Intrusive thoughts

Messed up the best stream I've done in a year. 18 days almost 19. But I'm ready to start again, but the thing is I kept masturbating because of intrusive thoughts after I messed up, and then on my last fap I've done so far I had ideas popping in my head saying it was selfish of me to fap when I knew there would be probaboy be some form of intrusive thoughts even if I can ignore them I'm still risking the thoughts popping in my head. I know it's It's not true, as I don't enjoy or want the thoughts and I'm just doing it for the pleasure of course, I also tried my best to ignore them. But there's this thing in my head telling me I'm being selfish and I should've just not fapped in the first place and don't fap because people's faces will pop in your head if you do. Just need some reassurance from someone to get rid of this guilt. I've pointed out to myself multiple times that it's not selfish and quite the opposite as I tried my best to keep the thoughts out my head and I never wanted them there, I should still be able to fap.

 

Argh but the fact I'm feeling guilt makes me feel like it is bad either way. Because surely if ti's good I should have no feeling of guilt?