My husband has PA. He hid it from me for 4 years and I suspected the whole time, but he finally told me in December out of spite. He only told me because he was mad at me and wanted to hurt me. I was angry, hurt, you know the deal. The next day I did a lot of research at work (thank goodness I have a slow job) and I came to the conversation confused and hurt and wanting to know every last detail. We sat down, I told him he had no option but to be 100% honest with me and he said he would. Long story short he had a very intense addiction when we started dating and over the 4 year relationship he had been trying to "cure" his addiction but lied to me about it every time I brought it up. 4 years of lying to my face. Like so many of you know, that is what is the absolute worst part. The lying. I put my heart and my trust into this man who looked in my eyes and told me lie after lie. How can I trust him again? It was so easy for him to hide this from me. What else is he hiding? After that, I suppose DDay, we didn't talk about it except for every now when I asked if he'd watched porn. Yup. 2 relapses and it was so nonchalant like it was no big deal and I was just happy he was telling me. And then it got real for me. He is M-ing while I am in the next room. Betrayed. That's all I can say. I have told him over and over again that I want to be intimate with him, that I want him. Instead he chooses, once again, something other than me. Then I found this forum and really realized, this is not okay. These relapses, even though it is looking very briefly (like 30 seconds or less so he says) are still not okay. If an alcoholic only had beer it would still be a huge issue, just briefly looking is not okay. I told him he needed to stop and to my surprise he agreed with me. I told him I felt like he was saying what I wanted to hear and he said he wasn't. That he's disgusted with himself. And here we are a week later. He posts on nofap but doesn't look at other people's posts or get involved. And worst of all, he doesn't want me to read it. It feels like if he really wanted to heal our relationship then he should post regularly, seek out support and allow me to support him. But he won't let me. It feels like yet another slap in the face. Since finding out about his PA my self esteem has hit rock bottom and I am depressed. I have almost committed suicide on multiple occasions. I am at my lowest lows. I don't know if I can wait for him to "hit rock bottom" so we can finally heal. I want to think everything is going to be okay. But is it?