I'm trying to quit with Porn

My story is long, boring and complex for me. Probably just boring for others since there's nothing interesting in it: i've always had relationship problems with people, i'm shy and i suffer a lot losing people, i live my life as a cold friend, a cold son and a cold brother because i'm scared of giving myself with people; by so, i never had a real relationship until i was 21, when i met a girl with i developed a relation started by her initiative. She was really beautiful (i always thought of not deserving her since i'm a lot insecure of myself) and i discovered sex with her, really hot and passionate sex, and even with this i still remained insecure of myself and of mine sexual performance and dimensions. With time she rediscovered herself in need of maturing as a Christian and we tried chastity together (and i truly respected that) but, not being Christian i went to porn compulsively to satisfy myself. We stayed 3 years + other 3 years in Chastity together and we separate ourself after the last years of a relationship that were lacking pure passion and love for each other. Now I'm 28, one year and a half passed since we separate each other, i feel incredibly guilty of myself for losing her in part because of mine incapacity of living with our Chastity and, while i suffered depression for the separation, even if i understood that we weren't for various reasons meant to be together whole life, i feel myself lacking her since i can't cope with my exterior and with my insecurities with sex and for this i've spent my time masturbating with porn compulsively to give me some kind of empty satisfaction.

I just want to not feel myself in need of an orgasm or a woman just because i want to fuck her but to live my life free of this weight and being able in the future to rediscover my feelings.

I'm trying to improve myself as a man, and solve my depression, my problems with studies and my problems with my unemployment in my country (i live in an italian island and i had to run abroad in Greece to find a job) but those are other problems that make myself as a man. I wanted to talk here mostly of my sexual insecurities and i think (while i don't think masturbation is itself a bad thing) living my sex live watching porn is making my life worse.

Thanks for reading, my English is not very good when i'm on the brink of crying for my situation. Can't really think clearly this week.

 

I just need to think how mich i miss my ex and how i feel bad for screwing up our relation together not giving her my attentions because i was finding satisfaction with porn