It's About Time!

My name is Chandler and this is my short story.

It hurts me to say how long I've been fighting this monster of an "addiction."

I remember sitting around the lunch table listening to all of my middle school friends talk about how many videos they had watched the night before. They'd joke about their attraction for their favorite pornstar or laugh about how many times they've masturbated in one day. As these conversations circulated day after day, I sat in the corner quietly because I had never watched anything.

But, the day that I would first watch pornography lingered not too far in the future. I was a 7th grader. Only 13 years old when I was first exposed. My friend had opened up his home computer and searched the internet. Finally, a video popped up and we watched it in a combination of disbelief and disgust (If only I still had that childlike innocence today).

By the end of my eighth grade year, I was watching porn on a regular basis. Whenever I found myself home alone, I'd grab my iPod Touch and then search the web for videos. At the time, I was so naive. I figured, everyone else watches it, so why can't I? It was a normal thing to do and there was absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Fast forward another few years: I confronted my pornography addiction for the first time. I found myself in a chapel at Hume Lake Christian Camp. I had just heard one of the most powerful messages of my entire life and I was overcome with guilt. I broke down and started to cry. That night, aside from affirming my faith for the first time, I also opened up to several of my friends about my addiction to pornography.

Coming back home from that summer camp, I was convinced that I would never watch pornography again. I was wrong. Some thirteen days later, I was browsing porn websites for whatever videos I could find.

I was disgusted with myself. I'd ask, "What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you just quit?" I even got to the point where I walked into my backyard, iPod and baseball bat in hand. I tossed my iPod up and swung my baseball bat as hard as I could, shattering the iPod all across the yard.

But as you may assume, my struggle continued. Now, roughly nine years after first viewing pornography, I am still at war. I've certainly had my ups and downs. I've reached out to accountability partners, I've joined Fight the New Drug's Fortify program, and I've even installed porn-blockers onto my iPhone. But even up until this point, I haven't escaped the grasp of this addiction. In the past year, the longest streak that I have accumulated is 56 days. I am certainly proud, but I've drifted far from that success. Once again, its grown into a weekly habit. When my roommates are gone or when I need a quick fix from all of my studying, I'll revert back to this struggle on mine.

NoFap, I need your help. Of the programs I've joined, I haven't actually felt as if I was a part of a community. With Fortify, I fought my addiction alone. I had two accountability partners, but I felt as if I really wasn't understood. They had experienced the same problems as me, but they never really urged me forward.

Over the past few weeks, I've reached the point where I am exhausted from this battle. I make so much progress only to slip and fall right back into the same dark abyss that I attempted to get away from. My mind leads me back down this dark path that claims all of these sweet nothings. It tells me it will free me of stress. It asks me to look at it only for a little. Next thing I know, I've gone on a two hour binge and I feel absolutely terrible. I lay in bed, just trying to block out all of the images I just viewed. The following morning, I don't want to wake up. I lack all sorts of motivation and I continue to tear myself down, creating this cycle that seems to never end.

I'm ready to start living. I'm ready to stop living this lie. All of my friends know me as this incredibly joyous, faithful, and loving person, and yet I live this lie late at night, hiding behind the lies of pornography websites. I want to be my true self. That 56 day streak was the best time of my life. I felt more confident, more faithful, and more friendly. I need porn gone and I need my life back.

These past couple of months, I have heard a lot about the NoFap community and I am finally apart of it. I look forward to joining this army and I hope to fight this battle with all of you by my side.

If any of you reading this and have any comments, stories, affirmations, or simply want to say what's up, don't be afraid to do so.