Innate fetish, help (or be inspired)

I am now about a week away from 90 days on Nofap and I really wanted to here what you think. The post might be a little long, but even if you can´t help, I think it will be very motivational for you.

Short version:

I´ve had weird sexual (innate) fetishes for a lot of years which I have masturbated to. Over the years I have had bad experiences with ED and I think my fetishes and my lack of interest in vanilla sex are the main causes. Therefore I am still a virgin. I am 23 years old.

Explained version:

1 – my sexual fetishes: Had a humiliation fetish (girls being tied up, getting wedgied, stripped etc.) since I was 10ish years old.

From I was 12 to 16 I often gave my female cousin wedgies or pulled her pants down.
I barely knew what masturbation was until I was 15, so that´s when I started. Mostly I masturbated to wedgies, sometimes other stuff like girls getting stripped/pantsed by their friends. These are the things I have always masturbated to.

2 – my “relationship” with vanilla sex:

It wasn´t until I was 14-15 years old that I knew wedgies and girls being stripped were fetishes. Before then I thought they were just my own excuse to see a girl´s underwear/body (seemed more like a practical joke than abuse).
When I was 11-12 years old I saw my friend´s mother in a thong (it was normal for her to walk around their house like that). I was amazed. Didn´t think of humiliating her in any way. Just loved the view. At the time I thought that sex was a bad and perverse thing though, so I wouldn´t admit it to myself. A few months later, I was fine with it. I liked looking at girls´ boobs and asses.
On the other hand, I didn’t learn much from sex class and I didn´t do any research myself. That´s why I didn´t know how to masturbate before I was 15.
And I didn´t watch porn.

Since then I´ve had a couple of different sexual experiences. The things that have repeated themselves are:
A: I have never been able to get an erection with a girl I was kissing/touching while we were standing or sitting up.
B: When I have been lying down with a girl, erections came much easier. But I have never been turned on by a girl kissing my body, me kissing a girl´s body, or a vagina in general. None of those three turn me on, even though I like them.
C: It has mostly been when we were lying close to eachother, so even if my instincts told me to do certain things with her, my penis just wouldn´t follow through after a while.
D: I tried porn once in a while to see if I could be turned on by vanilla sex. Couldn´t. It should be mentioned that the first time I tried this, I had only masturbated for a few days/weeks, so it is not like other people in here, who have masturbated too much to one thing and can´t get an erection to anything else.
E: Everytime I tried vanilla sex, my penis would fall down either during foreplay or right as I was putting my condom on.


3 – My general psychological and physical condition:

All of my life I have never lived the way that I wanted.
Not much confidence.
Not much will power.
Not many friends.
No girlfriends (Except one ((semi)), whom I was only with because I was exrtremely desperate. Not worth it).
Didn´t accomplish my (many) goals.
Didn´t do much sport.
Started smoking cigarettes when 17.
Had a semi-weed addiction from 20-21 years old.
Generally I have never been happy and have not been very proud of myself. People treated me like shit sometimes and I let them get away with it. I´ve always felt that if I gained enough confidence and will power I would very very quickly turn into a very different person. The person that I have been, has always felt like a fake.



Anyway.

4- The last 1-2 years (including nofap)

A year ago I moved to a new town to start on a new education. It was good to get sort of a fresh start.
I have worked a lot on my psyche and will power since. But life still needs tons of improvement, but I am much better now. I very quickly got out of my weed addiction.

Sexually, something that happened very out of nowhere, was that I started to find wedgies and other stuff extremely childish and stupid. I started imagining “What if I had given a girl from my class a wedgie? In what scenario wouldn´t I find that extremely weird myself?”. The fantasies started to become more stupid and it felt like I was sexually maturing a bit. Little by little I saw my fantasies turn from childish humiliation to more adult humiliation (think BDSM). This has happened slowly though.

Which leads me to this story:
Once 1-2 years ago I was doing to pretty relaxing meditation. One night while doing it, I suddenly started imagining me and a hot woman having an intimate relationship that would slowly turn sexual. I actually had a boner during this. Was very surprised.

2 times last year when I had left home for a couple of days to relax in nature, I had another two sexual fantasies where I would also get a boner.

These three situations were incredible and none of them were about childish humiliation nor grown up humiliation, they were actually about intimacy and vanilla sex. They were incredible because it was like I found a part of myself that had been buried/hitten. And because I had been doing these relaxing things (nature, meditaion) I came into contact with that part.

Now I will talk about my experience with Nofap.
Two months ago I had gotten so sick of masturbating. I did it twice a day, so I was as addicted as many on this forum but it still sucked. I could no longer truly get turned on by anything. Wedgies had gotten boring and I wasn´t nearly relaxed enough to even try fantasizing about vanilla sex (and generally when I did, it didn´t work. Those times were seldom).
In the end of October I was masturbating one day and I just couldn´t keep it up no matter how hard I tried. I had read about Nofap the last couple of weeks before and I said “fuck it” and started Nofap, soft mode.

During the first week, I extremely quickly started getting so many erections from very vanilla-ish thoughts. It was crazy. Sometimes I had to fantasize a little bit about me humiliating a woman, but in general it was vanilla thoughts.
The erections have though been more and more rare while fantasizing about vanilla stuff, but ALSO when fantasizing about childish humiliation which doesn´t turn me that much on either anymore.
This reminds me, I have had both dominating dreams (holding a girl down, spanking her grinding my dick up and down her butt) and ALSO even vanilla dreams. Some of them extremely hot. The dreams are way better than anything I have tried in real life. Something that has at this point been the same every time though, has been that I would always wake up because I cum inside of the woman of even more often, I don´t get inside her at all before I wake up. It really feels like this isn´t coincidence, that my brain actually doesn´t believe I can.



I have been writing a lot here and maybe it seems like I have already had everything figured out, but I haven´t. I would really like some feedback to this because on one hand I do see a lot of potential. On the other hand there clearly are also things that have been holding me back for 5-10 years that have contributed to me never having had sex.
So if you have time, it would be great to hear your opinion on all of this. The motivation and help will be used well..