Making a mess of my sexuality

Hi guys! I saw an interesting post here and wanted to share my story too..

Last year i became attracted to a friend of mine. I wanted to have sex and intimacy and became very very jealous. So i started pursruing him but he wasn't giving me any attention. Then one day he made me drink ecstasy, mdma, without telling me but for some divine intervention i departed with my car from his house seconds before the drug made me high.
I told him i liked him more than once but got rejected.
Then he started showing signs of disponibility in some occasions, always under drugs.
We never did anything because i wanted intimacy and i wasn't comfortable like that, with mixed signs and all the rest.

Then one day i realized he was in drug mixed orgies and many friends were involved.
They started developing a language and a behaviour right in front of my eyes. Of course they were never admitting anything and were always negating every evidence.
They came to the point that when were togethet, when i closed my eyes for a moment they were pulling of their dicks and the girlfriend of one of them was pleasuring them. When i watched they were ready to hide in the most ridiculous ways.

They had fun in the most bizarre ways, for example involving the (i can say very mature) cleaning lady.

The error was mine in being with them in the first place.
I developed fear against sex and even when excited and masturbating some pain of the past, in form of memories, comes and makes me uncomfortable.

There were two party situations with them where i was literally traumatized. Once i was under mild lsd and they gave me a heavy surplus of the drug without allerting. That day ended with me departing by car all alone convinced that i should have died of car accident in that moment..

I cannot say it's their fault. They are what they are and tried many times to involve me in their activities but i was searching for something intimate.. and had terror.
they never mistreated me in any other ways. i have to say that in many occasions it was me that was going mad. once i picked up a knife wanting to defend me from them coming near me.. but i have,to specify that i never intended to use it and was not in a shock state that i could have really used it, as i'm not violent in that sense, but it's sad enough anyway. I add that in thethe majority of moments they anyway respected me as a human being, maybe more than i respected them.

I can say they joked on me and i let them do that. I didn't react inside myself, in the sense that i was submissive.

Now i am trying to rebuild my psyche.
I am also addicted to masturbation and i cannot say i am clean of porn...

I am trying to have some dates with girls and i want sex. However i'm not even talking to people so much, less new ones. So no girls. I'm all alone by myself most of the time.

Sssso, here we are, after one year and ai half, still sometimes the desire to have a relationship with that totally incompatible person still peeks up and sometimes the vision of him being not really the best for me calms it down. But still i'm spending hours thinking about why and how.. wasting my life. That sucks.

I should have learnt not to give the responsibility of my happiness to anyone.

Some days ago i heard that the guy asked of me to one common friend. And he behaves towards me emotionally, like he valued me as a friend.
Once (under drugs of course) he made a statue with clay of a man with a big dick for me. Now he told that common friend that was me who made that piece of art and gave to him.

People who cannot tell the truth are simply immature enough.. never trust in that sense anyone who is not open.
If you see someone lying infront of your eyes to another, he will most likely treat you the same.

I want still to tell him what a motherfucker he has been, and i am ready to hear him tell me what a motherfucker i have been.

Being vulnerable (it's embarassing to admit that under drugs he become bisexual) is really the most difficult and precious thing we can do with another human being.

I needed to spit all this out..

 

Yeah, definitely something awful... never accept that.

Now i'm away from them, only one is better when alone, at least is the most honest. I have had superficial relationships and it has shown here.. my submissiveness allowed more than one people to behave like that towards me. I have not said some nos to "be good" and it's stupid. I had ideas of being good and even now it's hard to put my boundaries for me.. but it will change for sure.

Thanks for saying that! Fuck that behaviour

I think you are right. I'll tell you this.

Now that guy is in the same position of me one year ago. He is after one person who is a liar like him and that tried to have sex with me!

They are both extremely sad. Last party we went to they were not vital and he tried to avoid everyone around to come near his crush. When he tried to tell me to go away i remembrer the intensity of my expression but i was drunk and don't remember any word :'D he went away scared hahahah. Every time i see him he is down (Drug addiction) and i ignore him readily. I behave like he doesn't exist.