Koreaner trying to get back on his feet

Hello everyone,

While I am not completely new to the idea of curbing sex addiction, this is my first time being apart of the NoFap.

I am a 27-year-old male living in Washington D.C. I would say I am 70% gay and 30% straight. I started regularly watching porn and masturbating from 10th grade. I grew up in a conservative Christian household and was a serious Christian myself until my junior year of college. Porn addiction was something my father also struggled with, and he is the one who unknowingly exposed me to it.

Until I was 23, I buried my sexual attraction to men. To most people I interact with, I can come off as a straight man. It was my secret shame. I did seek help at my Christian college. My mentor, therapist, and RA all had good intentions but could not really help me since they lacked experience with homosexuality.

When I moved to Korea to work and study, it felt as if I was accountable to no one. I could do whatever I wanted and no one in my life would know or care. After a year of being there, I was very frustrated socially and a bad experience with a friend from the US that brought things to a tipping point. I wanted to make some progress with my sexual identity, and so I decided I needed to try having sex with a man. I downloaded a dating app and found someone. While I regret meeting a random person who turned out to be a jerk, I was happy I finally tried it out. It was very enlightening. It wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it would be. I think Christians can over emphasize sex. That meeting did not seem to drastically change anything in that moment.

This new found sexual outlet though did become a problem. The use of dating apps since then has been a time consuming addiction for me.

Korea is a very homogeneous society and my goal there was to become fluent in Korean. As a white person, this task is very difficult though since in a Korean person's mind white=English. As a white person who only spoke Korean I was very isolated. Many people would be disappointed or mad when I did not give them the English practice they expected. Others would avoid me because I looked different or they believed their English ability was not good enough to speak with me. I also found it hard to find Western foreign friends who also were trying to seriously learn Korean.

The everyday micro-conflicts that occurred and lack of acceptance for foreigners wore me down after three years. Dating apps and porn were/are my medication for this.

I now find myself unnecessarily using porn and dating apps for multiple hours every morning and night. It has really been a hindrance in making progress in life and has brought things to a stand still. I am often missing deadlines and failing to fulfill responsibilities. In general, I have lost the glow I once had in life. The things that excited me before do not bring the same excitement. I am more impulsive and lack the motivation I once had.

I am seeing a therapist to deal with the depression I first developed in Korea. While talking things out is helpful, I am not sure my therapist is skilled enough to help me overcome some of the "obstacles" and "habits" of my mind. They are not a believer in sex addiction, which I think has taken away from dealing with this issue.

I also have tried sex addiction groups, but I find them to be quite depressing or they have too high of an emphasis on God. (If God is apart of your recovery that is fine. I just am not at a point where I have a "higher power" as some of these groups emphasize.)

I hope through this site to find an accountability partner to reign in the emphasis of sex in my life currently. I hope sex will be a side perk in the future, rather than my main focus as it is now. I miss when I read books on the subway as oppose to checking my dating apps every stop. I miss the perspective of my world I once had. I hope to pick things back up and keep going in pursuing life goals and things of substance.

Nice to meet all of you!