MILESTONE - 365 DAYS (no PMO) "monk mode"

Back on Thursday, I had a bit too much to drink, compounded by a tough situation in my day. Didn't realize how the tough situation affected me until much later. It led to 3 falls with masturbation before I realized what was happening.
No porn, thank God, but the 3 falls set me back.

I posted in the relapse section yesterday. I also appreciate your concern. This PMO thing is tricky, but I'm using this to learn and grow. There's always room to grow .

GOD'S PEACE!!!

 

It is odd that I fell at 402 days, but the context will help.

Up until Thursday evening, I had no problem. I was handling every urge with ease.

Looking back, I had 2 rough events on Wednesday and Thursday. Only in the rear view mirror have I been able to piece together the stresses.

Normally, I could handle them. But alcohol played a factor in my fall. I was at a dinner and the host was refilling my glass. I was not driving so I let it go. Still keeping count, I was up to about 6 drinks over 3 hours. For me, that's twice the amount that I normally have. I thought I could handle it.

When I went to lay down that night, the urge hit like a truck. I tried to use the tools that I knew, but the alcohol was impairing my ability to control thoughts. Went to take a cold shower, and that's when I fell.

I had not processed the challenges that I faced in the previous days, and I am doing that now.

Overall - I fell with masturbation 1 time Thurs and 2 times Friday night. DID NOT FALL TO PORN, but clearly wanted to. The masturbation ended up knocking out the urge before I saw any porn.

I posted accountability late, because I wanted to hide in the addiction and give in, but I forced myself to post in the relapse section Sunday morning. By Sunday night, I was setting up for a full PMO relapse and checked with the website. Replies to my post came in, and it pulled me out of going into porn again.

From Sunday I reset. Stayed busy yesterday and battled internally. Posted a lot. Prayed a lot. Wrote ideas on paper a lot. Read recovery ideas a lot. Got another great response in the afternoon on the website , and from that point something clicked back in my head. The battle subsided and I was able to see again. That person, #Mr.No , said that he would pray for me. Urges became easily controllable and my vision was clear.

I am still vigilant, but I know that persevering in this battle is paying off - and that prayer helps. I did not have a full relapse, which is making the bounce back easier. Had I fallen with porn, it would be harder to get to this point.

Big lesson - if you fall with masturbation, don't make matters worse. Stay the course, stay accountable, refocus, pray hard , get back on the horse and ride it.

Thanks for the post. Doing MUCH better this morning after a challenging weekend.

GOD'S PEACE!!!

 

Your response made my day. It means a lot when I can see that working through my addiction is helping someone else out.

Thanks for the post.

GOD'S PEACE

 

Absolutely. Figure this- the time will pass either way. I am 453 days from 500!

GOD'S PEACE!!!

 

Thanks for checking. All is well, and getting better.

I had a slip on June 29th, did 2 runs of 11 days and 9 days. Then I realized that this game has been going on for a month. 13 months of NO PMO, and now 1 month of struggle.

I felt motivated to get back to basics, to look at the reasons why I began and to look at the tools that worked. The most effective tool that i found was being careful with what I thought about , catching fantasy when it began, and speaking directly to it with my executive brain.

From June 29th to July 29th, I slipped 10 times. I did not binge on porn, so I limited damage. But I definitely feel the negative effects if the slips. I am recovering more each hour.

The thing that I hate about this addiction is the way that my limbic brain hijacks my life when I'm using pornography, in particular how i deal with attractive women in real life. They trigger a response in me of passivity. I know that my brain will restore, but it's a trial for now. To get past this trial, I am limiting my time around attractive women, just til my brain restores a little more. During my 13 months of no PMO, I had forgotten what that felt like. In fact I'm glad to be journaling it - I don't want to forget.

I'm also understanding that this past month has been a learning experience, I can continue to go with the downward spiral or grow with the upward spiral. I'm heading up now, realizing the importance of keeping my reasons for doing this in the forefront of my mind.

Thanks for checking in. It goes much appreciated.

GOD'S PEACE!!!