Im a SO

I may not be the right person to answer all your questions because I am in 20s, single (never been in relationship because I am from conservative family) however I can answer your questions as a PA.

I first started reading self-help books/articles on Internet since 2014 onwards. Slowly by the end of 2015, I heard of nofap but never taken it seriously. I am an agnostic person, hence, I never viewed masturbation as bad but only felt that it was a big stress reliever.

As the time went by, my porn habit has started to become bit more extreme. Like every teenage boy, I started with hot women wearing hot dresses, slowly transitioned to nude models, slowly to porn and slowly I started watching normal Porn videos. Later, I started watching more and more hardcore stuff.

Without realizing, I became an addict. Everyday I had to masturbate. It became a compulsion. Even articles on Internet say masturbation is good thing as long as it doesn't cause damage to life. Being a single guy, I really didn't have any major problems.

Once, I decided to try nofap because why the heck not, right? There's nothing wrong in trying. Self-help books I read over past few years really changed my mindset and allowed me to change my habits, try new things etc.

So, I tried nofap for couple of days and went back to my PA. It was amazingly challenging to abstain from it.

Being a single guy, I never understood why married people watched Porn when they can get laid. I later realized that porn gives you variety and novelty. There is something called coolidge effect. In lay man terms, it means everytime men look at new woman, they get more excited and it creates more impact on brain. Porn exactly does that. You can literally find any type of pornstar you want - Tall, short, brunnette, blonde......etc.

Bored of watching a pornstar? switch to new pornstar and watch those videos. Excitement raises again. Tired of watching normal porn videos? Watch a threesome......bored of threesome? watch an orgy.......bored of it? watch a gangbang........Porn offered endless novelty which real life never offers.

I slowly realized that not every girl is going to be like [insert name of pornstar] just like how not every man is going to be like brad pitt. As I was never in a relationship, so many wrong things were fed into my mind by porn mainly - unrealistic expectations on looks of women, objectification of women, unrealistic view of sex, wrong mindset on relationships from sexual point of view etc.

Then, I read many stories of men who successfully got into nofap and successfully got into very healthy relationships with women. They also reported that their life has improved a lot ever since nofap.

After reading many things about porn, I started taking nofap serious in 2016. I got a gimpse of what PA made me as a person. Whenever I looked at women, I would look at them like sexual objects as explained above.

After reading many success stories of nofap and also with my own little experience, I can say that I don't whether science supports nofap or not BUT definitely I have seen proven results in my own life.

Just like others, I saw many benefits of nofap. As a single guy, I experience many benefits as an individual. I got more energy, I started loving small things in life again, I always feel refreshed, I require less sleep, I am exercising every day, I started caring about myself a lot more, I am socializing more, my face glows because of better mental and emotional state etc. I no longer view women in wrong way but as fellow human beings.

 

PA is different for everyone. In my case I started with P as a form of exploration. I never got a sex or masturbation talk, so I had to figure out everything on my own. The first time I did it it felt amazing. The next day I fapped again. After a week I started fapping twice a day. I ended up fapping 3+ times a day for years before I found nofap. I new I had a problem when I couldn't find real life women attractive anymore. I couldn't stand having no fucking energy to do anything.

 

I'm married and a PA. For me, I would maybe watch from time to time not realizing that I was using it as an escape in the same way people might drink or do drugs. Eventually, it became a compulsion and it was like I truly couldn't control my mind or body. When I have been triggered to PMO, especially in recent years, I just start and can not stop. Even while I'm watching, I'm telling myself "please stop please stop please help" but I just can't stop. It's the same way when I start. I tell myself not to do it, but it's like my mind is disconnected from my actions in some way. The feeling that takes over can be too strong. A lot of it is compulsion, I think part of it is numbing some mental pain i feel, and a lot of it is just turning yourself numb - almost like being in a trance. Then when you find something you really like, the mental high can be strong.

I think a lot of us here came across P when we were young and it just slowly or eventually took over our lives. I was like your husband in thinking that once I was in a steady relationship that I wouldn't watch it but I was also wrong. I actually didn't use it for a while around the time we met and after, but eventually it started creeping back in. I also think having certain fetishes can make it worse. Like, I've never been addicted or really interested in watching the P you discussed where women were mean used for mans pleasures. Regular sex scenes have never interested me at all. instead I have mainly watched Les type content that is filmed to look loving and natural sometimes even filmed by women, or femdom content where the women are the ones in charge. I have always had femdom interests and kinks, even as a kid before I knew what P was, so battling an addiction when it is so easy to see content that seems to speak to my inner desires has been really hard.

 

I also want to add, sometimes I look at my wife or think about my addiction and start crying and feel so sad for watching P. I haven't wanted to do this to her, I haven't wanted to keep watching. But when that part of my brain takes over, it is like I am no longer myself.

 

Hi @MrsSupportive.

As you note, all of our stories are unique. Common addiction; distinct ways of getting here.

For me, fantasy and then masturbation and then porn have been means of avoiding the uncomfortable edges of life. Fantasy started at about twelve as a way of masking the pain of abuse. Over time, masturbation and porn were added, and 'the uncomfortable edges' came to include much more than a rough childhood.

I didn't know this was what I was doing at the time. I didn't know this was what I was doing until a long, long, long time after this all started. But this is what I was doing.

On a related note, my recovery has been every bit as slow and gradual as this addiction's development. It took me more than thirty years to see the problem porn etc had become. I'm now eight years into getting sober from this - and expect to be at it for much longer.

Hope this helps.

 

I think the ego wants us to think that sensual joy is the ultimate reality and to abandon PMO would be equivalent to suicide. While listening to a great ambient piece by Aphex Twin called Stone In Focus on YouTube tonight, I pondered that all the PMO through my life is only a representation of the untapped joys and ecstasies to be discovered within. I've been into yoga for years but now it's time to get really serious about it while the sexual energy gets rechanneled properly. Please understand that PMO is a crude state of energy/awareness and that it can never be destroyed, only it needs to be refined so to leave physical eros and enter spiritual eros, which is in the domain of Tantra sex, and the deepening of intuition and awareness. Everyone craves to be one with someone sexually and spiritually and to connect with the Universe. We'll all be making love forever! Therefore, the first stage is to abandon PMO for life so that the inner life starts to unfold.

 

Opening a thread here was a really good idea. I also recommend that you have a look at journals of PA's, perhaps of the same age group as your husband. Usually the "why" is dealt with in the first few posts. It may give you more questions to ask.

Take care.