Letting Go and Moving On (PMO)

Thank you man, I really appreciate it.

 

I just wanted to ventilate about this feeling I'm getting afterwards the masturbation and orgasm. I didn't feel it all too much yesterday but today it's much more clear. It's as if something with this behavior is wrong. I don't feel all that ashamed like I used to. It's more that it just doesn't feel right in my heart to watch women and use them as objects when I want to. It is as if I want it to be in a special kind of order and can't accept life as it is. Life is beautiful as it is and I feel like I need to stop pushing life to be something and let everything flow as it is and be myself. If I'm feeling up in speed and I can't relax, that's okay. I could do all those things I mentioned above and be constructive. Or I could just accept that I can't relax. That is what is important with these urges and cravings, I don't have to act upon them. It is a choice and I'm happy that I'm choosing differently most of the times.

 

I have relapsed completely, I can't say that I feel great about it. I watched pornography, masturbated and orgasmed once. I need to keep going. It was tough because I'm a feelings kind of person and I don't like to get in touch with my feelings. I think I have been sad for a while that I've lost my job and that my girl has gone away for a trip. When she left it gave me the ultimate reason to masturbate, it was as if it was a reward but not really because it was more as if I needed to vent my feelings in the most unhealthy way so that I don't have to get in touch with who I am and my emotions.

I think I need to stop watching girls on my spare time completely, youtube, IG all of it in order to succeed completely. I guess I will need to get out even more and do more because I only can do that when I am alone and inside within four walls, and like I said take a cold shower. Because when it's critical it is important to act fast.

Another solution I've found now is that next time I feel the urge to masturbate I will take a cold shower and now it is of the outmost importance since none of those previous methods worked in a critical situation, I believe this will. Because I can't masturbate away life, I need to get ahead of it, I got jobs to apply to and get. I can't be unemployed, sad that my girl ain't here. I need to get ahead and keep going, get in touch with myself more. I will try right now because I have nothing better to do and stressing myself up for what my hobbies isn't good either, there is a day tomorrow aswell. Be better today and live happier tomorrow. Let's go!

 

Yeah I've relapsed again, I'm not feeling great, I honestly have no comment...

 

Yes exactly, but she isn't here right now and I have recently lost my job so I'm dealing with a lot of stress that I'm supressing. I don't like to meditate, I used to but I've grown bored of it so in order to deal with my emotions and the real world it feels like I've tried a lot but the behavior comes back. The only way to beat this is to rely on forces higher than yourself, believing and working toward the version you want to be with determination and accepting how things are. Visualising and praying.

 

I've binged today, no masturbation happened but I was watching sexual animated scenes... went over to YT and started watching other videos. Almost masturbated myself off completely... I've relapsed to porn now twice once around midnight and now during the day... Yeah I really need to quit this I don't like doing this now.

I'm happy over the progress I'm making and working towards not doing this during the night. That is my goal for tonight.

 

Me too, Me too.

 

Thank you all for the positive encouragement, I will try and not relapse completely today because I did watch P and did M but couldn't O as my roommate came home which was great. I am really happy over the progress I've already made this is just not easy when you're starting from scratch again. I will think about what you've said Vicit_fidem. I really love your quote it is amazing.

 

Just relapsed again...

Now I will be as detailed as possible so that I stop relapsing completely.

- Binging. The first thing I did was binged all day more or less. These demonic thoughts creep up on you and I did do a lot of stuff like meditating, taking a cold shower, working out, cooking, searching for employment. I can conclude that my problems don't lie there. What has happened or I believe has happened is that I have been alone and then an opportunity to get to know myself better. Deal with that is it goes both ways. Because when I'm alone all of these bad thoughts come up aswell.

- Bargaining. The problem with this is the bargaining and the demons of pornography has an extremely good way of bargaining with me. I like to solve problems so if I can't do something I want to be able to do it and I could spend hours doing it, great right? Well what if that was gaining access to a site with pornography? Not so great anymore a lot of time spent and the worst part nothing for it.

- Consciousness. Today when I was listening to Russell Brand on Youtube he said something amazing that we live in a world of infinite versions of the world. It all comes from consciousness and if someone controls consciousness well then they control the world. That helped me a little bit on the way to not watch pornography but the bargainers are pretty good at telling me that the immediate pleasure is more soothing than the eternal which in every case of course is not true.

What can I learn from this?

Well I'm not relapsing because I'm lonely or bored, maybe the absolute first time it was because my girlfriend went for an out of town trip but after that it has just been a binge, marathon, addiction whatever you wanna call it. My relapses come from me putting my attention in the wrong direction. I need to aim my focus my consciousness at the things I want to pursue in life and not at the immediate happiness or pleasure. Binging is a choice and so is triggering myself like this to achieve an effect, immediate pleasure. I'm choosing differently, I'm choosing the blissful eternal state. Like Jordan Peterson says living a meaningful life with purpose doesn't mean it is a happy life it means that it is meaningful. Meaningful will include suffering but it will also be meaningful and not just a life of complete suffering, there is a quote that I keep on my computer and truly love "Man cannot remake himself without suffering for he is the both the marbler and the sculptor". I want to be able to make a significant change in myself, the people around me and live my fullest potential, to live meaningful.

Going down this road I won't so I need to stop bargaining and instead make my reality be without these images that is not only harming beautiful women but also me and making me see myself as an object, it's distorting my reality and creeping into my subconsciousness. The only way for me to divert it is to let it go, accept that this was a phase, a period to get to know myself better which I truly have, not shame myself and meditate, accept urges that may come and not act upon them just let them go because I don't condone that reality. I am better than what these people want to sell and market into my consciousness, I want to raise people's vibrations not making it lower by contributing to these disgusting corporations. I want to live a full and true life dealing with life as it is and not control it, because the only thing that I truly control is the way is respond and react to my surroundings not my actual surroundings.

Well I'm quitting and if I ever do fall for my urges it will be for my girlfriend. No fantasy, no IG, no YT, no problem-solving premium bullshit sites and apps, no pornsites, nothing, from now on I will have to deal with my problems like a man. I deserve much better, this shit isn't real and extremely time-consuming that I can invest my time in far healthier activities.

I'll see you all who make it to the other side.

 

I managed to stay strong for 35 days. I’m proud of my progress and now to stand up and continue. This dopamine addiction is gross. It’s not only in masturbation. It’s in our food and drinks. I am doing this for me and this is my goal, I need to acknowledge that. I want what’s best for me. That is not chasing 1 and 0 like a rat after a thrill and a dopamine addiction. I’m more than that and women are more than objects. Accept the desire, let it hurt a little and then let it go. It’s just a thought, just a desire, it’s the action that is bad. Binging, watching, acting it out. Let it go, it’s just the body wanting it’s reward. There are far more pleasant and uplifting rewards than an abnormal cocaine sugar dopamine rush. It needs to be reset to natural. Those pictures in my mind and on the screen aren’t real, they’re as fake and unreal as my thoughts of them. It is destroying my cells, taking my love-energy and leaving my body hurting and recovering. It destroys me from the inside psychologically and on the outside physiologically. Making me feel unsatisfied and empty and making the body lose cells that help take care of oneself. The amount of stress the body goes through for an image of a video that isn’t real is insane. It’s not worth that video or image. I’d rather invest my stress into something that makes me move forward since stress already is superbad for the body, linked to depression, faster aging and health issues (fat). I don’t need to put more stress on my beautiful body. I love my body, I love myself. I deserve much, much better. I want to be healthy for the long run not just when I’m young. I can’t do this, not if I want to respect women and achieve my biggest dreams and goals. I need to let it go for real, for myself, for my dreams, for my love and love-life, the reality is right here. Beautiful and amazing. Just go get it. I need to go and get it. Can’t sit here and wait for it. I’m the best that I can be, I’m the best version of myself today and I’m doing the best that I can to build myself today into the future-bestself.

P.S

What’s also gross is that our activity on the internet isn’t exactly secret. Our internet provider can see everything unless you pay for a vpn-protected. That is also not nice, knowing that someone can look me up and all of my activity if they wanted too... How can that information be something that is owned by a company, where I browse and what I do on the internet. It feels like that stuff should be held private and personal.

 

Thanks man, I appreciate it. You too!

 

Well, I've relapsed again... This time after 27 days. That feels good, it helped me a lot thinking about what I wrote earlier. The stress, internet-provider and the fantasy aspect of it. I don't know, I mean now I'm getting that dopamine rush and it feels great yet I know it's gonna wear off. I guess this time I just wanted to escape reality, it was hard to accept everything as it is. I am still gonna have to so this relapsing-biz was pointless. I guess I need to listen and observe more. The computer-screen, my breath, the noises outside. Because whatever is going in my head, it isn't real. The stress that the body goes under is also awful. Not to mention the sex-aspect with a loved one is way different. This isn't good for me and the only way to let it go, is to accept my deepest and darkest parts of myself. I need to accept that things in my life are the way they are. It doesn't matter cause I'm not in control of the world and its actions, I am barely and only in control of what I do and I need to keep it that way and accept everything around me as it is even more. I'm climbing out of this hole, it's just taking a bit longer than expected. This isn't worth it. I deserve better than this, I need to accept the reality around me and let go of the need of expressing my emotions by getting high on dopamine. Maybe I could have just taken a walk, which slipped my mind or meditate, take a shower. Hmm now I've got an idea, maybe read a book aswell. Something that provides a little bit of dopamine. Hey wait a minute. I want an effect when something isn't the way I want it to be. That won't change, life gets difficult sometimes and that's okay. I can change the way I get the effect by exercising, reading a book, making music, eating. Something else that gives me dopamine, not the amount masturbation does but it doesn't matter. I know that I can settle with it because I'm choosing to replace it with something else that is way healthier for me. All right let's goooo!!!!

P.S.

I am really starting to like myself and who I am. I don't want to end that at all. I feel like I'm an attractive young healthy person and I want to keep going that way and not the other way around.

P.S P.S

I just relapsed a second time, I just didn't feel any obligation back then to hold on. I was to easily convinced to masturbate again because I did it earlier. Well now I don't know... I'm just gonna let this be for now. Don't want to shame myself it will come of itself, just gonna accept and move on.

Now I've just realized one of my biggest issues when it comes to this compulsive behavior. I mean it's as if a part of me is stuck in the past, Eckhart Tolle says that the past is where the mind remembers pain and fear is the feeling one has of the future. I mean there is a part of me that feels pain for not being able to express my true emotions and be myself as a child. Yet I know that it isn't real, I'm stepping and have been stepping into adulthood for a really long time. I need to accept the way life is and not change life. I have the power over my own will not the worlds. I need to adjust to life as it is and accept that that little child inside is not real anymore. I don't know what is to be honest. My thoughts of what I thought was cool back then with girls, it's just not as appealing as a deep and meaningful relationship with people that care about me. Being physical is a lengthening with that person with whom I have a deep and meaningful relationship. The internet isn't, it's shallow, flat and empty. Only based on what it can see to one's physical appearance. That's only one side out of maybe 20 or more of what being a human is. The point is that adjusting for me is important.

I've just moved to a new town, been through a lot of learning moments, now it's just time to let that part of me in the past go. It isn't real, in fact it isn't me, the only me is here and now. That fantasy isn't real and is not what my heart truly desires from another individual. I want more than that, I deserve more than that, appearance only means something to a certain level of degree but if the personality isn't there in a person then what's the point? Internet images, videos they don't have personality. They live on the image in my brain and on being shallow, addicted to appearance. I want to adjust to adulthood and the way life is now because this is holding me back entirely. I deserve more than that. The past isn't real, the future isn't real either, it's all in my head. Things won't get better tomorrow and hasn't been bad yesterday, I am the best version of myself right now and today. I'm doing the best that I can every single time. I need to listen and observe like Eckhart Tolle mentions. Listening to your thoughts without evaluating and judging them and observing the moment with all of my senses, how things smell, feeling the heat, seeing the room, hearing the noises, tasting the sweetness and saltiness. The pain of the past isn't real, what I thought was cool back then are my childish thoughts from back then things don't look the same today and my values have changed. I just need to understand that on a deeper level, I'm not long now.

My craving, addiction is based on my childish self who wanted to escape reality and problems with a quick fix. For a long time this worked cause I didn't have to take care of myself or take any responsibility. Things don't look the same today and I'm happy for that. I want to be a real man, take responsibility and deal with problems, starting with this because if I can't deal with this then I won't be able to move on and deal with anything else in my great and amazing life. This fear of the future or pain of the past, it's time to let it go and trust in the universe. These things are just holding my true potential back, and it's all in my head then I'm moving on from this in my head first. I'll always love my child self and I'm not getting rid of that part, it's an important piece of me that I want to have, I'm just adjusting my child self with the way things look now and how I've developed as a person and accept that part of myself on a much more true level. In a way quitting means truly living my life to the fullest extent and I can't live my life not to the fullest extent. I don't want to wake up at 70 and blame myself for that this behavior held me as an individual back. I want to press forward toward my dreams, aspirations and goals, I want to truly move on. Quitting means taking back charge of my life and not letting my cravings or childish misbeliefs that don't reconcile with the life I'm having now. If I don't quit I won't be able to live a true and full life. I need to accept that my childish days of escaping my own reality are gone, I have no one left to escape anymore because I'm feeling so great. Before it was parents, then it was hard situations when I was a child, but now I'm a grown and big man. I'm not a child and there is nothing to escape anymore. Then I'm only escaping myself and destroying my own reality. I need to let it go, let the past be the past buried. The moment is all that matters and I want to fully be able to utilize the moment in the best way. Quitting means taking myself through life holding my head and back high. It means standing up and living my true self. Quitting means life and not just living. It means breathing and enjoying life and not images, videos. Life is much more vibrant, images and videos are flat just as if life is 3D and images, videos are 2D. It's too big of an opportunity to miss out on and pass. Gotta take it and live it to it's fully capability. More than a 100%.

It's not about how many days anymore as much as it is living life and adjusting to it as it is. Accepting and working with the circumstances and not escaping them with images and videos. Doing what I can from what I have and not wishing for different circumstances or fantasizing about an effect so that I don't have to deal with the actual circumstances cause I still have to anyway. Quitting is life and the effect from living a 3D life is so extraordinary that it's easy to take for granted and waste with images and videos. But today I'm a grown man, I'm not my childish fears and fantasies about how I want things to be. Things are the way they are and I'm a man the way I'm a man. I'm doing what I can from where I stand. I can. I can do this. The fantasy isn't real anymore, I'm a grown man and that is the only thing that is real. What's here and now and that is the most amazing part of life. I'm my best version today, not yesterday or tomorrow. Days don't truly matter taking back my life is what I need to do and that is the only thing that matters. I'm a grown and strong man that wants to take responsibility of my life as it is and not any other way around. I'm not the child that escapes anymore from my fears or pain using this as an excuse for myself. I'm doing me, truly me and accepting me and circumstances as I and they are. I love myself and I deserve so much better than this. I deserve to live an enriching and enhancing life, achieving my dreams and goals to any level that I possibly could ever desire with no limitations. I deserve to live life to its fullest extent and nothing less. Quitting means life. Quitting means truly living with life as it is and not with the image or video of it. Quitting means accepting and truly moving on and adjusting in to adulthood. Not being a child anymore but being a true and strong man that can take care of himself and his family. That is what truly matters, not these images and videos. Being strong despite wind, and not flailing just because something didn't go my way. Instead just standing strong and moving on. Being like a rock.

 

I relapsed twice today... I held on for as long as I could but binging isn't great. I think my problem nowadays is that I think I can put my happiness on another person. Blame that person if things aren't going the way I wanted it to. It doesn't work like that and a man does not solve his problems this way. I need to move, one step at a time in the direction of the best version of myself. I can't let another person boost my ego and feel great after that. I need to start taking care of myself. I am really good at it, eating right, meditating, now it's the last step start taking action toward the person I want to be. Start shaving more often, fixing my hair and above all start caring about who I am, how I come across and how I look. Start moving otherwise I will always blame someone or outer circumstances. I want to and need to live here in the moment, the moment is all that matters, start picking myself up and building the best person that I already I am today.

I am not feeling that great right now... I think that finding this out made me want to escape that burden. It was difficult that happiness is something I am solely responsible for. I'm gonna keep going but tips are greatly appreciated, I'm feeling somewhat lost. Maybe that is the right feeling to get myself back up. I will keep fighting on. I need to keep going, for me, my family and for all women. Can't keep doing this and seeing women as objects later on because they are not and neither am I. We are all people. This shit is shallow and only 2D, IT IS NOT REAL. I need to acknowledge that and start living life even more here and now. Because my 2D video computer bullshit is not real.