I'm a gay man who needs to try something

Hello.

I'm a gay man who has been in a long term closed relationship for 14 years. We no longer have a sex life in our relationship. I think the loss of our sex was caused by many factors including low testosterone for me (and maybe him). We have dealt with most of the issues that were causing us conflict and have been able to put them in the past. Unfortunately we haven't been able to solve the loss of our sex life. My response to this has been to use porn and masturbation as a release. From the online research I have been doing, I now understand the remedy is also a contributor to our nonexistent sex life. Feeling a bit stupid it took me this long to realize that.

This year I started testosterone therapy and I have found my sexual desire coming back. This has resulted in an increase in my porn and masturbation averaging 2-3 times a day. Lately in the last few weeks the minute my body has an urge it's almost a compulsion that I need to address on the spot with porn and masturbation. If I don't, I can feel myself becoming feverish and anxious. It's come to feel mechanical and I am not sure there is any real enjoyment to it.

My online habits are now changing and thats what is bringing me here. My taste in porn really isn't changing, I haven't ventured too far into taboo topics, but the format for finding my sexual high is changing. I spent a few months wasting money on OnlyFans. I am not proud of that and thankful I was finally able to kick that habit. But now the last few weeks I am bypassing porn and visiting chat and dating sites. I get a sexual high from looking at who is available, what activity is going on and who might reach out to me. I have no personal desire to step out on my partner and this behavior scares me as it feels like it is driving me towards that. It's the main reason why I am looking to make changes. I am not sure the jump from porn to other formats means I should be here, but it feels like it so here I am.

I worked with someone I trust and shared all that I am going through. He got me set up with some porn and website blockers to put up some guardrails for me. I am now reading Your Brain on Porn and just conducting overall online research. My partner and I plan to start counseling after the holidays to see if we can recharge our sex life. I feel like I am starting to put the work in, but I will admit I can feel an increase in anxiety and a loss of focus as I go cold turkey off my online activities. I'm also dealing with quite a bit of shame and trying to get to acceptance of what this all means for me.

I am hoping to continue to learn more about this, get a plan in place and maybe an accountability partner I can work with. My plan is to focus on P and maybe M. I have noticed focusing on porn has started to lower the number of sessions of M I have per day. Yesterday I went without, for the first time in a long time.

Sorry for the long intro, felt the need to just get this all out there.

 

Hey and welcome. I'm in a similar boat. Wish you well over the holidays and good luck with your counseling!

And I hope to see the new Spider Man soon!

 

Wow. Thank you for taking the time to share with me. I can identify with so much of what you are saying. More than you realize.

I am pretty sure I can identify the emotional things that occurred that put us where we are and the physical things that only worsened it. We have addressed and cleaned up most of the emotional aspect of things. From a medical side, my pituitary gland is no longer producing LH which is why I started testosterone therapy this year. It also doesn't help age can be a kick in the crotch when it comes to how our bodies physically change and the insecurities that brings to an individual and as a couple.

I am in it for the win and willing to do the work to change course on our relationship. If somehow I can ever be of service in your path forward, please don't hesitate to reach out.

 

I did see that and became a member. Didn’t see any recent activity so haven’t spent too much time there.