I haven't logged in since mid September, because I was busy with studying for university. All the time nearly all my grades were very mediocre, I was just a regular C candidate, so to speak. In July I had to push through the hardest exam there is in my education and I barely passed (on third and final try). After I made it through the damn thing I signed up here because I realized that I could have done better in this particular test as well as in all exam I have written before if only I hadn't been so afraid of this final chance the whole time. I spent a lot of time learning, obviously, but also a lot of time seeking distraction along with comfort. Although I discovered NoFap a few months prior to this in March, I knew that trying to stop was basically impossible and the withdrawal effects a greater danger to passing than wasting time on tube sites. After I made it through I felt great relief along with great motivation. This great motivation, however, wasn't unknown to me. I never felt unmotivated to study but I always lacked the discipline to carry through an entire semester's worth of curriculum. I usually started to panic in the last days before an exam and tried to squeeze the material of several months into my memory within a few days. The self-monitoring that NoFap requires along with the daily ritual of logging in, journalling, posting, and reading teaches you discipline and diligence, the things most vital to any kind of success in life. Right after my holidays started I realized that I often had to M three times a day. But after a few weeks and restarted counters the drive to fap went away. I believe my longest no-M streak was between two to three weeks. I only very rarely had to M because the urges sometimes used to massively distract me from studying. But that's also the good part: In late September I had to take the first of three exams this fall and I actually started to study about a month in advance. I eventually wrote it and scored a straight A. My first ever in higher education. two more exams followed til mid October in both of which I also achieved an A. Now I guess this is the point at which I started to let things slip a bit... I PMO'd every once in a while (maybe 2-3 times a week). Not that much, I thought, but apparently enough to make me lose focus. I had to take another test two weeks ago which I failed big time. I felt like somebody hit me in the face with a brick. I started to look for reasons why I let things slip so much and after two weeks of pondering I'm fairly sure that I basically lost focus on my objective. I lost focus because I was like "Nah, I did so well in my last tests, the next one can't be too hard to pass, can it" Wrong notion, definitely wrong notion to approach academia. I just have to accept that uni isn't easy and that you gotta keep pushing, so that your past successes weren't in vain. The good thing though, is that although I experienced this setback I still don't M every day. I still 'only' watch porn around three times a week. So I feel a chain smoker on menthol cigarettes. Stopping for good is now even more possible than ever. I only need to maintain my discipline by participating here again on a daily basis to remind myself of my goals. NoFap isn't just about porn, it's about getting back on track in so many different ways. I'm convinced I can stand up again as long as I stay focused.
