Lifetime Fapper that is finally sick of the game

Hi All,
I am really glad that found this community and only wish I had found it long ago.

My relationship with porn started when I was pretty young (15 maybe, maybe younger). I found a huge box of discarded magazines in a field behind my house. Actually, my friends and I found them. We used to ride our bikes out there to look at them all the time. The box was located at the end of a street in an undeveloped subdivision. The box had all kinds of crazy stuff in there! From Playboys to really hardcore stuff! My Dad had Playboys around the house so I remember seeing that stuff when I was even younger. In fact, I think he beat me one time for looking at it which I really didn't get.

Eventually, I would sneak out there by myself and start bringing the magazines home. All of the magazines ended up back at my house and I would hide them various places. My Mom would find them sometimes but it seemed the supply was endless. Each time they would find them I would get a stern talking to from my Dad or shame by my Mom. And of course, there were times they would catch me in the act which made the shame even worse. I became very experimental and very secretive. It also made me less interactive with girls and being interested in having girlfriends in high school, although I did lose my virginity thankfully

When I went away to college my porn collection, what was left of it, went in the garbage. New start I said! Plus there wasn't going to be time for that shit at college with the girls and all. It returned. My roommates and fraternity dudes would have magazines that would end up in my room under my mattress etc. Sometimes they would find them and I would act like I had no idea or blame it on my other roommates. There would be trips to the 7-11 or other convenience stores to purchase magazines.

After school, I lived with a guy that loved to have the magazines around. Again they would end up in my room. He would find them and take them back. He even put a lock on his closet door. When he was gone one weekend, I figured out a way around the lock and took all the magazines back. It was totally obvious. We never talked about it.

Eventually, there were videos and frequent trips to the adult section of the video store.

During all of this time, the usage of porn and my reliance on it would come and go and eventually come back again.

Oh, I forgot about watching the porn/aerobics channel on the old UHF stations through the squiggly lines hoping to catch a glimpse of a boob or mess around with the knob to try to get a someone clear picture. (holy shit I can't believe I just remembered that)

The reason I just remembered that is because the usage and at this point addiction would come and go. Usually coinciding with having a girlfriend or being really interested in something or someone. When that excitement waned is when I got in trouble. I remember vividly watching the UHF P with the sound off while my live-in girlfriend was in bed next to me. I also started getting up early in the morning or staying up late and night while she slept. Eventually, she caught me, got disgusted and left.

From the videos then came the booths in the P stores. I'll tell you that crossing that line was the grossest thing I've ever done. In those days I began to be a bit of a germaphobe so going into those rooms was the nastiest thing.

At this point, I am in my mid-20s. Career is going ok but there is this thing I'm carrying around with me. Then there were the peep shows at the fap shack. That's when the concept of a live girl comes in.

Not soon after the other girl moves out, I started a new relationship. This was 1995. AOL pretty much just started and newsgroups were a thing. Then websites with pics (i don't want to trigger anyone but do you remember ALS Scan?) Files done! I used to love that announcement. Things were going pretty well with the girl and I was able to keep the porn out of the conversation for a while. She discovered me one day sitting at the computer at a time when she said she was going to come over. I had obviously been sitting there for a while and lost track of time. Instead of laughing at me and helping (not realistic) she was horrified. Ran out of the room and I chased her across the city apologizing and sort of admitting I had a problem but more said I just got caught up in something. In 1995 no one knew porn addiction could be a thing. We had a good sex life, she thought great sex life, and didn't understand why I would need that. I sorta didn't either.

Well, she bought my story, kinda forgave me but never let me forget it. We kept dating and eventually got married. Just had to keep hiding it. The P shops etc were a good option but the pipe of P into my house and the amount of content just kept getting bigger. My ability to control it and hide it was not great so she would find traces. Emails, cookies all that stuff. Again I'd be up late. I'd also work from home for some of this time and lose entire days to P. never leaving the house.

Somewhere in this timeline I got into phone sex lines. I think it started with the 900 numbers but I remember there being other options too. In fact, although I never asked, my wife found out and left a message in there when she found the number on the phone bill. I knew it was her!

Then I got a job where I started traveling. This opened whole new opportunities. Until now I haven't mentioned that I am a fairly heavy social drinker. Well as I was on the road I would drink and when the P no longer scratched the itch, I decided the see how massage parlors worked. Usually, that coincided with drinking. I didn't frequent them but did occasionally go. Then I would try to find some things at home.

Holy shit, this is a really long story and I don't feel like I'm even including half the details or close to being half way done.

Somewhere along the way, I found chat rooms. Yahoo chat rooms. Married but looking. and other rooms where people liked to talk about sex. it would take a while (and a lot of chatting with dudes posing as women) but sometimes you would find someone to talk to. This was a whole new thing. A live person, a real person on the other end. At least for me this was a holy shit moment. It created an entire world for me that I could escape to.

That was it for a while P sites and chatting while on the road for work. Trying to keep as much of it out of the house as I could. Long chats about stuff with women that I would never meet (even though we talked about it a lot) and sometimes I would chat with them on the phone. Sometimes for hours!

Then came skype. Then cam girls. Then better faster porn.

Ashley Madison.

One affair with a co-worker, one one night stand. I used to hold that out as sort of a badge of honor. I traveled almost every week for years. And I also convinced myself that my usage of P kept those numbers way lower than they would have been. Probably did. Better than cheating I'd tell myself. But I was not only physically gone but emotionally gone.

My marriage had been a struggle. We had fertility issues and tried for years to have a kid. We were fortunate to have one through invitro. And we thanked our lucky stars and vowed to never try again. We were also rarely intimate again. When things ended, we hadn't had sex in 8 years. I had such a web of deceit and lies. I created this hidden world of sex that engulfed me (still does).

We weren't doing great but kept telling each other lies about why we didn't have sex etc. One day as they were trying to set up an Instagram for my son, they came across a naked picture of me. One of maybe 10 I had taken. I was out on a bike ride and my phone just started blowing up. She wouldn't tell me anything other than to get home but my son told me what happened. I was caught! Busted! She had seen other things but never like this and never was my son exposed. I sat on the side of the road with my phone basically nuking my secret world. Emails, websites, memberships, etc.
Shee saw enough that I looked like a monster to her. We stayed together for my son but we knew it was over and eventually it was.

She left.

Now I'm on my own. Well me and my son 50% of the time. Nobody's coming home. Nobody is judging me. Nobody cares. Good thing he comes as often as he does or it'd probably lose even more time. I've kept up with the porn sites and cam girl sites. Except now I go on cam occasionally. But there's a whole new world, dating sites! Tinder, Bumble, POF, Match, happn. Soooo many girls. Sooo many options. So much new material.

I've been separated for a little over a year and officially divorced for about 8 months. I've been on a few dates but still stuck in that addicted mode and world I created. There are lots of accomplices in that world they just aren't in on the game! I'm 48 years old and I'll still often sit at home all day (I continually find jobs where I can work from home) and do my thing.

I'm stuck and have been for years! I feel like there is so much more could have done and more importantly can do with my life. Starting by being a more present Dad for my son!

I'm just sick of it! And burnt. and sick of having to take "supplements" to have actual sex with someone because I can't do it without.

So many failed attempts and party because you just don't talk to anyone about this shit. Jerking off and watching P, sure but not that you spend all day looking at cam girls, etc. etc.

So here I am. Sorry for the long post but I feel I had to write it all down. Confess it to someone. Put it out there and no turning back.

I'm on day 2 of my reboot/reset. Although yesterday I didn't know this was an official thing. I'm gonna go for 90 days PM. And maybe O in so much as I'm not going to be active on the dating sites. I am going to use this as an opportunity to get out of the house more and see how that works. Don't want to close the door to a relationship or that opportunity. Or maybe I'm fooling myself yet again.

Let's see how this goes.