My confession

Hi,
So I’m not necessarily new to Nofap. I’ve seen the Ted talks and read countless of stories on the forums. I have actually tried for the last past maybe 5 years to do the reboot myself and relapsed constantly at the fourth or fifth day. My longest streak was 10 days last summer. I learned the ins and outs of how this community works and understand it completely. However, it isn’t till now that I understand why I personally have succumbed to this vicious cycle. I started fapping and watching porn since I was either 11 or 12. I am now a 21 virgin (today’s my birthday actually). I realized that I used fapping as a form of escapism. I compulsively lied from the age of 12 to all my friends about my virginity status (other things as well for an ego boost) and to cope with the guilt I fapped. At a point in my life though it started to become excessive and in the way of my fullest potential and I know it. It may have started with the lies but then it slowly became a way for stress relieving. I have lost all my friends because of this and I have never confessed to anyone. I became completely socially isolated. I only have had 2 serious relationships but they failed because I lied about my virginity status. The other relationships also failed due to lying but for different things. Today I lost my best friend from 5th grade because of lying. However, I am three days in NO PMO. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The guilt is eating me away. I feel terribly lonely and depressed and this is usually the most vulnerable moment where I would boost myself by beating off. Please someone respond and help me. I’m a senior in college who has never made any real friends. I am planning to apply to graduate school out of state in order to help me find myself. I think this is what’ll help me achieve a new life and a restart. I just want all of this to end.I’d like to just lose my virginity for the hell of it at this point. So I can confess to my friends without being looked at as someone stupid and at least not a virgin.
Suggestions ? Responses please... I do need help.

 

You know what it is a sad story. That being said, LiquidShoes after posting this and letting some time fade by I realized those weren't really good friends anyway. Not one of them realized that today was my birthday, not one message was received by even my so-called "best friend". They all are doing drugs and drinking their livers out, so you know what, I learned that this may be the consequences of my actions. However, maybe solitude is what I need right now. I plan to move on and learn from this. I will work hard on achieving new and better friends and maintaining them. I'm going to leave this two-star town and achieve greater things in life. Thank you, though for reading my story.