"It's always best to start at the beginning..."

Well now, this is interesting. I haven't posted on a message board or forum since I was a teenager. Luckily, it's just like riding a bike: fun until you go in headfirst.

Anyway, hi everyone! I'm feeling a rather lengthy post coming on, so here's fair warning. Thankfully, one Good Witch has given me a good idea of where to begin:

Spoiler

I can distinctly remember the first time I looked at porn. I was at a friend's house researching for a paper I had to complete for English class. He had a computer, and our teacher required that our work be typed. My assignment was Julius Caesar, so I found some fancy ivy clip art and put the thing into one of those clear plastic folders that (I was certain) teachers went gaga for.

As unsupervised eleven-year-olds do, we got into some mischief. A quick search in Yahoo yielded a low-res animation and a lot of guilt. Feeling utterly remorseful, I confessed to my mother the next day.

A year later, I was visiting the same friend. We went into chat rooms "pretending" to be gay (to be fair, he WAS pretending). We'd send a collection of pictures of guys that someone had sent him. I was intrigued, so when he went to bed I started browsing. I had my first wet dream that night.

Soon, I had my own computer in my own room at home, and I was hooked. Still images and erotic tales were my game, and I logged on every chance I got. Over the years my time online would wax and wane. When I began having actual relations with other boys, I found that the only way I could finish things was to mentally picture whatever I'd looked at on the computer. Thus began the template for nearly all my sexual encounters for 13 years.

Now, I've had a wonderful partner for almost two years. We live together, and our sex life has just about hit zero. I've struggled with anxiety for a long time, and now even mental images aren't cutting it. I want us to be intimate, and I want to help to satisfy us both like we deserve. He knows I'm posting here, and is supportive of the journey.

Cutting out my "other relationship" is already difficult at 36 hours in. It's been my constant lover for nearly half my life, and now I'm turning it away. It was all the things I wanted that I was afraid to ask other people for. Just the same, for the sake of my real love, the one who held me when things were too much to bear, I'm giving it up.

Now, if your eyes aren't too tired after the marathon read above, I'd love to get to know you. I'm still not entirely sure where to begin (short of reading about rebooting), so for now, I'll leave the incognito tabs closed and see where that gets me.

Thank you!