Is it Okay to Fantasize?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Nigel20172017, Feb 25, 2017.

  1. Nigel20172017

    Nigel20172017 Fapstronaut

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    Hey there, i am in contact with a female about meeting up for a date and I have found myself fantasizing about her in an erotic way (but not degrading!!!).

    I'm about 3 weeks in on NoFap and i'm careful not to edge when I get these thoughts about her, but I was wondering is it best to fight these thoughts. Is the point of NoFap to change your view of the world?

    I'm curious how others respond to sexual thoughts on NoFap.

    Cheers,

    Nigel
     
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  2. Mankrik

    Mankrik Fapstronaut

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    I dont believe such thoughts to be unhealthy or bad. Its completely natural and not something you necesarily need to resist. However there is definitely something to be said about purging your mind of all sexual thoughts for a time and focusing on nothing more than an emotional conncetion with someone. I have personally found abstaining from sexual thought completely to be enlightening, but not something you need to do permanently; just an interesting new perspective.
     
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  3. Icyweb

    Icyweb Fapstronaut

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    For me, NoFap is about eliminating lust from my life. That includes PMO, looking at women to achieve any degree of arousal, and fantasies. The way I see it, these are all abuses of sexuality that focus on what you can get out of it, whereas healthy sexuality is focused on union and commitment.

    On another note, do you think she is okay with you fantasizing about her? Since she's the object of the thoughts, I think that she should have a say in the matter, in the same way that she should have a say in whether or not you see her undressed. Even then, I don't believe it would be right, but that is a controversial issue on these boards.
     
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  4. Nigel20172017

    Nigel20172017 Fapstronaut

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    If you put it that way i'm not sure. I could ask her, but it's probably not the best topic to bring up on our date; i'd have to ask her further down the line. I do get your point though. The way i look at women has changed considerably since NoFap so it wouldn't be too much of a jump to remove fantasizing too.
     
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  5. LoyalKnight

    LoyalKnight Fapstronaut

    I would classify fantasizing about sex as really dangerous, since (you may be not aware of it) you force your brain to re-activate the old structure of PMOing. I would limit the dreams about your female to *non-sexual* ones, these I would consider as healthy.

    Good luck and keep us updated!
     
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  6. Nigel20172017

    Nigel20172017 Fapstronaut

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    Cheers, i'll try fantasising about going clothes shopping with her or maybe even sharing a doughnut.

    Thanks for all your feedback and advice :)
     
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  7. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

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  8. I Free I

    I Free I Guest

    No Fantasies = No Problems

    Experiment with this for now and see how you feel as the days go by ...
    Do research on dopamine .
     
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  9. Physicist

    Physicist Fapstronaut

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    Let her fantasize about you.

    You stay on your mission.
     
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  10. Have you sorted a date yet?
     
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  11. CantFail

    CantFail Fapstronaut

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    It seems that people are going to go either way on this. Some people think fantasizing is wrong to do not only during your reboot but even after that. I don't agree with that. I think it's perfectly normal as long as your not fantasizing of doing things with her that you would see in a porno. You said it is not in a degrading way so that's good. I remember fantasizing about girls when I was young and before I even knew anything about PMO, so how can that not be a natural thing?

    I don't think that it's a smart thing to do when you are trying to reboot, all fantasizing will do is work you up and make you more susceptible to relapsing. I think you should try not to fantasize at all during your reboot to make it easier on yourself, just my opinion. After you are done with your reboot see how your brain responds to fantasizing or if your fantasies about the women you meet are even the same as they were before you completed your reboot.

    Whether she would care if you were fantasizing about her is irrelevant. Maybe she wants you to fantasize, maybe not. I think THE reason not to fantasize about her is because you may start to put her on a pedestal, almost make her unreachable. Or build up your first sexual encounter with her in your head so much that you end up blowing it with her before you get anywhere. The fantasies will make you hyper focused on her and if she picks up on that when you see her that can be a giant turn off and ruin everything. Play it cool, try not to think too much about her.
     
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  12. Icyweb

    Icyweb Fapstronaut

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    I following may sound argumentative, but that isn't the tone I'm writing it in. Just sharing some thoughts and asking a question.
    I used to fantasize about girls too. I'd also eyegrope them while they weren't looking. I also remember giving a kid a wedgie. My point being that just because it occurs naturally, doesn't mean that it's good or acceptable.

    Would you say the same thing to looking in her windows while she's changing, or installing secret cameras in her home? I know it's a little bit different, since one is physical and obviously creepy, and the other is all in a person's head, but the intimate and sexual attention is still on her and her body.
    Again, not looking for an argument. I'm just in a time crunch, and can't put the words in the tone I mean them in.
     
  13. Red Eagle

    Red Eagle Fapstronaut

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    Fantasizing is totally ok. You need to be in touch with your own sexuality and not be ashamed of it. As long as porn doesn't have an influence on your fantasies, I'd say go for it. Don't listen to people who tell you it's something bad. Porn is, and that is what we're trying to eliminate from our life and not cut ourselves off from our sexual desires completely.

    What he fantasizes about is of no concern to the girl. His mind is his own and doesn't need her affirmation.
     
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  14. Icyweb

    Icyweb Fapstronaut

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    Couldn't agree more. If you want to fantasize about watermelons, legos, muscle cars, or whatever else, I might think that's weird and unhealthy, but my affirmation, or that of anyone else, is irrelevant. Who you fantasize about, on the other hand, is the concern of the person involved in the fantasy. If it's not really about the person, then their would be no reason to fantasize about her specifically.
     
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  15. CantFail

    CantFail Fapstronaut

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    I think for the purposes of our goals with nofap we can agree fantasizing is detrimental to the cause. It can't possibly be of any help to get through your reboot process, it really only increases your chances of relapse.

    I guess we can agree to disagree on fantasizing being acceptable or good. I say it's ok outside of the reboot process and you say it's not. It's really a matter of opinion.

    I think we are on 2 different planets when it comes to your other point though. Comparing fantasizing to being a peeping Tom or someone who would break into someone's home to invade their privacy.... I don't get that comprison at all. Yes in both instances you may be focused on her body but those two things are not comparable in my opinion.

    I was merely trying to give Nigel a better reason not to fantasize about her. For me if someone told me I shouldn't fantasize about a woman I am dating because I don't have her permission to do so I'd blow that reason off. They're my thoughts, and if a woman gets mad at me because I had a fantasy about her then that's probably someone I should stay away from lol. I think a better reason is that if you do it too much you may come off as desperate to her and ruin everything. Just a different spin on the same end message. Stay away from fantasizing during the reboot. If either reason helps Nigel that's all that matters.

    Good luck on your reboot journey Icyweb!
     
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  16. Icyweb

    Icyweb Fapstronaut

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    Agreeing to disagree is just about the only thing I'm good at agreeing about ;) . I'll still contend that it's an objective matter, in which our opinions differ, though. Also, a better analogy than my peeping Tom one might be looking down a girl's shirt when she bends over. Best of luck to you too!
     
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  17. Nigel20172017

    Nigel20172017 Fapstronaut

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    I sorted a date for this sat so hopefully it'll go well. I'll post an a post date verdict on here :)
     
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  18. Nigel20172017

    Nigel20172017 Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone, i cancelled my date tomorrow because I PMOed last night and feel ashamed of myself so not really in the right frame of mind to romance a female.

    I feel I PMOed because the female I arranged to go out with wasn't responding to my messages on what's app the way I would have liked. She took forever to reply and wasn't playful in her replies. I'd met her for 3 minutes at a speed dating event and things went okay but I had a bit of a worry through arranging another date that we were too different.

    It wasn't her fault that I PMOed though. In fact for dating in general I need to rethink messaging females because I arrange dates then get myself wound up with messaging. I think I should concentrate on NoFap befoe arranging another date as my addiction is more severe than I thought. I want to beat it though, back to square one. I'll aim for a month and take it from there. Take each day at a time too.

    Thanks for all your comments on here and advice )
     
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