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Long overdue for entering a community where I can be honest for the first time in my life.

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by heretohelpandbehelped, Nov 15, 2023.

  1. Nov 15, 2023 #1
    heretohelpandbehelped

    heretohelpandbehelped Fapstronaut

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    I decided in january of this year that I would cut out porn. I have struggled the entire year with periods of great discipline and others not so much. There are many factors and so much I want to say but its hard to know where to start. The most important overview I can give is that when I was 8 years old I had an ipod that allowed me to engage in this weird fantasy I have. When I think back to it, the groundwork for this fetish and fantasy came long before the ipod, which freaks me out because I have done lots of research into how we all have been affected by porn. It feels like I innately have had this fantasy since birth. How I engaged with this fetish was through youtube, and before I ever had my first PMO, I would hold my genitals but not masturbate for hours on end (because I was in elementary school smh). I have been wasting over one hour of my life regularly since at least age 10. I am now 21 now so we are dealing with a juggernaught of an addiction that has lasted over a decade. I want to open up about my fetish issues, anxiety, dealing with this addiction while in a relationship, explore ways to stick to beating addiction, and just engage with others in general. I would like to go into my life story more if anybody is willing to hear me ramble, and I am open to supporting anyone as well.
     
    heretohelpandbehelped, Nov 15, 2023
    heretohelpandbehelped, Nov 15, 2023
    #1
    FocusIsLove and fusion47 like this.
  2. Nov 15, 2023 #2
    heretohelpandbehelped

    heretohelpandbehelped Fapstronaut

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    the information we have already about porn addiction makes me wonder the effects it has had on me, considering that i did start when I was 8, such a young age to start a fetish that has deeply embedded itself. I have never told anyone about the fetish due to shame. I also have never pursued to fulfill this fantasy with any women because of embarrassment and my want to fit in. I have a girlfriend that doesn't represent a single sliver of this fetish I have, and it makes me wonder if I even truly find it arousing? Or if I somehow trained my brain into seeking arousal in this form.
     
    heretohelpandbehelped, Nov 15, 2023
    heretohelpandbehelped, Nov 15, 2023
    #2
    fusion47 likes this.
  3. Nov 17, 2023 #3
    blacktea

    blacktea Fapstronaut

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    You can't truly know all the answers at this point, but the way forward is to recover from your porn addiction. Your mind is cloudy and you cannot see clearly at the moment. As you continue on your porn recovery a lot of your motivations/fetishes/desires and concepts of love will change.

    Focus on your recovery and have faith in the process.
     
    blacktea, Nov 17, 2023
    blacktea, Nov 17, 2023
    #3
    heretohelpandbehelped and fusion47 like this.
  4. Nov 17, 2023 #4
    SandwichMonkey

    SandwichMonkey Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I am also new to this journey as well, firstly, you're not alone. I've been a porn user for almost 20 years now, and the porn progression is real, I had the same thing as well. It's like moving from alcohol to weed then meth. Harder and harder drugs to chase an even bigger high and a resistance to smaller stuff. First of all, please do not see yourself as any less of a good and valuable person than anyone else. You have a right to self esteem and a right to self love. Even though we have addictions that need to be kicked, don't bash yourself in for in. Yes, we have made some poor choices, but so has everyone else. We are here to own up to it, own our mistakes, rectify them, and own a better future. You are very very young and hence you're in a great place to make a good future. I will be happy to support you on your journey and I would value your support too.

    I am also in a relationship and I have opened up to my partner about this journey to kick the evil out. Surprisingly she took it very well. If someone truly loves you, they will go the extra mile for you as long as you're honestly trying to help yourself. At 21 you may also be trying to find out your identity and place in the world as well. I think to do well on this journey, building our personal self esteem and pride as a man is beneficial as well. Build a vision for your self development, whether its in your education, or career, family, hobbies, skills. Start developing and mastering something. Give yourself a reason to be proud of yourself. Build up an ANCHOR in this journey that will assist you in succeeding and helping you to get up after slipups or missteps on the way.
     
    SandwichMonkey, Nov 17, 2023
    SandwichMonkey, Nov 17, 2023
    #4
  5. Nov 17, 2023 #5
    heretohelpandbehelped

    heretohelpandbehelped Fapstronaut

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    @SandwichMonkey My partner has been receptive but whenever I have told her I was still struggling with it she had been upset. I once deep dived in to the science but it kinda comes off as "I can't stop looking at women that aren't you". so it is difficult for her to not have some of an attitude towards it.
     
    heretohelpandbehelped, Nov 17, 2023
    heretohelpandbehelped, Nov 17, 2023
    #5
    fusion47 likes this.
  6. Nov 18, 2023 #6
    SandwichMonkey

    SandwichMonkey Fapstronaut

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    I guess this is the difficult part of the work now, and its also additional reason for you to do better, so that you don't disappoint her. Show her you're becoming a better man for her. Maybe if you really need to O, get her help ;)
     
    SandwichMonkey, Nov 18, 2023
    SandwichMonkey, Nov 18, 2023
    #6
    fusion47 likes this.