I am feeling overwhelmed and not sure where to start. I think all this started around 1980 when I was in the 3rd grade and I found a huslter magazine. I was still too young to achieve orgasm but I knew looking at those pictures and touching myself felt really good. One of the neighbor kids and I looked at those pics and got pretty heated up. We playing with ourselves and eventually it turned into playing with each other a few times. It wasn't a matter of looking at another dude and thinking, "he turns me on and I want to touch him" it was a matter of my dick is on fire and anyone or anything that will make it shoot will work. Ripe tomatoes worked, warm cherry pie, what ever. That little gay episode was a couple BJ encounters and neither of us got off, and it felt horribly wrong, so it stopped there. I was a wild child as a teen, lots of parties, capt of the football team, cheerleaders, lots of booze, lots of girls, fast cars, fast motorcycles etc etc. I was voted life of the party as a senior because of some threesome action that spread through my school. My buddy and I tag teamed a few girls. But nothing between us guys. I joined the Air Force and got married at the age of twenty to a woman who turns out, didn't like sex much. She was pretty straight laced and I figured I needed that to keep me from crashing and burning. Well after a few years of starving for sex and daily masturbation to penthouse mags I discovered an adult video store. It was dark and creepy which made it kind of taboo, thus exciting. Having videos of porn in my house was next to impossible, but not at the video store. One day I was in a booth masturbating and I noticed a finger poking through a hole in the wall. This made my heart pound! So I stuck my dick through the hole and instantly shot my load. Again, this immediately felt very wrong and I left there in utter disgust of myself and what I just did. So I returned to my magazines, but after a while and a few drinks, the memory of my heart pounding and that rush would get the best of me. So I would find myself returning to what I now know is a glory hole. These episodes coincided with excessive drinking and a growing alcohol problem. This routine repeated over and over, sometimes I wouldn't pay a visit to the GH for months or years. Around this same time, high speed internet was invented and offered a whole new level of porn. Never have I ever found men attractive, I love pussy and dream about it. Things escalated when I was again, drunk and in a gloryhole and this guy offered me a whiff of Rush. I didn't know what it was but me being the cautious and wildly intelligent guy that I am, took a big whiff of this mystery substance some stranger was handing me in a gloryhole. GOD DAMN! My heart hadn't pounded like that in a long time and all the sudden I was looking at his dick, I'll spare you the details but, needless to say, when I sobered up, I wanted to vomit. Rush set me up for the next 10 years of escalation. The combination of Rush and Alcohol are insane, it made everything amazing. Movies, music, orgasms were out of this world. Then things started falling apart. I couldn't get hard anymore, my horrible marriage finally failed (lucky her) I was a full blown alcoholic and it took the hardest of porn to excite me. All of this world would just blow my friends/family's minds. They know me as bright, successful, athletic, great career, health conscious, marathon runner, heavy metal fan, mountaineer, and father. Geesh, I am really starting to sound like a fucking mess here. I quit drinking 2 years ago because I hated who I was turning into. I have a girlfriend who loves sex but I have a lot of issues performing. I seem to be able to fantasize and masturbate without issue, but with her I have issues. Not all the time but often enough to cause anxiety over the issue. I have never written this whole thing down or talked to anyone about this before. It looks worse reading it than I ever imagined. I think that quitting drinking has given me new skills and strength to tackle bigger issues. So here I am, putting all my shame out there for everyone to see. Not sure where this will go, but if I don't do anything, chances are nothing will change. Thanks for listening.
Thank you for sharing your story. Although it may seem to you that your story is strange, sounds bad and the worst thing possible, here on NoFap, it makes you fit right into this dysfunctional family of men and women. Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and sometimes challenge you but not judge you. The enemy is here to steal, kill and destroy. What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO?
