It's time to end the maddness

Greetings all.

I appreciate the opportunity to introduce myself to the community. Even though the NoFap ethos is relatively new, I'm about 45 years late in arriving.

My story probably does not differ too much from the majority of men here. Thanks to a stack of Playboy magazines I kept hidden under our house, I discovered the allure of erotic imagery at a very young age. In my teens, I was not particularly popular with the girls and could hardly perform when given my first few opportunities because I was afraid of the eternal damnation my mother had me convinced I would suffer if I engaged in premarital sex. I love my mom, now 98 years old, but man did she do a number on my sexual identity during my youth and adolescence. Thanks mom.

Ever since those early years, my relationship to my human sexuality has been awkward, at best. Lack of self confidence and an ever present performance anxiety made masturbating to porn a safe and inviting alternative. Thus began my nearly lifelong journey through virtually every brand of porn imaginable. I'm disgusted in this moment just thinking about it.

What I discovered somewhere during my college years was the combination of alcohol, pot and porn made for a very potent cocktail and became my unholy trinity of vices that I've practiced for the past four decades.

A few low points along the way were my inability to consummate my first marriage on our wedding night, no doubt due to a combination of alcohol and PIED. Though my marriage lasted for 18 years, the first night's failure, followed by several times of being caught in the act by my first wife, made for a remarkably strained marriage that ultimately ended in divorce ten years ago.

Another low point was when my 10 year old daughter walked in on me while I was engaged in my favorite passtime. Needless to say, the fallout was as ugly as it was painful. I could go on with similar horror stories, but will refrain for the sake of brevity.

After my first marriage ended in divorce, I immediately jumped into another relationship and virtually all of the old patterns merely accelerated. Daily pot and porn use took much of the same toll on my second marriage that is now hanging on by a thread.

Now, at age 60, I have lost two houses to foreclosure, my good credit to bankruptcy, the majority of any social life I once had, and virtually all of my former interests. With nothing of any merit to show for my six decades of life, I have lived with a nearly constant background depression, ever-declining self image and the near loss of hope that it will ever be any different. At the rate I am going, I'll spend my elder years bagging groceries and living under a bridge in El Monte.

But that is not how I intend to go out. Over the years I've made many failed attempts to quit my vices though, as of yet, to no avail. But now I have discovered the NoFap community and a few other resources that may, God willing, make a difference.

So with no false hope, but great humility and a singular desire to reinvent my life (what is left of it), I am going chips all in. I recently discovered narrative therapy and am getting a ton of help in literally deconstructing my former habitual and deeply-rutted personal narrative for replacement by one that will serve my higher values far better than the last one. I need a new fucking story.

I have chosen to make active participation in the NoFap community a big part of my new narrative, as I know I will not succeed in overcoming my demons outside of a supportive community and absent my own contribution to others in their areas of need. I've been a taker for far too long. All that matters to me now is being of whatever help and support I can be to others.

So with that introduction, I'm on-board, my anonymous friends. I'll make no grand declarations because I've failed so many times in the past after doing so. For now, I will simply make this commitment to whomever may be reading. I will not give up the fight. I will not accept defeat. I will not go down without leaving my blood, sweat and tears on the battlefield in support of my comrades in arms. That is my solemn vow and I humbly request your help in holding me to account.

Damn the torpedoes. Let's do this thing.

 

To be honest, it's been challenging this weekend. I've been overly tired and that has been one of my triggers in the past. Not giving in though. Sneaking up on 10 days. I joined a 90 day challenge and am spending time on this site as well as an online therapy site called Talkspace. The combination gives me a couple places to go for insight, accountability and support. Finally using the internet for something purely positive and life-affirming.

Thanks for inquiring. Onward.