I've struggled with PMO for over 40 years :: Don't be like me!

Male
52 years old
My first experience with PMO was when I was about 10 years old.

I went to stay with a family (for about two weeks) while my parents traveled overseas. I knew the family, not well, but well enough. What an eye opener that was! They lived on a farm, I lived in the city. They hunted with guns, I had never used a gun before. They rode horses, I rode my bike. It was a new and exciting experience for me.

One evening we were all watching TV. The movie Blue Lagoon was playing. As I recall it has tons of nudity throughout. One scene from the movie I kept playing over and over in my mind for the next 24-hours. It was the scene when the male character M'ed on the rocks. The next night, out of pure curiosity and experimentation, I tried M'ing for the first time. I was both shocked when I ejaculated and somewhat satisfied (I wasn't sure I was experiencing pleasure or amazement). For the rest of my stay on the farm I M'ed at every opportunity. This would be the beginning of my 40+ year struggle with PMO. And with the eventual introduction of fast internet my habit with PMO has become near impossible to kick completely.

I have risked so much for PMO. My health, my marriage, my reputation, my job(s), my standing in my church, just to name a few things. I have broken my wife's heart - yet she continues to love me.

I was looking forward to Christmas and New Years and all was going well, almost too well. It seems that I tell myself that things are going so well that I can just have one small peak or view objectionable content online. It's totally crazy, it's like I tell myself to celebrate my success by checking out some P, so I do. And before I know it I'm spending days online viewing P and M'ing to O. I am so over this continual conflict I have going on in my head/soul/life. The hypocrisy and denial just sucks. I want to, as Freddie Mercury sang, 'I want to break free!'

I go about three months then slip up. So this time I'm going to go 7 days without PM. When I'm successful I will reset my goal and double the time. So in 7 days I will attempt 14 days, then 28 days and so on. I won't add O in parameters because if I, as Daft Punk sing, 'Get Lucky', and my wife and I enjoy some much needed intimacy, then I don't want to deprive her - does that make sense? I have tried going with out O before but it's become awkward when my wife has wanted intimacy. Don't get me wrong, there ain't no intimacy happening between us at present, which sucks, for both of us.

I have much respect for Alex and all of you Femstronaus and Fapstronauts for who have embarked on this journey. I especially admire those that can go public about their struggle. I'd like to tell the whole world about my struggle and that PMO is a huge trap. But one day at a time, I'm not about to do that. So the next best thing I can do is join this NoFap community and hopefully gain some support in the next chapter of my journey.

(sigh)

Here's to a great new year, may 2020 be the best year of our lives. Thanks for reading. I hope to get to know many of you and offer support where I can.

 

BEST thing I've heard all year haha, thanks Enormous!
It seems the way to being free of PMO is so simple. Don't watch P. Won't M to O. Simple.

Ahhh, well, if it were that simple I wouldn't be here.

You've pointed out some very important things, the "innocent" bargaining voice, the cravings, and saying NO. Much appreciated man. These will aid me on my journey.

 

Much appreciated Jefe Rojo! Because I haven't reached out in the past until now (except for a few church leaders) I've tried to overcome this by myself and have failed miserably each time. I intend to stick around on this site and community to gain more momentum and support.

I'm just working out how I start my journal. I see you have been journaling for some time.

 

Hi @Betterme2020,
I just watched the movie trailer, it looks intriguing. Is that Henry Winkler aka Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzarelli, at 1:52
So how have you been using the resource? Is it a book or movie or other? And how has it helped you so far?
At first I was skeptical, especially when I saw that you had to purchase it.
So I enrolled for 'Journey into The Heart of Man – Preview Episode.' I'll go take a look and let you know how I get on.
Thanks!

 

Unfortunately, yes, at my age I am still wanting to give up PMO.
I hope you and your your friend will be able to gain control of the urges and give up PMO while in your younger years. Your life will be more rewarding and you’ll have less regrets if you do. All the best my friend!

 

I’m doing ok! Yay! I want to keep going and kick this PMO habit once and for all. I’ve received a lot of support here on NoFap. Thanks everybody!

 

As I reflect back over 2020, what a year it's been. I have loved many things about 2020, and I look forward to many awesome things that 2021 promises to bring.
I've been feeling low about my relapses during 2020. When I started NoFap this year I really, really believed that I was going to have a porn-free year. Well, I take full responsibility for my relapses and slips. I went back over my journal and calculated that I relapsed approximately 5 times, some of those relapses were one-off situations, while others were several days of binging. I also had a few slip-ups where I clicked into porn but managed to click out before going all the way to M.

I estimate out of the 365 days of 2020 that I gave in to PMO about 10-20 of those days. This calculation of days, while I'd like to have zero days that I give in to PMO, helps me put my struggle and my journey into perspective. I've been feeling really low and down, like I mentioned earlier, about my relapses and slips this year. Almost like I'm a total failure for not having a porn-free year. Well, I'm going to shake that attitude and keep my struggle in perspective. I am of worth. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of my Heavenly Father and Saviour's love and support.

Thank you NoFap, and thank you all you awesome travellers on this journey with me. I wish you a wonderful New Years eve, and a PMO free New Year in 2021.

For my reference, estimated slips/relapses of 2020:
Jan relapse
Feb slip
March relapse
Sept relapse
Oct relapsed several times
Dec relapsed several times