Hello... It feels like I'm fighting something terrible. And I feel that the source is a void I barely even understand. In highschool we were taught about addiction and how it can ruin all of our lives with a single misstep. We were taught to deny some of the most tempting culprits by being smart. I remember being shown videos of people talking about how bad it was and thinking that they were just stupid. My parents always told me I was a smart kid. That I knew better than to fuck with anything that might eventually ruin me. So seeing those other people fall victim to something I was smart enough to avoid gave me a false confidence. I had no idea that addiction could take whatever form it needed to strangle you. I'm 23 and I have been addicted to porn and masturbation for nine years. It got bad once I moved out of my parents place at the age of 19. Looking back I think it's one of the reason's my life has been shit so far. I have a battery of mental illnesses I have to actively fight as well. I feel like I have no one to talk to. My shame keeps me from confessing my addiction. Maybe I rationalize it by thinking that people don't see these things as actual addictions. And even if I did share it's a battle that only I can win. So I better just put on the "tough man" act and go it alone. To my surprise, I've made it 43 days now. I've relapsed two or three times before that. But making it this far has taken it's toll. Depression runs rampant through my mind, striking multiple times in a single day, weakening me. What I suspect to be a combination of Bi-polar and Flatline symptoms drives me to treat people I love and respect like they mean nothing to me. Then I'll turn around the next day and break down weeping when I realize how I treated them. There are days that I feel like I'm breaking up inside. There has been good: Soon I'm gong to start a new higher paying job because of my new confidence and interview skills. I'm in the best shape of my life. I've started training for a series of 5k and 10k races with an ultimate goal of running a marathon. And (when my other issues take a day off) the ladies can't get enough of me. I can feel eyes on me where ever I go now and co-workers are going out of their way to say hello and make small talk with me. There has been good with the bad. So I know that it is ultimately worth doing. But I just can't get my head around the pain of the void. That dull longing to fill myself with whatever can make me feel complete. I don't know what to do. I know, I KNOW that I can't go back. But the pain hurts so much. And I keep distancing the people that can help me. I just want it to stop. I don't think I could force myself any further if I didn't know that it stops. Everything I've learned about addiction is that you can never stop fighting it. You will never stop being an addict. I really hope that isn't true. I'm sorry. I had to get that mess out of my head and post it some where. Like I said, I don't have anyone I can reach out to so this is my only real avenue. Today was particularly bad and I don't think I can get away with just lurking here anymore. At times, this website and it's posters has been the only safe place I can retreat to. It means the world to me and I don't know how to thank you all.
43 days is honestly... amazing. I have yet to make it past 5 days and I've been trying for almost a year. This is really incredible man. The fact of the matter is that you're facing a lot of serious problems and yet you're still able to get up every day and fight this addiction. And now you've worked up the courage to post here. My advice to you is this - don't let yourself believe that relapse will help you solve your other problems. It will only provide a temporary illusion of happiness. Don't even think of it as an "escape" - it's not an escape! It's the opposite - it's like slowly taking a step backwards into a cage you've fought hard to free yourself of. Fill the void - find a good TV show to watch, a friend to spend some time with, a hobby to pursue. Take a nap - naps have worked wonders for me! And most importantly, go see a doctor if you believe you have some kind of serious mental disorder like Bi-Polar! I have a friend who's Bi-Polar and her doctor and medication have helped her make huge leaps in progress towards a happier life. While it's true that you seem to have a lot of problems now, I'll bet good money that you already had many of them before you started NoFap - if anything you've solved some of your problems by persisting! Keep fighting the good fight. I'm rooting for you man.
43 days that is stupendous! Man. YOU CAN DO THIS. Have faith dude. Glad to know you are making progress and we would like to be more glad by listening that you finally did it. Good luck.
