Inventory of My Destructive Behavior

This post may contain graphic triggering language.

This went really well this weekend. I spent plenty of time with my wife - a great reminder of why I am trying to put aside this destructive behavior. There was little incentive and no opportunity to engage in the behavior.

Last week I focused on why I wanted to change. I have been trying to remember the summary I came up with:

I want to be:
The man my wife thinks I am,
The man I could be,
The man God wants me to be.

Future steps include outlining the behavior that needs to change and setting goals. I think the next step is to put down the behavior that needs to stop. This will be embarrassing. When I think about it, these things appall me. I don't know how I got here. Who is this person? I am amazed by the duality of it. I am a regular person - upright. But then I do these bad things. It is straight out of Robert Louis Stevenson's Jekyll and Hyde.

My destructive behavior does not stem from classic porn. Instead, it is rooted in chat rooms. I visit chat rooms, find a person with a similar appetite, engage in chat, sometimes share some pictures, and masturbate. I usually edge, prolonging the pleasure, sometimes for up to and over 2 hours. It is hottest when a "connection" is made with the other person. Of course, this isn't a real connection, but just a casual share interest in getting off to a particular topic. The allure of the chat room is strong for me. Initially, casually chatting and then giving in to the pleasure. These are the topics I most often masturbate over.

For the past 18 months or so, I have used my wife as chat room discussion. I discuss how she looks, how we have sex, what turns her on - very personal and intimate details. For some reason, this is a huge turn. Even more so, hearing what the other guy thinks. Lately, I have escalated to sharing her pictures - just regular pictures. This gets me extremely hard showing her pictures and sharing these details about how we fuck, and what gets her wet. I especially, have gotten pleasure from hearing what the other man wants to do with and to my wife. I know this is a huge betrayal of my wife, but that doesn't sway me in the heat of masturbating. I loath myself for this conduct, and regret it so much after. I don't know how I have sunk t this depth.

I have engaged in chat about girls 13 to 18. It goes without saying that this is wrong. Again, I don't know how I got here. The conversation doesn't get too graphic, but that is no excuse. I will leave this alone in this journal.

When I get very turned on, after chatting for a while, I get turned on by large powerful cocks. The superiority of men with large cocks takes me over. I am straight, and only have these thoughts in chat rooms. Sometimes the chat degenerates into acts of gratifying other guys.

At times, I have masturbated on camera for other to watch and comment on. The thrill here is overpowering - hearing what other think of my cock. This is so debasing.

All this behavior is reprehensible. It needs to stop. It is having devastating effects on my intimacy with my wife. Lately, I initially get hard with her, but then so soft. All this chat, and porn, and fantasizing and masturbating has made sex with my wife seem boring. I stay hard in the chat rooms for hours, by contrast. So this becomes a spiral.

Rereading this, I am truly embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I will reread this often to remind myself of the depth and repercussions. Preparing this inventory was very helpful - self awareness is a step to recovery.