It's time to quit for good

Hi everyone,

New member here! Porn and Fapping is something I'm now super determined to give up on, more than ever before. I thought I'd post my story here - not sure anyone will be interested, but it's good for my recovery trail to journal my thoughts and motivations for quitting. I also reckon there's a fair few people going through what I'm going through, so if you are interested then great - we're in this together.

So I've been on and off quitting porn/fapping for close to 2 years now. I'll be 23 in March, and I think I first started reading about and trying out NoFap a few months before my 21st birthday. My original motivation was to help reduce social anxiety, and become more compatible with girls. In the time since I first got interested in it, my life has been pretty up and down. I've gone through periods (never quite 3 months, but up to 2 months) without whacking off, although it's worth noting that I often have watched the odd porn video that appeared on my twitter feed (even though I don't follow any explicit accounts). I definitely cut down massively on the amount of porn and fapping in these last 2 years or so, but can't say that I was properly practicing nofap. For instance, I'd stop for 1 month, then start for 2 weeks, stop for 3 weeks, start for a few days etc.

I feel since discovering nofap, I have reduced social anxiety and improved with girls. However, I also haven't transformed myself in the way I'd like to. For instance, I previously went a few weeks without fapping, only to then have sex with a girl I wasn't even physically attracted to (she just behaved like she was hungry for sex- a lot like how pornstars act in videos). I am now aware that this did little to help my progress - I was refraining from porn, but seeking out my fantasy of 'quick and easy' sex that I had developed from years of watching porn.

I have therefore been unable to fully focus on self-improvement, and have failed to find a significant other who I wish to settle down with (or at least try to have a long term connection with). This is due to the fact that every time in the past I started nofap, I was always thinking about girls and sex, and that it was alright for me to do this as long as I didn't watch porn or whack off. How stupid this was of me.
My self-esteem is also pretty low, and I have no doubt this is partly due to having 'unconventional' sexual fantasies that are in the back of my mind (developed from the porn I have watched). I won't go into any detail - they're not fantasies I'm really ashamed of or anything, they're just sexual acts that aren't intimate, passionate, or loving. Perhaps this is why I have previously gone for girls who I don't think are particularly attractive - I just wanted someone to fulfil my fantasy.

I am now attempting to quit whacking off and porn for good, with pure intentions straight from the start. I know this will be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I've never been addicted to substances, foods, drinks etc. Sexual desires are a different beast for me unfortunately.
My motivation now is self improvement - I want to become the best version of myself in terms of work, lifestyle, and success. Of course, I'd be lying if I said women weren't motivating me in part. It is now a different kind of desire for women though. I only want a woman for loving and intimate purposes - any kind of meaningless sex can fuck off. I am also not focussing primarily on attraction from girls - I hope this is just a side-product from the end result of me becoming my best self. A previous girl I had a relationship with (and actually kind of liked) recently ended things with me. I have no doubt that if I was succeeding in my life, she would have remained with me - all the more motivation for nofap - to avoid situations like this in the future.

At the moment the main hurdle for me will be when I'm hungover - I always feel very horny when I wake up after drinking. I don't drink too often, so hopefully this won't be a huge obstacle. Boredom is another obstacle, although I am now so determined that I hope this doesn't come into play.
The one positive is that due to Covid, it is unlikely I will meet any women for the next 3 months. As mentioned before, in the past this was a huge detriment - I'd refrain from fapping only to end up sexualising and sleeping with women who I didn't really like.

My birthday is in March, so by then I hope to have accomplished a full reboot. Yeah, that's my story - I may continue posting about it, to help me on my way.

Peace and love guys.