remember to follow through. If addicts don't feel consequences they never change. Good luck.
     
  8. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

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    I was caught through my history, I try my hardest to stop to save my marriage . Likes were always my go to, to prolong getting in trouble. But I've learned to just tell the trust no matter how scary it is. Of course I've fallen into here and there but I do get better over time. Anyone who wants to change can. It's an addiction not many understand but of of doesn't want to to change maybe it's time to give an ultimatum.
     
  9. tammygeorge

    tammygeorge Fapstronaut

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    I feel for you. I’m in the same situation. Mine denies and denies that he watches porn. He will take it to the grave. Sex is terrible at the moment. His penis is soft. Never hard and of course I blame myself. It’s disgusting. I’ve been depressed for about a year. I know he watches it. Why does he prefer it to getting intimate with me. I feel it’s cheating. When your fantasizing to other women on this level.
    I feel helpless. Good luck.
     
  10. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Penis going soft is horrible feeling. I have walked in your shoes. So sorry. I'm here if you need a friend. No sex marriage is the worst esp if any orgasm we are doing the work.
     
  11. JayJay31

    JayJay31 Fapstronaut

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    Wow that’s crazy .. Porn definitely had a impact on the brain in so many ways. In order for the marriage to be saved he has to stop watching porn. If he doesn’t then you’ll just be pleasuring yourself for the rest of your life and that sucks. I would confront him about it, guys tend to not say anything because they feel embarrassed. I know “Embarrassed”. He should reboot for at most 3-9 months and see what happens after. It’s a major difference. TRUST ME.
     

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