Journey to victory (again)

To tell you the truth the most disappointing thing that happened in my life is going back to porn and MB after 2 years of complete victory. I mean the desire was gone. After training my mind not to think sexual thoughts, which is the only way i was able to overcome porn and MB which i learned quick after trail and error, i ended up in the same problem. Let me tell you how it all happened:

I became a christian. And on fire for the lord. I went on a 6 days fast. Read the bible for. 7 hrs day. The victory over self changed my character. I testified to being a new creature. Instead of being eassily irritated or discouraged i was patient and persevering. Always hopeful and encouraging. My countenance had a natural peaceful happy glow. My physical strength and endurance improved. 25 pullups. 5 min mile. 17:45 5k. I would not easily quit. Had more energy. And i noticed girls would be more attracted to me. Partly i believe to the character change and they can see it in your eyes! I began to make a list of atleast 10 things i could do as acts of kindness. Feed the bum. Take a friend out to eat. Or say hello in another language to someone at school who did not speak english. I talked to people i never did before. partly because before i had low confidence and sadness/gloominess. I met best friends and talked to everyone at the gym. I determined to go 3 months and said to myself, after these 3 months its up to you what you do, even if you want MB 10 times a day but for these 3 months we going all in! The urge is the strongest in the beggining so it is important to make that commitment. By the time your 3 months in you experience such mental, physical and moral transformation that you wont be the type of person to do something like that. Your eyes become opened and you begin to hate the things you once loved and love the things you once hated.

I remember that night. Being clean for 2 years. Looking on that screen. I had goosbumps. In the proccess of quiting i had sold my laptop and got rid of my e

 

I remember that night. Being clean for 2 years. Looking on that screen. I had goosbumps. In the proccess of quiting i had sold my laptop and got rid of my electronic devises. One i gave to my best friend. But now that its been so long, i trusted myself with one. And had reason too. I looked on these images and the arrousol was not there. The desire gone. My mind and desires changed. The character of these woman made them so unattractive, something thats not as visable when your an addict.

I sat there. Angry with the lord. Confussed as can be. All the churches i went to the pastors say, " your saved by grace" " you cant earn your salvation" "its not about what you do but what jesus done for you" they were accusing me of being self rightous and that i was trying to earn my salvation. After arguing with pastors for about a year i said " lord this is what you want to teach, this is how im going to live! " " you say we have no power to overcome but you do it for us, so ill drop my hands and if temptation comes it will be all up to you to get me out!" " i prayed to the lord for true Christians as described in revelation who keep the comnandments of God and the faith of Jesus!" by the time the lord sent me them, i had myself in a bit.

The first 8 times i did it out of anger, and because of free time. It was so easy to turn of and just stop in the middle of it. No addiction. However after about two weeks addiction began forming again in my brain! Knowing the truth now, that " jesus came to save His people from their sins and not in their sins" and the divine effort is in vain without human cooperation, i still could not find myself to care again feeling descouraged of my loss of 2 year streak. I felt that it was such a battle that if i fell again into that pit i didnt not know if i could get back up.

 

Do you think that God will work a miracle to save those weak souls who cherish evil or practice sin? Or that some supernatural element will be brought into their lives lifting them out of self into a higher sphere, where everything will be comparitavely easy work, without any special effort, any special fighting, any crucifixion of self, because all who dally on satans ground waiting for this to be done will perish with the evildoers, they will be suddenly destroyed and without remedy