Introduction

Hello everyone,

Single male 41, PMO addict here

I'm taking my first steps for a long long time to do something about my personal problems and growth. More about this later, first a little background.

I started PMO when I was about 11-12 years old. Introduced by a nephew few years older. These were self written storys made by him on a PC. Later came the magazines, first from my father, later buying them myself and videos the same. Around age 19 internet was introduced, then mostly images, videos max 30 seconds. I din't look at regular porn, mostly fetish stuff. I then knew i wasn't alone with this kink. I spend many hours and many days searching this stuff. From then to today the range of porn watched got progressively hard en weirder. Things I then found disgusting (and far far beyond) are now normal. Also some professional ladies during the years.

I've had GF for 2 years and one for a few weeks. Both in my 20's. Other than that only one platonic relation for about 10 years.

About three years ago i noticed i didn't get real hard anymore and looked up possible problems. This is when i found out about problems with porn. I also found a possible cure with vitamins. I used that and got a little better. Cut back the O en did more edging. Sometimes a few days between O and sometimes few weeks (3max). The impact of porn on my life was lost or simply ignored.

During the last year I had a very busy period with working every day en also long days (100+ hours / week). During this time I had maybe 1/2 hour a day for myself a day with not much sleep. I was exhausted and cut back the working hours maybe 3 mounts ago. Instead of doing something useful i started binge watch series and M / edging. No O for about 2-3 weeks. So my PIED returned and got real bad (not hard at all) and didn't keep me from stopping.
Together with this I was on a mental breakdown. I couldn't think about normal stuff and had negative thoughts toward life. One time I O 2x within 12 hours and it completely depleted me of any motivation for anything including life itself. This lasted for a day. Other days were general depressing.

During these last few week I also came tot realization that my life is no life at all and I don't even know what I want from my life. When comparing myself with others my age i have a gap of ca. 20 years to make up. I lived from task to task, from event to event, from day tot day, never thinking about the direction or goals. Never stopped to look at myself or give emotions / feelings a chance to develop. Overcoming life problems mostly with ignoring or just plainly walking away from them.

I believe PMO is the tip of the iceberg and if we can get rid of it we can start working on whats under the surface.

 

Hello DJ and Marcel, thank you for the kind words, every bit helps.
I will start to write my journey, i hope it will keep the motivation high and provide some meaningful insights.
Have an nice day.