Life of an addict..

Hello, I am Raghav, a so called used to be 'Nice Guy' from India.


The time this story was written while I was 16 years old, in 11th standard in school.

You may be wondering, wow a kid who is just 16, his life story isn't worth reading.

So let's go deeper into my past,
My mother is a single parent.. it happened when I was in my mother's stomach, as a baby.
My father which I don't consider a father anymore used to torture her, hit with belts and many more, my mother also once referred that he wanted to kill me.

How do I know this, you may ask..
I got to know this when I repeatedly used to ask my mother, "where is my father mommy?"

My mother ran one night to save me and herself.

Then years passed..
I grew up,
I am an ectomorph meaning I am really thin, people usually refer to me as stick.

I wasn't an average student, I used to remember things in one go and catch things before anyone else, a highly sharp memory, intelligent and creative.

My nature

• I was basically an emotional fool who just didn't knew how ruined this world can be.
• If someone talk to me nicely, I was like I can give my life for that person.

A nice guy I was... an emotional fool.
Therefore,

• Other kids took advantage of me in my apartment and dominated me, like breaking my stuff and more.
• Since I was weak and lacked mental strength, I couldn't say a word to them, not only because my body used to be weak but also because I thought I wasn't nice to say bad to someone else.

When I was thirteen years old,

One day while I was in my tuition, that teacher I used to find really attractive..
While she was away in her room, and I she perhaps gave me some task to learn or read till I come back..

I felt sensation in my private part, I masturbated...
Then it all started I went home did it again again again and again so much without urges, imagining woman and everything.

I once denied my mother's call because I was masturbating in other room.
That masturbation cause so much liquid to be flown outside that.. I lost everything... yes I literally mean everything, my memory, my face shine everything..
I masturbated even without urges, I felt the liquid got finished as I masturbated so many times, I still continued masturbating..

In school:
I got bullied in school,

• Was rejected by a girl, basically got played, I used to give her chocolates and all.
• She threw a chocolate at me when the school got over one day, as a sign of hitting me basically, on the ground. Showed me her back and walked as if she did the right thing.. and I know from inside she did the right thing.
• All I wanted was sex.

That girl I used to masturbate imagining..

Unimaginable pain
I wanted to suicide, even tried.
I was being made fun of at home that haha just go and die, obviously they did not mean it. Family members took that as a joke...

My results, I was at the bottom of class. No girls used to talk to me, no boys, except those who made fun of me..
I knew from that time onwards I started pressing my private part, that something is wrong with this thing.
I searched up on internet and that stupid statement came up, "masturbation is healthy" .
I got brainwashed and continued.
I tried stopping but brain started giving me excuses that, "it is healthy and your life suck anyway", "it is normal" stupid excuses like these.

There even became a time when I want my tears to come out because my uncle died, I couldn't because I fapped last night.
Now that you cant deny that isn't hell. When you want to be sad and you can't be sad..
An unexpected help
Thanks to God, a girl who was helpful eventually approached me, pretty much tried to help me, and ask what is happening and all. I stayed quiet and my head down at school, obviously since I can't look in people's face or any eye contact to talk..
I told her only that I am sad. She understood perhaps that something is wrong. She used to sit with me and all, thanks to God that she actually saved me from suicide.


So, years passed

• I felt less likely a human but a dead body.
• A dude who wanted to have sex with any woman I see, even older than me.
• Inspired by and fantasizing watching kissing pranks on YouTube.

A light in the darkness
Also after that girl approaching incident I was full of determination that I need to change. I tried one year of nofap myself without even being aware that I was doing nofap and not visiting this life changing website simply because I didn't know about it.

Then I researched and found out such website exist, you can see my join date in my information section.

**Another thing I did while I was in this self destroying addiction was that I starting eating healthy because I didn't knew that the damage happened to me wasn't because of bad diet or lack of exercise but because of PMO.**

Then I researched with all my might what is happening with me, For Indians I recommend one channel, pmo addiction *warfare*

• This channel showed me reality of this journey and his own video that why he relapsed after 400 days.
• This video is in our nation's language, Hindi, so people not from India may not get what he says.

since I am adding my life here in this post, I am adding this too.

Internal awakening
I discovered meditation,
I failed but I never gave up, I learned from my mistakes and went forward and here I am now, tomorrow I will complete one year of no pmo,
the recovery depends on your addiction.

Some more Light
After doing so much research,
I came to a conclusion,
When we extend our view, our problems seem small. Let me explain this through an example
Some people don't have eyes to see, some don't have ears to hear, some dont even have proper food or water to drink, especially in India, our major population is below poverty line.
And my problem was only one that is PMO
regardless of the fact that it pretty much took my life.

Experience

• It's been almost 4 years I have been fighting this addiction.
• I am numb currently too as of I am writing this, I thought if I can push myself.

May this story help and inspire people, also my future self.

Growth

• Some months ago I wrote sorry to every girl, even that girl I used to imagine while masturbating.

To my surprise, she forgave me.
In the end she wrote, "Stay safe" and the conversation ended.

• I also wrote my reality to that girl who helped me,

she then told me to stop talking to her,
I knew it and I don't regret telling them mine reality.

I feel bad for making them feel bad but for me if I told my reality it made me mentally strong and I personally think they must know the reality of the person whom they interact with.

In case, some woman gets attracted towards me in the future I will simply copy paste this whole story to her, she must know.


Tomorrow I will complete 1 year of PMO, thanks to this lovely community.

I am still not recovered, you know mood swings and all, to be precise withdrawals.

5 golden things I learnt until now:

1. Learning from mistakes and not repeating them will what make you succeed

Therefore, consistency

2. There will be times which people call flatline, you must survive.

Therefore, never give up

3. If you relapse, stop after one and not binge. ASK YOURSELF why it happened and what can be done next to improve?

Therefore, learning from mistakes

4. The more addicted you are, the more time it will take to recover.

Therefore, patience is the key and it will unlock the treasure of your recovery soon.

Bonus
**Don't listen to people about they got recovered in 90 or 180 days. It depends on person's addiction.**

**Last but not the least, this brain will try to trick us, we must be aware to not fall in it's traps everytime.**

5. Don't worry about the failure just give your 100%.
Therefore, not falling for brain traps

Benefits?!?
A new Life!

• Now I feel God's strength in me and face shine everything.
• I can talk to everyone, any girl or a stranger. I talked alot of strangers girls by referring to them as sister, I gave myself tasks to complete to talk.
• People interact with a confident dude.

Meditation:​

• 
  
  
  • A cleaner of brain's trash.
  • Generates purity and connects one to God.

​

What else am I doing nowadays?

• Basically developing skills like communication skills and body language. Since I was an introvert too.
• Enjoying studies, reading books by known authors.

2022 5th Jan Update: (Age 16)

What made me a monster?

That is lack of Love.
No one gave me love, not even my family the love I need.

As a result, I became a monster.

You love yourself and for that, you have to change yourselves.





Thank you everyone who read my story.

 

Buddy,
Don't aim to be like me. Aim to be better than me.
Anyone can!

Thanks to God, let's be consistent!

I honestly don't want anyone else in this world to experience that pit buddy.
Thank you.

You too praise God buddy!

I will surely look up for Teddy Roosevelt.

Yes, privacy is indeed important.



Love you everyone in this life changing community.

 

I hope the same for you.