Multiple disorders all related to exhibitionism

I have never told anyone about my problematic sexual behaviors, and now I feel I have to write it down. I am a 40 years old, heterosexual male. For some reason, I began masturbating very early, can’t tell exactly when, but surely must have been when I was 2 or 3 years old. I also don’t know how and why I began masturbating, I had a quite normal family, they had their problems but I really don’t think my parents or close family members were perverts so I don’t think they ever abused me in any way, but who knows if someone else didn’t have an opportunity (family friend, neighbor). My parents, of course, knew I was masturbating, but they were very liberal and thought it was natural and that there was no problem (I think it is exactly the opposite, and they should have tried to stop me, as it became a real addiction and vice), they only asked me not to do it in front of others. Anyway, I started masturbating in a very strange way, and this is the way I do up to this day: I don’t do it by rubbing my penis with my hand as everyone does, rather I lay (usually in a bed as it is more comfortable, but I have done it also in the floor) and rub my penis between my right leg and the surface (be it bed or floor). Because of the way I masturbate, my penis is fractured in the base and quite curved. My full erection doesn’t go up to 90 degrees, a bit less, and when I start masturbating usually my erection decreases so it becomes easier to keep the penis down, parallel to my leg.

Another disorder I have is exhibitionist tendencies, starting when I was as a pre-teen, I showed myself to some cousins and neighbors (females, as I never felt attraction to males) and to the maids we had at home. On the other hand, being nude with other males is completely natural and non-sexual to me (when I was at college I lived in a student house with shared showers for males only, and never felt any kind of arousal when I showered with another man). After I was in my late teen and early youth (around 17) I stopped exhibiting myself, I still have fantasies with exhibitionism but haven’t acted on it since.

Anyway, I am married for 15 years with a woman I love, and I never cheated on her. Despite my erection problem, I never had problems with penetration, and even though we intentionally delayed having kids for some years I could get her pregnant, and we have two healthy young kids (7 and 3). I Thank God they don’t have the same problem with early masturbation as I did.

Another disorder, related to exhibitionism, is candaulism (showing my wife nude to other men). I just acted once on it, when I convinced her to go topless when we were vacationing in Europe in 2008: we were in a hotel pool and it was socially accepted as there were other topless women. I noticed one guy staring at her (he has wearing dark glasses trying to disguise it, but he was close and I noticed his face always turned in her direction) and this got me excited. She was not comfortable, even though there were other topless women around and she didn’t notice the man looking at her (which would make her even more uncomfortable), and covered herself after about 15 minutes. I never asked her to do something like this again as I love and respect her, but we still have sexual games about her going nude in front of other men. When I think rationally and morally about this I find it ridiculous and shameful, but I still can’t avoid getting aroused by it (the same about exhibitionism).

When masturbating, I don’t watch videos or see images of sexual intercourses, I don’t get aroused by seeing a man having sex with a woman. What arouses me is seeing nude attractive women. I also have nude pictures of my wife, taken more than 10 years ago, and I have masturbated many times looking at these pictures. Many times I think I should destroy these, to avoid any temptation, but I feel emotionally attached to these, as they were taken when she was younger, and wouldn’t like to lose these images. But I do my best not to look at them, and I haven’t for some time.

Anyway, some years ago I converted to Catholicism and am having a hard time since then fighting my sexual disorders. I found this site last year and find it useful, I almost haven’t posted but read a lot. I am trying to go without PM and reduce O only to times when my wife agrees (and it is not often…). I have confessed my sins to priests (i.e., those actions I took, like masturbating and exhibitionism) but never the full story of all my sexual disorders as I find them quite shameful and disturbing. It is very awkward to write al this for the first time in my life, but I find it necessary and I feel like a bit of the weight was released from my shoulders.

 

Thanks Breadman, nice to hear the opinion of a Catholic brother. I will try to gather courage to tell the entire thing to a priest.

 

An update on this: I have been assaulted by almost constant thoughts of exposing my wife, of her exhibiting herself in public, can't avoid looking at the nude pictures I have of hers and yesterday I masturbated looking at them. The problem is that these pics were taken as a sexual game between us many years ago, replicating my fantasies.
I have always been jealous, I don't know why it triggers me so much thinking of my wife showing herself topless to other men. I don't consider myself a cuckold because I don't fantasize of hers having sex with other men, just exhibiting herself and have other men getting triggered by it but not being able to do anything, like it happened when we went to Europe in 2008. Anyway I consider this something shameful and wrong, and I never showed these pictures to anyone else because I love and I respect her, also she is very shy and modest (not an exhibitionist at all, differently from my fantasies) and would feel very bad if this happens.
I deleted the pictures last week but couldn't resist and restored with a recovery program. It is just too hard, these thoughts come all the time and I just can't get rid of them.