It was too hard...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by nice-girlfriend, Jul 21, 2019.

  1. nice-girlfriend

    nice-girlfriend Fapstronaut

    8
    11
    3
    I couldn't deal with the lies and the rejection anymore and dealing with someone who couldn't trust themselves either. It had been over 2 months without sex. Being someone who prefers porn over me is just too much and I didn't want to live like that. He said he would try but yet he never did. We were going to couples therapy but she was not well versed in this bc she told him to just cut back. Bad advice. He never joined this forum or attempted to help himself. He had a lot of other issues too which I am sure is not surprising. After 3 years in a bad relationship with someone with so many problems they were bringing me down with them, I had to get out. Don't be afraid to leave! No one deserves to have their own self worth come into question bc they aren't being treated right. It's going to take me a long time to build myself up and be ready to date again.
     
  2. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    121
    154
    43
    You were brave to get out of the relationship, and show him that you are worth more than that. You are right, no one deserves that.

    Healing will take time, but you will be happy again!
     
    Sir Minato and nice-girlfriend like this.
  3. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Congrats on your choice.

    What exactly would you say you learned from dealing with a porn addict ?

    Are you open to dating another one in the future ?

    Is there anyway to prevent the mistakes (if any) in selection from reoccurring ?

    Curious to hear your wisdom on this?
     
  4. nice-girlfriend

    nice-girlfriend Fapstronaut

    8
    11
    3
    Hi need4realchg,
    Not sure what I learned but I dont think I would want to be in that situation again - it's too hurtful. If he had shown that he was working on his issues (as he made me do in order to be in the relationship), then I would have considered staying. But he was literally doing nothing to help himself. The hurtful thing is - I didn't find out until 2 years in (from snooping). I'm not proud of the snooping but I am glad I found out. When I snooped, I found that he was also on an escort site, gentleman sites, all sorts of stuff. The thing that really irked me was that he didn't know if he would contact one of the escorts on the site.

    He was also struggling with depression, ADHD, anxiety, low self esteem, distraction, not being able to take care of basic things like take the garbage out. It turned into a codependent relationship and there was no joy left. He wasn't able to give anything to me - not even affection and sex anymore which were the things that were holding us together.

    I would say that, when I start dating again, if I notice that someone is closed off or has a hard time expressing emotions then this person is probably struggling with other things and I shouldn't take that on. I saw that with my ex and I thought that I could be a great source of comfort for him and that eventually he would come around. But most of the time he was shutting me out.

    I think in the end he was really just feeling so bad about himself and as much as I wanted to help, if I stayed I would have lost myself too. I gave it all I had for a long time, I really do wish things could have turned around.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
    need4realchg and Sir Minato like this.
  5. Liina

    Liina Fapstronaut

    121
    154
    43
    I would say, that you have at least learned to avoid certain red flags in your future boyfriend(s). As you mentioned it yourself too. I also believe that betrayal trauma teaches the betrayed partners to view the world differently. At first it can be worse, but as we heal from it, I hope our view will be better than before. I personally feel that I'm growing day by day, and becoming wiser and better person. If I didn't have the experiences I have now, I wouldn't be able to grow wiser this way.
     
    nice-girlfriend and need4realchg like this.
  6. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    I am so proud of you for identifying these specific things.

    I don’t know how many addicts you have met, but sex addicts are probably the HARDEST to help and the hardest to identify.

    I mean, alcoholics, narcotic addicts or drug addicts are all relatively easy to diagnose and recognize. But sex or porn addicts is an addiction where the stigma of getting help feels worse than the cure for getting help.

    As a result, many deny themselves the help they need. They have shame on top of shame on top of fear.

    I would guess, the “cut him loose” attitude will likely mean he can end up worse than he was while being with you. But none of what you describe is surprising.

    I even like the “cannot take the trash out “.

    That is because sex addiction attacks the brain. It rewrites the decision- frontal lobe pathways and re-directs them to the Limbic pathways.

    In an other addictive scenario a smoker doesn’t lose this ability to think and reason. He may hate the idea of quitting but he can reason that it makes sense. In a pmo laced addiction (your boyfriend had both sounds like PA and SA), the challenge is to consider him as a mildly handicapped.

    Lower the expectations. Many addicts don’t recognize they ARE even addicts until they cannot do basic functions.

    As far as him wanting to change , that’s not something you control. You need to establish healthy boundaries to ensure you stay on your side. Leaving is a healthy boundary, but you can do that without leaving too.

    Codependency. Ahh this one is classic and easy to understand too. Pmo hollows out their victims. Like an adder’s poison liquifies it’s prey from the inside.

    Watching other people have sex, or role playing like other people having sexual makes it hard to love. And live for oneself. You just substitute the actor for your own lifestyle choices. Eventually, you are hollow and unable to decide ANYTHING.

    I hate the codependent part of this especially. It’s so hard to undo.

    A partner to an addict is not ever (or should ever be) the solution for the addict. All that does is shift responsibility.

    I am sorry you didn’t get good feedback on how to deal with someone like this. Progress is not linear. Your expectations would have brought you all kinds of frustration I can see. For you, leaving probably makes you feel cold, but the boundary you set is good. If you wanted to help him, you did. If you still want to see him get better , and not be involved romantically , the irony is—-now you could easily.

    I am rooting for you. Addicts aren’t impossible to love —- we seemingly have people willing to love us all around but it’s hard to trust within the walls of shame and fear.

    I agree with Liina. Now is a good time to deal with your own trauma (if you have any) so that you don’t jeapordiZe your next one.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
    nice-girlfriend likes this.
  7. nice-girlfriend

    nice-girlfriend Fapstronaut

    8
    11
    3
    Thank you so much for your kind responses, it really helps in this sucky time and you guys are the only ones who really understand. I did know that by breaking up with him that I risked him getting worse - but tbh he was going down a hole even with me there. He was pushing me away even when I was being patient and not asking anything of him. I've made it clear that I left the door wide open for him to come to me if he needs anything. He doesn't want to talk to me right now... maybe for good, who knows. I went to our couples therapist one more time when we broke up and invited him to come but he refused go with me or to go on his own to see her one more time.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  8. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Just to clarify: even if he gets worse, it has nothing to do with you. He is an addict most likely long before you met.

    SO’s don’t usually hear this said this way: but addicts cannot love until they learn to stop using. The two things are opposites and exclusive. We SAY we love , but the evidence of an addiction indicates a contradiction. We are using our bodies’ dopamine generators to escape some kind of problem. We could be using our partners also to escape our feelings. Either way; it has NOTHING to do with the partner. Please understand this first so that you don’t get frustrated when you see you can not leverage your relationship to get him to change. His addiction is NOT about you— it’s about him.

    He can get help but he needs to draw circle around himself and start making very very small micro decisions. He won’t be able to make ANY major decisions depending on his gravity of despondency and addictive state. It’s like a slow ride to a vegetable state.

    I would say—- you love(d) him, and didn’t see why getting help was hard. But any addict resists because addictive belief systems are not based on logic, freedom and love. They are based on fear , suspicion and secrecy. Everything is a calculation and manipulative chess game.

    You were a piece in his game Board. He has to admit Lots of things before change is possible. To make it worse, You can not force him to change either—love does not work this way. Love shares truths and gives a choice, love does not hide the truth and force a certain path.

    Each must choose our path.

    A healthy boundary is a great step to restoring him.

    On the other side —- you DO need to worry about you. You aren’t a therapist so worrying about a guy who is in denial is not your job.

    I think compassion unfortunately can sometimes mean we unwisely erase necessary boundaries. Addicts need boundaries and that’s what I mean when I say he will probably get worse. You were a boundary for him. In other words didn’t pmo in the open. You don’t need to be his solution though. I’m just saying that because it’s likely how this would play out.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
  9. nice-girlfriend

    nice-girlfriend Fapstronaut

    8
    11
    3
    Thank you. Don't worry I didn't take it as you thinking I would to be to blame if he does get worse now. And you're right, an addict can't love, that's why I left. I knew he couldn't love and want me the way I deserved - as long as he had that going on. It's sad - I'm sad.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  10. nice-girlfriend

    nice-girlfriend Fapstronaut

    8
    11
    3
    Need4realchg, you've got me thinking... i'm trying to understand.

    Do PA's have the typical addictive personality traits like blaming others and being manipulative? One of the thing that drove me nuts about my ex is constant shifting of the blame. He even tried to blame his pmo on me by saying he never did it before the relationship - which is of course a big fat lie and I didn't fall for that crap.

    Also, do PA's know they have a problem even if they aren't called out on it?
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  11. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    This is a perfect line of questioning.

    Yes. The manipulation is very much Par for the course ...

    Sadly the most important first step to successful taking any remedy is to admit the problem for which you need the remedy....

    Getting “called out” doesn’t work with everyone. I don’t even know if it works on most.

    Men do not think like women in this regard—- we compartmentalize to the extreme when maintaining an addict lifestyle. It’s easier to deny anything provided we have a cover story.

    This is why isolation for men is healthy. The book “men are from Mars women are from Venus “ described the isolation men often do as “retreating to the cave.”

    Think of it as a hyperbaric chamber. Designed for one.

    A man needs to be able to relate. Trust. Share.

    Men don’t open up because they do not trust.

    Pain. Trauma. All contribute to this.

    You would need to ask:

    Who does my man trust ? Why?
    Who can he relate to? Why?
    Who does he share with? why?
     
    Lostneverland likes this.
  12. nice-girlfriend

    nice-girlfriend Fapstronaut

    8
    11
    3
    Oh thank you for the reply. As far as being called out, I think you might have misunderstood my question.
    Let me rephrase, do PA's know they have a problem? Like if you didn't have someone in your life who found out about this and was hurt by it, would you still know you have a problem?

    He did have a lot of pain. He did open up to me sometimes but it was extremely hard for him. Like I said, we were in couples therapy, and even in therapy it would take a lot to for the therapist to get him to open up. He is so used to distancing himself from his own feelings that most of the time not even he understands what is going on with him.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2019
    need4realchg likes this.
  13. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Ahh I see what you mean...

    Let’s analyze the addict brain for a second.

    They have emotions and moments of logic. But they don’t connect these items. They live in isolated moments not a continuous flow (like you might observe them.)

    If they have a problem they disconnect to deal with it. Over time the compartmentalizations have an effect on the brains ability to pass information from the right to the left hemisphere. That pathway becomes short circuited with orgasms which ping the limbic system.

    Now with a fragmented perception, we ask them to “connect all the experiences and failures with porn and sex to indicate the problem is porn.”

    However, the Problem now is they have to take emotional information (that they normally discard through coping with pmo) and hold it, then push it from one side of the brain and to the logical side. Attempting this back and forth process where the brain pathways have been unused can often create an error message.

    So in other words—- an addict will struggle in recognizing his reality. He may see he has problems (focus, pied, eating, grooming, working etc).

    He should be able to comprehend it technically but in order to believe it he needs to engage his frontal lobe and here is where porn wins. This part can be very damaged with a hypofrontal disengagement— so that his perception sensors are disincentivized to ever kill porn. Its far too powerful.

    Thus he struggles to be able to apply the principal to himself.

    Imagine phantom pain. A psychosomatic connection to a missing appendage brought on by the brain. This is similar to what pmo does. He no longer can switch hemispheres as easily as before. He cannot recognize that his “appendage” is gone. He is feeling pain that is not real.

    So when we expect the brain to catch up to reality we need to account for the trauma that it has suffered. In this case , the consequence of pmo creates a delay between reality and and addicts perception.

    We DO need to adjust our expectation. Just telling him to “quit” or trying to do the “homework for him” is not likely to work. This is a self- journey in the end.

    It helps to break this down into small steps first.
     
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2019
  14. nice-girlfriend

    nice-girlfriend Fapstronaut

    8
    11
    3
    Thanks, yeah, that is exactly what I have experienced with him. It is so difficult to be in a relationship with someone who is disconnected. I am not pushing anything on him, as of now, bc we're broken up and he doesn't want to talk. But it is nice to get some understanding of the whole situation. When I found all the stuff on his computer, I knew it was bad, like I felt it in my gut that something was off, but I am only starting to really understand the psychology behind it now.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  15. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Yeah — I have found only one female poster here who gets it. She shares how she beat her own addictions and a huge part of it is routine.
     
    nice-girlfriend likes this.

Share This Page