Hello Nofap Community I got messed up badly with PMO over the past one year. Ever since I have started university, I am noticing a fundamental shift in myself: how I conduct myself, how I react to situations, and how I'm living life in general. I started out strong: for the first time in my life, I was living by myself in an apartment. However, as school started, so did my mental problems which I haven't been able to rectify as of currently. It all started out with stress. Ever since college started, stress built up, and rather than dealing with that stress, I ended up digging a deeper hole for myself. Things happened, , for the better or worst I don't know, but one thing is for certain, that I changed, not for the better, but for the worst. As I recollect on my experiences today, I truly wonder how it all came to this. I'm pondering at myself, I never thought I would turn out like this. My behavior towards others, especially my parents, is at an all time low. I complain like crazy, even though I said I wouldn't, and I yell from the top of my lungs at my parents, especially my mom. My entire take on life has become negative rather than positive. I was reading the book "Awaken the Giant Within" recommended to me by a very strong fapstronaut. In it, Tony Robbin states "imagine how your life will be in the next 10 years." Well for a fact, the way I imagined my life is that I will still not have overcome P. addiction even 10 years from now. I feel as if I am ranting about my life currently, but the matter of the fact is that I am not sure what to do anymore. I am directionless, with no where to go anymore. In fact, I have been abstaining from coming to Nofap for a very long time, since I thought that it would better help me think about other stuff. However, if anything, things got a bit bad, my mind is mentally and emotionally entirely messed up. I have tried many times to break free of this mental 'bondage', but its grip over me is strong. I keep on getting 'dark' thoughts again and again. Its like they take a break, but then show back up again. Additionally, its as if I do not have a control on my mind anymore. If I make a slight mistake or a relapse, I pounce on myself mentally. I start to cry, become frustrated, and yell at others in anger. My reboot period about 3 weeks ago, I kept a diary, planning out my day to day stuff. I started to record every small habit or thought I had about P. I wrote down temptations on my phone and in my diary, and all the patterns I thought were reoccurring over and over again. I made it to 7 - 8 days twice, but couldn't sustain that momentum for very long. In fact, I was digging myself into a deeper hole every single time, I thought I was trying to untangle myself. I am so lost and have nowhere to go anymore. I even go to a Councillor to seek assistance, but even that does not seem to be helping. I have tried a lot for about 2 years in abstaining from P., but this 2017-2018 year has changed me entirely, but not for the better. I really want to fix myself mentally, but am not sure where to start anymore. Every time I try to untangle myself from the web of thoughts and negativity, I tangle myself even further. I feel drastic mood swings every single time. My relationship with others, even my parents, is at an all-time low. I am behaving today as a 19 year old guy, what I hadn't even dreamed of when I was 10 years old. I used to imagine myself as a different person at this age, but here I am now.... nowhere to go and nowhere to run. Just tired of life now.... please help.... Sorry for such a long post, but I had to tell this to someone. I kept my own personal diary, but telling it to myself, wasn't enough. I just needed to share this. Thank-you to everybody for reading my post. How do I change my life now? Can you please guide me, I can't guide myself anymore. (I want to quit P. permanently, but have been having a hard time at getting past one week. For quite a long time now, I end up crashing at the one week mark. In fact my last reboot was only 3 days..) please help... Thanking everybody from the bottom of my heart, LimitlessPotential
LimitlessPotential - I really like your username. Don’t feel guilty about anything, especially your relationship with your parents. You seem to be under a great deal of stress from the day to day things, such as pressure from school. One thing I’ve learned growing up (I’m still growing even as a grown man!) is the issues come and go. You may think you are at an all time low but as you deal with these issues you are facing you are also building something else - resilience! Think of this experience as a building block for your “limitlesspotential” to handle situations in the future as you get older and gain more experience. At 19 you are doing something positive with regards to PMO. I admire that. I really fucking do. SInce your college started you said stress started building up. You are in a situation now where you have to learn how to adapt and manage the day to day things. It’s called life. This is a lesson that college/university teaches us, unfortunately high school doesn’t prepare us for it at all. Fortunately you can get past this because you are a self reflective and self aware man. Great job seeking a counsellor. I think that’s a very positive move. The dark deep pit that you feel like you are in now will turn into something positive and meaningful if you put in the work as you already are. You are developing your character. You are building perseverance. You are getting stronger, wiser and more resilient. Don’t stop. Things get better, I promise you. Five years from now you’ll read back on this post and admire the man that you will become and appreciate yourself even more for the man that you are now. Keep at it. If you want to private message let me know. I’ll listen with love and appreciation for a guy who wants to change.
Thank you so much for your kind words of appreciation simplemanlooking for change. Your words of encouragement have motivated me further to seek change in life. I will message you soon. Thanks LimitlessPotential
