Is this a relapse?

Or should i say setback. Remember, if you go and reboot for a long amount of time, and MO. you will not be set back at zero. So it will be a lot easier to come back to where you were, never binge.
This is of course if P is out of the equation.
P is not in my equation.

So, it wasnt really MO per se.
I was extremely horny, so i admit, i was kinda stimulating it, but very mildly, i barely felt anything. I didnt not jack off and i didnt even touch it with my hands. Kinda like very mild stimulations when it presses my boxers.
This was early in the morning, i woke up in the middle of the night and i was doing this.
But, this isnt my worry, because thats obviously nothing to worry about, just a big slap back to reality and a reminder. But i ejaculated.

I was on my belly, i wasnt prone masterbating per se, because i never went to the extreme of humping the bed, or pressing it against the matress. I had a slight boner.
BTW, this happened, saturday morning.

My face was in the pillow, one of my arms was next to my head, and i was like dozed off, i do NOT remember if i stimulated it then ejaculated, or if i was just dozing off, then all of a sudden i just felt the feeling. But i am sure it was that i pressed it, then ejaculated.
When i felt it then started ejaculating, i was thinking if i was dreaming or if i was asleep hoping that was the truth. It wasnt. I was awake the whole time, i felt feverish and full of guilt the second i realized.

The ejaculation tho.. when it finished i wondered if it was actually a dry one, because it was so mild and shitty, its ridiculous. All i felt was some contractions under my balls, without pleasure, just some mild muscle contractions. You know the second before i ejaculated? Suppose to be pleasure? Nope, nothing. Just felt my "muscles" revving up. So im guessing i didnt have an orgasm? Weird as shit, even when i have a normal wet dream, i feel more.

I am obviously extremely sensitive. I got close to ejaculation on many occasions by just being very horny with a boner. Thats right, i am able to ejaculate without
touching it.

Now, comtrary to popular belief, any kind of ejaculation, is no different from a wet dream. Thats right. I said it.
If you masturbate, for 5 minutes, then ejaculate, you have pleasure, you enjoyed it, it felt good. Doing this, fucks your brain up therefore giving you side effects.
Its the psychological part of ejaculating. When you have a wet dream, its not on purpose, you are not "into" it, you dont have that drive of lust and rationality and conciousness and that love for the pleasure to enjoy, and practice it, you arent putting your mind into it.. it just happens.
Imagine you sit with zero libido, zero horniness, and you just ejaculate. Big difference. Thats just as damaging as a wet dream:
After a day/after a nights sleep, its like nothing happened.


This 1 year+ long reboot wasnt just a reboot to me. A lot of things happened which puts what happened during the reboot, very nostalgic. I remember exactly a year ago just that feeling a few weeks into the reboot, the humbleness, and during the summer vacation, discovering what i want to do in life and my interests which are very close to me, etc.. and having it tied to this reboot. You know, i like Tigers, like a lot. And i liked this tiger at the zoo, and i used to go very frequently. I started at the end of may, 2017 (during reboot). And i went constantly but of course it had to end (what else?), they took the tiger away, beginning of december,
2017. And i want my passion to be animals. And a lot
more happened, i thought id never relapse or anything. Everytime i wanted to MO, id just think about the reboot, and instantly, i magically make my libido disappear. I even remembering crying a few times because a few times i got really close and i got really damn scared.

This happened saturday morning, all day it felt like a normal wet dream, just abnormally tired. Of course a bit different, because of the extreme guilt, and not being sure if i really did ejaculate or not, or wtf happened.

Today, i slept really late since i wasnt able to sleep at night, and i literally dreamed of thinking about the reboot. Im not sure if the ejaculation really effected me, i could definitely have a nocebo effect (Same thing as placebo effect, except it effects you negatively), i was definitely bummed out, really guilty, could be psychological, and mental illness. I play CSGO (video game) my skill level became shit in just a day (since saturday) i was very depressed, angry, and bored during, since today i was thinking of the reboot a lot. It really got to me, and i am very depressed and guilty, i dont think its ever been so bad. I was just fine during the reboot!!!! Why couldnt it just continue?

Its so weird, because usually when i relapse from a reboot, i would be effected so much worse. Well, i didnt really MO.
Honestly. I didnt even pleasure myself, i didnt enjoy it, i didnt want it, a accidental non-orgasmic contractions releasing gamete cells which werent rewarding to my brain, nor even did a serious effect to my brain afterwards. FUCK. And im prob schizophrenic, so idk how im going to handle this.

But, if this really counts as a reset, im definitely not day zero. Think it of as this (im not creative), imagine a small house, or hut. It gets built to a final state, fully built, over time if it already isnt. This final state, is a nonaddicted/recovered MO addict. When you MO, you throw a grenade into the house. The house is not complete destroyed, just a bit of damage, but its still up, just a whole in the side. You arent "day zero". If you binge, you throw several grenades, leading to a total destruction, a unrecognizable heap of wood and ash. This is a MO addict with full nasty symptoms of MO, and full hard-to-break habit, and addiction. My house is still up, and plus i didnt even MO per se, so a even smaller, less damaging grenade thrown in. I didnt even have pleasure or enjoyed it, so a hammer was thrown into a small window?

What do you think? Well, tomorrow in the morning, when i wake up/before 12:00 pm, i will officially start a "mini recovery" or something similar to that. Ill write the date, time etc on a peice of paper for remembrance. It shouldnt take anymore than a month to get back, maybe 2 if im unlucky. But, a month, month and a half, im good. Easy recovery, board up the side of the house from the minor damage.