TRIGGER WARNING I do not have a high self esteem or self respect for myself and part of it is because of my porn/sex addiction. I do not think I am very good looking even though I consider myself to be in the best shape of my life and I do not believe I am the most confident person especially around women even though I am married. I would frequently cruise reddit and kik for a “Jobud” or “joGal” which is basically a jerk off bud or gal to masturbate with and-or do more. Mostly it was local guys from reddit who I would meet up with and watch porn and masturbate with at their place discreetly and then leave. Always feeling safer (discreeter) and better with a married guy, and sometimes more sexual activity would happen with a few. A couple of times with women, one was a lesbian and wanted no sex at all, just someone to masturbate with while watching porn. Another woman I met at my gym and told her I was married. We had chemistry and constantly flirting about and other interests, After a workout I pushed the limit to ask her if I could shower at her place and “hangout” to which my she accepted. As soon as I entered her place I asked if she wanted to shower with me to which she accepted, and I kept forcing her away just wanting to masturbate with her feeling like this wasn’t cheating and I explained what I wanted and she was accepting of this joGal relationship. A few other times I would go over and take a shower and we would masturbate, and then dry off and cuddle, watch tv, and then dry hump, oral pleasure from both of us, but never have actual intercourse. She cut me off thankfully, saying that I was married but I think she felt weird by all of this. Another woman was someone I worked with (thankfully she quit) we would flirt over and over and would talk about if we didn’t have partners how perfect we would be and how sex would be, so I proposed watching porn at her place after work one day and she agreed. We did a lot more like dry hump, make out, and she would verbally berate me about my manhood and not wanting to have sex. After we both had an orgasm I could tell she had an instant regret about doing this. We talked about a few days later and she said we would move on from it but we were never the same. She didn’t quit because of me, it was awkward but we did put it behind us. I do not know why I had this compulsion to have a masturbation partner like it was no big deal. Maybe it was a way to not feel alone in this act, and explaining it to women and mentioning I’m married was a cop out. Each time I did feel Shameful, no by the acts but because I am married.