(Please excuse my english, its not my native) Hello everyone! Im a 23 year old women who's officialy 3 seconds away from going crazy. For the last 5.5 years Ive been happliy (mainly) engaged to a wonderful man. Id say our relationship is perfect if it was considered normal not having sexual connection while living together and being together. It started out great. It always does, doesn't it? We had regular sex, good times together, easy on fights, vacations, everything. After about 2 months into our relationship i came across P on his computer while we sat together and i asked him to go onto YouTube, a whole another site was shown in the Internet log. And for most it wouldnt be a problem, but for me it is as i just can't be ok with it so i made it very clear i dont like this. He was allright with it and said a buddy sent it to him for jokes. Fine. Everything as normal again. Little did i know this was going to be my biggest struggle 5 years from that day on and foward.. 3 years with ups and downs, excuses, lies, promises and explanations until one day i woke up and he wasnt in bed. I walked out to the livingroom to see him sitting there and you know. Its a whole different thing to actually see it with your own eyes. My fiancee, my boyfriend, sitting here, in our house, while im in bed, avaiable, i wasnt chosen..? After that he promised to stop. And for 2 years i honestly tought he did. He was depressed, unhappy, angry, didnt want to do anything other than lay on the couch playing games, didnt want to talk to me and we where sexual about once a month. All other days he just didnt seem to care. I tried my best to be supportive, be a good girlfriend, not to nag about our sexual life and just let him do what makes him happy. Earlier this year, in may, i found out that he was still doing it. Well, it sounds easy but it was a 3 days long fight with a countless amount of lies from him and i got like 3 different stories before i got the true one witch was that the past 2 years he have been doing it multiple times a week and the last months, alot at work. Just weeks before this fight i watched a tv show about pmo addiction and about this page. After the "reveal", i read up on this forum, encouraged him to do the same, took a deep dive into what pmo is, what you can do, what i can do as his fiancee, what i can expect if he tries to stop and so on. I made a big poster for our wall to motivate him, so he could look at whenever he felt like watching p. Even tho i felt so betrayed as ever, unattractive, unappriciated i decided to help. Well, also because often when we fight and i bring up that we might should take a break (witch i do believe would do both good) he treatens to kill himself. And he made me feel very bad and told me ive "never tried to help him" so i kinda felt like i had to. So i tried to motivate as best i could. The only thing i asked for in return is honesty. I told him from the start that i understand this is a long road, im going to stay here, im going to help you, i understand you might have a relapse and when you do, ill help you back up on your feet again. I wont get mad, i just need honesty. Did i get it? No. 110 days later i put my foot down and told him to stop lying to me. Today, actually. Ive had a feeling for a month but he been making excuses and i believed them, stupid as i am. He says he made 70 days then had a relapse and multiple times after that. Problem is; how do i even believe him now? With so many lies, at least 20 only today before he told me its been going on for a while, how do i even know when he is telling the truth? I really love his guy, like, alot, but my heart is broken, i feel ugly as hell, empty inside and unloved.. I doubt the fact that he even want to stop as it seems he is making a bigger effort lying to me and sneaking around rather than being open and honest about it. I feel like my life is just passing by and im stuck at nothing in a relationship where i dont even feel loved. My selfesteem is as bad as ever and i can hardly look at myself without feeling disgust. I know it isnt like that, but i feel like im not good enough, and that the women in the movies are better, prettier, more attractive.. I dont even know what to do anymore. Do i give it another shot or do i leave? I feel so helpless and alone please help me
Welcome mster! I think ultimately the decision of whether or not you stay is up to you. Is it possible to work things out? Absolutely! Are things too far gone for you? You are the only one that can answer that. I encourage you to read some journals on nofap to understand just how serious this addiction is. I believe you can work things out with him but he has to be willing to be completely honest with you. I would encourage him to start looking around on this site and starting a journal of his own. Please feel free to read my journal. I have been exactly where you are and I was ready to leave my husband. I am so glad I stayed. Things can get better but only if he is willing to do the work. Please keep us informed and we wish you the best of luck!
Thank you for your reply. Ive read your journal, multiple times actually. And every single other file that have something to do with relationships and what i can do to help. I dont mind the relapse. Ill stay here for 200 relapses If i have to cause i love him too much to give up.. The lying, sneaking and keeping things hidden i do mind. I do mind that i devote myself 100% to this and he chooses, still, to lie about it and sneak around to do it, make excuses for us not being intimite +++...
You have to remember, addicts will lie, cheat and steal to keep their addiction alive. Once he admits he has a problem and is willing to change it, that's when the healing can begin. It's a really tough road but if he decides to change, it is so worth it!
I understand. He been admitting to having an addiction several times, and its used as a argument every time we have a fight or conversation about pmo. But still he isnt 100% comitted to change it seems..
Unfortunately he is the only one that can decide to change. You can't make him change, although I know you wish you could. If he has no desire to change, you are fighting an battle that cannot be won. I am all for spouses and significant others to help their mate through this addiction but as I said, unless he wants to change, there is nothing you can do. I've said it to many women on here, you have to take care of yourself and can't take care of yourself if you're always worried about what he is doing and if he is being truthful and faithful to you. You deserve sex more than once a month. You deserve a man who respects you and will be honest with you. You are engaged. You don't want to go into a marriage with this cloud over you, believe me. It makes it 10x worse when you get married under the assumption that things are different than they really are.
As a man, I agree with what Blondewife says. If you haven't, read www.yourbrainonporn.com. I've learned a lot about the brain science of the addiction - which is what we are up against. And, as Blondewife says, Sounds like it might be useful for you to sort out for yourself what you are willing to put up with and what you are not. One other thing In my view, that is a serious issue - and a serious manipulation of you. His well being is his to deal with - you can't deal with it, you can't heal him, you can't fix him. This may be a little harsh, however, if his talk about about killing himself if you leave has anything to do with why you're staying, that is not a healthy relationship. And, if someone talks about killing themselves, I strongly recommend getting them to professional counseling ASAP. If they (he) doesn't want to go, not healthy to be around. Sorry if this is too direct. Putting it straight - using the suicide card makes for an abusive relationship. I really wish you the best. And, it may be tough for a little bit. You can handle it!
