It’s almost a curse to care.

I used to be carefree and easy going, finding enjoyment when I could. Talking as myself of at least who I was at the time. People seemed to like me, yet there were little hints I couldn’t see at the time. Easy to be around, but nothing made it so you wanted to stay. When I spoke, you couldn’t see the spark in my eyes. Even if I laughed and joked around, the joy was not there as it is today.

My fear came to light when I saw that I didn’t care because I was afraid to do so. It wasn’t because I was a peaceful person who meditated on my issues. I refused to expand myself and open up, I refused to care. It’s only when you see the reasons to care, you will take the pain that comes along with it. Just wanting to have a good time isn’t the way to approach a meaningful life. Doing things just because you want to, that doesn’t build you up. My roots didn’t even touch the soil, I could be pushed and pulled in any direction.

Here I sit now with a world opened up, I feel it all on a daily basis. I am attached to life, burrowing into the earth and creating a place for myself in it. To be careless is a much easier existence. Those moments of solitude, looking at myself in the mirror. I just began to ask myself questions. Forcing myself to imagine the life I would love to live. Then seeing it crushed, ripped away from me, at the end I felt it come into reality. Tears rolled down my cheek as my fists clenched tight. I would now rather fight for the life I want then to give up on it and take the scraps.

My brothers this is what I’ve found having it both ways. Here I sit now, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. This is my life and I choose to open myself up even more. I choose to bare the pain to cherish the beauty. I would walk through a bed of thorns, just to feel her heartbeat on the other side. Even so I admit to you that even with this clear view. I’m always attacked from the inside, poked and pinned, so many scars the world cannot see. I’m proud to say that I care about life, I care about those I extend my love to. I’m grateful for every tear, for every ounce of warmth I’ve felt in this body. Life is beautiful even if at times it’s so very ugly and cruel. Thank you