Journal | Daily Updates on My Progress (or Lack Thereof)

Day 1 (here) Day 3 of NF

So, I think journaling is going to help me stay focused.

And also I'm a writer and so hopefully my words, as well as my experience, can help to inspire others.

I've had quite a lot of anxiety recently about my addiction and the potential for it to damage my relationships etc. And this had led me to consciously reposition my thinking about them i.e. stop making excuses and identify them as being negative, unhealthy, and abnormal.

I won't go into the specifics again, as you can read the post linked above if you want some more context.

Today, I feel like it's quite a challenge - hence why I've upped my activity here. I was just observing until now, but I'm now signed up and actively posting.

The challenges have been:

• Wanting to install a certain dating app (gay) to see who has been messaging
  
• Knowing that I will be alone - without my wife - at home for several weeks in December (fantasizing)
  
• Being drawn towards girls on social
  
• Wanting to explore wellness m (just an excuse)

Beyond this, I still find myself ogling in the streets and fantasising as a result.

I also feel very sensitive down there - like I am somehow slightly aroused. I guess it feels like a pre-warning to a wd.

I've also had dreams - very graphic - and sleep thoughts. These have been very real and led me to want to revisit them somehow.

I have stayed strong so far though - except the ogling. And I'm committed to keep going.

I've done an independent nf for over a year before, in my 20s, and it felt incredible. I've also had long periods - 4-5 months in last few years where I feel I've completely overcome it, only for something to creep back.

I even recall once saying to myself - "wow, I'm so glad I'm over fantasising about men. There is not a single part of me that's into that" - only to be back on that app the next morning (after months away).

I should add that I do have relationship problems - some of which are due to my wife's behaviour (and not just mine). When she is acting unfairly towards me, this is when I often excuse myself and lose the battle.

Many thanks for listening.

 

I wasn't allowed to includet the previous thread for context => https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?t...ieve-i-have-the-strength.354122/#post-3688519

 

Ah awesome! Thanks for the pointer - I will shift it over there.

Yeah, it's also what made me realize that this is an addiction and not just a preference. I was so happy to be free of it and then BOOM, it completely took me over again.

I've never been addicted to drugs, so can't really say it's the same, but also looking back at the way I behaved - even just a few days ago - just fills me with embarrassment (which I assume it what it's like for alcoholics and drug addicts).

Recently, I've looked at my desk or sat in my car, and recalled like "wow, just last week I was here frantically doing x, y, z." Like what a waste of time and how degrading. But, yep, it is what it is.

In the main, I'm quite able to keep things in perspective and be light on myself. I've tried to create certain ground rules to prevent hurt. I've been disciplined and a loyal to a degree, in that respect. But equally, those boundaries were the creation of my addiction - to lure me into something that actually isn't okay.

I'm increasingly confident, through every exchange here, that I can come out the other side.

 

Thanks for that - makes a lot of sense.