Hi All, I'm relatively new here, but not new to the fight against P. I'll share a little of my experience and ask for your thoughts on it. I'm 29, married, no kids. Wife does not know of my P addiction. I work by myself at home, freelancer. Wife works full time elsewhere giving me lots of opportunity to fall to temptation at home, yet I have no choice because my livelihood depends on the internet and my computers, otherwise I would have cancelled my internet a long time ago. My P usage reached the point of more then once a day almost everyday except weekends. It has drained me, gave me ED issues and I'm sick and tired of it. I've been using web filters to block my access for a long time. I started with K9, moved on to Net Nanny and eventually did locked myself up in the following ways: -Locked access to the internet in my computer, giving myself a "white list only" of previously approved sites I can visit -Locked my phone up with Net Nanny and an AppLock software which created a double lock making it real hard to do anything on the phone -Permanently disabled access on all my other computers (used for work) -Locked the browser on my PS3 As you can tell from above, I had very limited access to the internet. I found though, that even with all this locking, I was always battling myself with the temptation to find a way around. Sad part is, due to my IT knowledge, I almost always did. When I couldnt' on my computers, I would resort to the Youtube app on the PS3 where I can find erotic "safe" videos. To make things worst, the other day I found a workaround on my android phone that cannot be changed and will always allow me complete access whenever I wish even with the best of filters. I won't disclose what that workaround is but it is present on most android phones and renders web filters useless on android phones. I was so hopeless when I found this glitch that I started wondering on the effectiveness of web filters. Then, I realized that for the past couple of years, I had been using my energy more on locking myself up, rather then on fixing the real problem which is my internal struggle. It's like it hit me at that moment, I was focusing the majority of my attention on the symptoms and not on the cause. Everytime I'd binge I'd blame it on not being locked up well enough, instead of on myself. So, I realised filters might not be right for me, not at this point in time at least. I removed all my filters last week and have messed up a few times, but I find that now I'm really working on the true issue at hand, my decision to binge or not. Since I've removed the filters, I've relapsed less (including today), but feel hopeful for my progress. I'm not saying that my situation is the same for everyone, so if web filters are right for you at the moment, by all means keep them on. But, do any of you agree with me that for a few folks like myself, web filters do more harm then good?
I think web filters can at least be a part of the solution. Making it much harder for yourself to reach porn makes it easier to quit it than if it is merely a click away. But of course, it's not the entire solution, especially if you can get around it so easily. You also have to educate yourself on why porn is bad, think about how it affected your life, stuff like that. Also: no sexual fantasizing whatsoever. You can block websites all you like, but you also have to build up some kind of mental blockade to stop fantasizing, because it activates the same areas in your brain and usually leads to relapse.
Agreed,web filters can help to make it tougher. However, at least in my case, I find that to be part of the temptation. The need for the thrill, the thrill of finding a way around the lock. Particularly since I'm in front of my computer all day, it's so hard to avoid that urge. Now I know that I have open access and it depends entirely on me to say "No", not on an external factor like a filter. So I must look to the solution within myself. Am I being to philosophical?
This has been my experience to a tee. I used K9 for a while and still do. Here's been my experience. At first, I thought it could really help. But after a surprisingly short amount of time I was already logging in to unblock the categories so I could fap. To combat this, I changed my password to something I couldn't remember. Then I discovered I could request a temporary password sent to my email, which enabled me to unblock everything once again, though this process took a little longer. Still the urge to fap was undaunted. A few weeks ago I decided that even more drastic measures were needed. So I decided to create a new email account from some random email provider. I made sure the username and password were long and completely gibberish. I deleted the confirmation emails at my main email address and wrote down the username and password on a piece of paper. Then I logged into K9 to change my email to the new one. This worked for a little while, but I eventually relapsed to some softcore stuff. The irony is that when I went to Reddit's NoFap to reset my counter, K9 had blocked it under "Adult/Mature content" (it hadn't before). So in the end, I had to find out how to get rid of K9 just to access the websites meant to help me not to fap. Of course, the only way I found to "get rid of" K9 was to reinstall it, since the new email address I made expired after two weeks, thus making it impossible for me to log in. So I still have it, but I'm back at square one. I think I'm with you, sanchy, in your realization that I've ignored the real source of the problem: myself. I think I knew filters would never be foolproof, but believing they did took responsibility away from me and made me ignore fighting this addiction as hard as I should. I just relapsed today and came on here, as I usually do. I now have a routine of going a week, but every Friday, and sometimes spilled over into the rest of the weekend, I relapse. During the week I'm fine, but I cave at the end of it. My task now is to change my habits during the weekend and make myself do other things than browse the internet. Hopefully I can make it a month, which I've never gotten to before. After that, knowing me, I won't let that streak end. I've never gotten a long streak before, but that's what I need. And even if I relapse on day 65 or 94 or something, I will have gone long enough to change my habits and brain enough that going on another long streak should be less difficult. Right now tho, I'm bogged down with 6 and 7 day streaks which go nowhere. Anyway, stay strong and if you want an accountability partner, let me know.
Hi Cookielemons, Glad I'm not the only one that feels like this about the filters. I think they can be of great tool for some, but to others like us, perhaps they are more of a distraction from the real problem. I would definitely like to partner up.
Is there anyone you trust to help you a bit? Let them have the password to the K9. My partner is battling her own internet overuse. We put K9 on our computers and each knows half the password to K9.
Hi, I tried NetNanny in the past and I agree with what has been said so far: it just makes things more difficult, but in time of struggle all these blocks can easily be skipped. What I am trying to do is to work on myself. I am learning to recognize when I'm starting a dangerous train of thoughts - usually the buzz begins when I am in a particular mood (depression, anxiety, stress: I am looking for an easy exit in self-gratification). Said that, I think that NetNanny doesn't hurt - as far as one is conscious that no software can do the job for ourselves. But then, ehi, I'm not in IT, so I don't know that sense of challenge that made you hack the system If you realized that it is the challenge part of the problem, I think it is a good thing to skip the filters altogether. Keep on the good fight!
My wife had the password. I had told her I wanted myself locked down due to temptation, but she did not know the actual extent of my problem. I just cant bring myself to tell her. It would cause her so much pain. Agreed. Definitely wouldn't recommend for all to avoid filters. I just wanted to know how many out there shared my sentiment.
The way I feel about it, in any addiction you need to remove access to the drug. You can always get it EVENTUALLY, but if you take steps in moments of sobriety to make it harder to get access, then you give yourself a little more time to come to your senses. An alcoholic who has a bottle in the liquor cabinet is in bigger trouble than an alcoholic with a dry house. True though, that ultimately the strength to resist has to be there somewhere, or an addict will find a way to get his/her fix. Good luck!
I know EXACTLY the simple workaround you're talking about. I honestly don't know why it's there except to watch porn. It makes me sad for the parents that want prevent their kids from seeing it. Yes I was depressed when I discovered it, but realized as you did, I have to change my mind, not just my phone. I still have a simple filter on my computer that catches big stuff. I can't find anything for the phone though, especially free stuff. Although, I've heard great things about accountability software (also good for internet addiction) but it's not free (~$9/mo).
Here's the problem with that, which I tried to explain above. When you go on a website that's blocked, you can request a temporary password sent to your email, which you can use to unblock the website and PMO. You would have to change the email address registered with K9 in order to absolutely ensure K9 is untouched, but that can also run into problems, as I also explain above.
Exactly - To block off that loophole we set up a gmail account that we also each have half the password to. only for this purpose. Neither of us can change settings or get a temporary password without doing it together. big disadvantage - you have to have someone you trust, who knows what you're struggling with, and is in the same location. I'm just lucky all those things are true, and that she has her own addictions (gaming) she wants help with. removing access is never easy - you have to be creative and resolved. The example I gave is just a cool. rather lucky and creative solution that works in my life. I mean, if I really want to PMO I secretly buy another laptop - bingo. The goal here is to make it more difficult so that it takes more than a moment of weakness to f**k up.
The thing is, there is always a loophole. Today, indecent pictures are scattered everywhere online, file sharing sites, image uploading sites, social networking, peer to peer. Not much the filters can do to block these unless you block the entire internet. I agree. For most people this is the case. These web filters are a great tool for those folks who want to make it harder to access. For a few folks like myself though, knowing that there are always "easy" loopholes increases the temptation to search for the stuff, because the excitement is increased when I do find a workaround. Then, after relapsing, I would blame "not being locked up enough" instead of working on the real cause of the relapse, my decisions. So, I guess what I'm saying is, for some like me, we need to look first inside of us and try to solve the problem there, as external factors are really almost beyond our control and can distract us from the real problem.
