Journey for better me

Day 10 completed. Day 11 loading...

 

I am at day 0. I lost every progress that I made. I watched really "bad" videos and I masturbated 2 times. I am such an idiot. My motivation to continue nofap is dying.

 

Day 0
I am going to be fully transparent here. I was watching lesbian porn yesterday, but before I watched it, the thoughts of watching this kind of p came unto my mind. I could have resisted it. I just relapsed because of that and write it in my journal here. I was tired this morning, I didn't go to college but I had class. I then relapsed again earlier. What the fuck is wrong with me? I was doing not bad, but I am being worse again. Then I noticed why I didn't resist the idea of watching P. My earlier streak was 10 days, and in those days, I do nothing to help me resist this negative ideas. I was just counting days. I said to myself if I touch myself or watch p, that is a relapse, but I am going to modify that. It is a relapse for me if I

1 Didn't read Bible
2 Didn't pray in the morning
3 Didn't listen songs
4 Didn't do sport
5 Use internet without reason
6 Touching myself
7 Watching p.

I am going to stick with this plan for the rest of my life. I also plan to go to church after a long period of time. Today is day 0, and I may not follow my list. Tomorrow will be day 1, and if I didn't follow my list, I will reset my counter. I am annoyed by myself but I am grateful that God gave me another chance to change my life, and I am still breathing. Wish you luck to you all.

 

Baby step 1 and 2 completed.

 

March was a bad month for me. I used a paid video chat for the first time and it cost me a lot. I have a brand new month and I won't waste it. I relapsed often because I was not visiting or posting here and I was not able to fight ideas when my brains ordered to watch porn. I will unblock everything because blocking stuff didn't work out for me. Day 0.

 

This would be my last time doing nofap. I don’t know what to do anymore with no hope. I tried but failed. Today is day 0. I would love to be free, but I am feeling really down. I can’t see a single light. I noticed it is not about the days: it is all about my life. I should focus on my life vision rather than quitting porn. I want to cure my anterior pelvic tilt and be in a good shape by doing physical exercise. Starting tomorrow, I am living for that and I will do ANYTHING to achieve this goal. People treat me like shit because of my posture. I won’t let that be same. I have a life vision now besides my study and I must start tomorrow. The sooner I start, the better the result. I make a promise to post my progress towards fixing my APT not porn addiction. I believe I will make this happen. I will return here to write down what I did through the day.

 

Previously, I my goal was to go as much as days as possible free from porn and masturbation. It is still my goal; however, it is not my prior goal. If I only think about quitting my addiction, I am always reminded of all past things I have gone through. I stopped my 90 days challenge and every challenge as I was not making a progress. Besides my college life, I will focus on fixing my anterior pelvic tilt, which I had more than 10 years. I couldn't remember when I had it. Now is the time to change that! I also need to fix my overall posture by working out. I am doing some exercises like squad and push-up. I will do the same tomorrow and progress. One more thing, I was looking "what am I interested in?" and I like cooking a food that I never did. I will give it a try and let you know, but I will just cook what I normally cook today. I am also reading a book that will help me to know more about this addiction. See you all!

 

Today I read some stuffs related to overcome PMO as knowledge is very useful to be free from PMO addiction but not the only one. Then I attend class, went to home and cooked some food. I cooked something I never cooked before( I mixed potatoes, carrot with tomatoes) and it tastes good. My anxiety is as it is. I feel like everybody is watching me when they are really not and I feel like they know I am an addict. I want to be a computer scientist but PMO is hijacking my mind and eliminate my concentration. I must move forward even if life is hard. If I want to be something, then I need to work for that dream. I work out any exercises to fix my APT today but I will do some after writing my journal here. That is all I have for today. I hope tomorrow will be better than today. I will study hard for my exams despite I loose interest. As long as I am alive, I should live well right? See you all!

 

I am back here! My mood today is not great. I woke up at 7 and I just had ideas of watching Porn. I even tried to watch, but thankfully I had blocked every sites that would led me to watch p. I then read a book related with porn recovery. I didn't do exercises to help me fix my anterior pelvic tilt today, but I will do it. I am trying to study and do my assignments as usual, but I lost my concentration. I will push myself no matter what I am feeling bad right now. I want to tell you something else. There are a lot of white girls on p videos than black and Through watching a lot of those videos, I was not even interested in black girls. I am black myself, but I am attracted to white girls because of what I have been seeing. I hope this problem would be fixed when I quit. Now I am ready to do some exercises. I will be back later or tomorrow. You all have a good day.

 

Made a mistake last night. I was not in control. I remembered my password which I was blocking porn with and I ended up spending money on some sites. I lost my sleep, money and everything... But I used another password and locked my access to it. I will be back later to write down what I will do today. I am feeling down. But I now I know that I am not in control and be careful for the future. Thankfully, I didn't masturbate and still it is a relapse so I am starting again. It was just not a good night. I lost the battle and I am in the circle again...

 

DAY 0
There are a lot of day 0's in my journal. I will just try to continue. I had a thought of quitting nofap. But, my friend here @DayOne44 helped me to stay motivated. Thank you @DayOne44 for your advice. I am having a back pain and I have no plan for today. I will just go to school tomorrow and do my assignments. Thanks to porn, I am now an emotionless person. screw porn!

 

As I said yesterday, I went to college and attend my class but I was tired like a zombie. I don't think I would go to tomorrow because my energy level is very low and I have exam on Wednesday so I will just be prepared for that. I need to stay motivated even when I am feeling hopeless. Oh yeah that is all I have today.

 

I didn't go to college today. I was doing some assignments and I have a bunch of assignments waiting for me. I didn't start preparing for tomorrow's exam at all. I would just practice. I am not blocking P right now, but since I would be busy, I don't think I will watch P. The feeling of tiredness is still there so I couldn't do physical exercise. I started reading a book last night and I find it is really hard to read after a long period of abstaining from it. I am planning on finishing the book instead of working out or something else since my energy level is low. My plan today is just do my assignments, study a little bit and that is it! I will reward myself if I make it to 30 days of abstaining from PMO. If I do that I will watch the new movie of Doctor Strange. May you be safe brothers.


Afternoon post
My eyes are hurt so much. I have no motivation to study for my exam tomorrow. I completed 2 assignments but I have to do more. For the test tomorrow, I will just summarize some concepts and go for it. I would gladly accept anything that will increase motivation to do things and decrease laziness

 

The test was not pretty much hard but I get a 0 result on quiz because I was absent. Anyways, It happened and I can't fix it. I am a little bit better than the couple of days so I will do a sport for 1 hour. After that, I will be doing my assignments. My grades are not that much good so I need to work on them. I noticed visualizing is so important in this journey. Visualize yourself where you will be after 10 days, then after 20 days, .... I think it is very useful. I really want to build some muscles and that is what I am going to do today. I will do it now!

 

I am here to post the most annoying and reckless thing I have ever done in my life. I was looking on my credit card balance and I lost $500 within less than 2 week for cam models. I don't want to call the site's name, but I am really annoyed by myself. I am not a rich person and I also came from africa to USA. My family, friends could have used to eat a better food, and wear a better cloth. I feel awful and I didn't think it will be this much money. Let me tell you what happened last night. My friend suggested to read a book at night, but I didn't read instead, I was wondering in my head and I just began touching my D. Then I went to this site to check in but I couldn't see them because I made a promise not to see to my friend. I just couldn't sleep. I woke up again and checked the site, again and again. Then in the morning I went to school. There were several reasons that I didn't went to chat with the models last night. 1) I was too uncomfortable to say, "I watch this" to someone I care in my life. 2) I don't want to go back and feel like shit as I was feeling on day 0. 3) I don't want to make my creator be sad about me and so on. I went to college but there was no class then I said f*** let me buy some minutes and chat with them and I did. I used $30 this morning. I checked my credit card and couldn't believe I lost $500. It is already passed but I should be careful now. I blocked the sites with password and using hosts. I will continue my journey now. I hope I won't do this kind of foolish thing from now on. I didn't M and that is why I didn't call it a relapse. Please don't get involved in this shit like me.

 

You are right man. Indeed, a painful awakening...

 

After spending $530 on nothing useful, I became annoyed and learned some lesson. I should never involve in spending money on cam sites. I am not doing great, but I am doing just fine. I have a lot more things to do. I haven't finished doing my assignments and staying busy helped a lot. I am so grateful and I want to stay away from P forever.

 

I made a mistake today. I was visiting p sites and watching p. I had no urges, temptations but I just watched it when I got the chance to see it. My mind is programmed to watch that to feel high. But I took an action. I set up a password and cease my access to this sites because I am pretty sure that I have no self control. Today may not be good like yesterday, but I still have a chance to do good things today.I noticed watching porn is more dangerous than masturbating because I keep wiring my mind with it and whenever I am watching p, I spent a lot of time on it. I will avoid porn as much as I could. Usually, Saturday and sunday are problematic days for me. I am glad that I didn't masturbate but still, porn damaged me last night. I will take a lesson from last night and be prepared for similar confidences next time. Have a great day!

 

Again, I visited p subs and then I said to myself, "man, stop this shit!" and I stopped. Today was a good day and I am thankful that my presentation was okay. I didn't waste most of my time and I was productive. I mustn't let my guard down from now on and be prepared for any destructive thoughts. I hope tomorrow will be better than today! Have a good night!