Miserable & Mad

I feel miserable right now as of writing this. I'm trying to get into drawing when I was 13 and because of what happened over the past 3 years I feel honestly ruined. I don't have the motivation to draw anymore. I want to draw but for some reason I lost motivation. I try and it's not like the same before.

I think I'm also experiencing severe brain fog. This started a few months ago and it feels like shit. Music keeps playing in my head and I can't make it stop. I try to meditate and that would work for a bit and then it would keep repeating again and again. It's getting so bad to the point where when I'm trying to watch TV show I can't focus properly. If it's not music then I'm frequency talking to myself in my head which I can't stop either which is awful. It's about either music or some other shit that's giving me anxiety. I also think of other horrific scenarios which I don't like. These give me extreme anger and when I think about the part which angers me I keep getting angry even though that never happens. My reactions in these thoughts would be to stab them and I would act it out.

I also keep dancing around like a mad man. This started out when I was seven so before I even knew what masturbation or how sex even worked but it keeps happening and it sucks. I would think of fighting scenes or how I would be on stage in a rock band I would be playing a guitar or fighting someone. I would then stomp around and do these actions as if I was in the scene and envision myself doing this but then a family member would snap me out. I keep having these idk why and I even envision mysef doing talking to someone or making a youtube video and talk to myself. It's embarrassing when someone has to snap me out of these urges and I want to stop these but I can't, I keep doing them for some reason.

I keep getting urges when I'm reminded of these, of course I'm doing push ups to relieve this but I want this to stop.