I was doing really well for two months, I had finally reunited with my faith and become closer to god. I was thinking about him every day and had hardly any temptations for two months. I had faith in the future and everything was looking good. Then, about 4 weeks ago something happened that I didn't know how to deal with. It sent me into a spiral downward again and after a while I gave in because I lost faith in any future at all. I have been fighting this fight for over 7 years now and it seems like every time I have faith in the future I can easily get over this, but when I lose that faith I can't seem to get it back until I fall so low there is no way to go but up. 4 weeks ago I found out; my older brother by one year was molested for years by our oldest brother, He and I where molested when we where 6 or 7 by my oldest brother. I had convinced myself it was a dream and that I was just a sick person for thinking of that. I spent years trying to understand it and deal with it, I went to confession when I was 8 but I couldn't get the words out to tell the priest what I wasn't even sure had happened. After about three or four years I asked my brother (the one who it happened to) if it really happened and he immediately said no. I thought that was weird so I asked again, and he said no again. I should have pushed further but I was so happy that it was all just a sick dream. It never stopped haunting me and I always wondered what kind of person I was for even thinking of that. After a while I completely believed it was a dream. I am the middle child of 10 siblings. 4 weeks ago I found out I and all of my older brothers where molested, except for the oldest. My older brother was being molested for years and I was his closest friend and I knew nothing about it, but I could have. I was molested and I didn't even know. I was so damn blind and stupid. It feels like something was just inserted into my life that I have no control over, it makes me so mad because I can't do anything to change it. All my life has been a mess of chaos and disorder. My father is a lazy mentally ill artist who rambles about beating up people, but actually just saw it in a movie. My mom is the kind of person who would marry a mentally ill person and have 10 kids with him... I've spent the last 7 years of my childhood since I was 11, In mexico, completely isolated in my room teaching myself programming, I taught myself Calculus 1,2 and 3 when I was 15, philosophy, psychology, religion, and how to live, without any school or help from anyone, using pornography as a way of feeling anything. My mom did the best she could, but she's more of a dad than a mom and she was never around to talk to because it's hard to raise 10 kids in Mexico. Two months ago I finally felt like I was able to put my past behind me and move forward into a brighter future and let it all go. But then I learned about this.. and I can't see any future any more. Everything I've ever done has failed, nothing has gone right, every girl I've ever liked has left me because I'm not normal and I don't know how to act normal. I haven't been in society for 7 years. Everything I've learned over the past 7 years is useless because I can't afford college or get a degree to prove what I know. Everything I have ever worked on has broken and I feel like I'm spiraling down just hopping I can make anything work at all. If I could do anything worth doing it would be enough but everything doesn't work.
First of all, you are not at fault for any of this. I feel like you already know that, but it doesn't hurt to hear it. You aren't cursed to have everything go wrong, what you're experiencing there is a cognitive distortion. But it's completely normal that you would feel that way after going through all that. And for the record you weren't blind and stupid. When someone breaks your trust it's never your fault for trusting them in the first place. Do you still live with the brother that did this to you?
Came here to post. But, saw this. Man thats just... Man you gotta get going? You know what I too don't comprehend what's going on in my head. But, I got certain things in order. I don't know if any of this would help you, you should probably see a therapist or something. This is what has been working at least. Again you have that grit to learn so many things, I don't think I have anything to teach you. Keep continuing what you have been doing. It must be hard, but you did find the resources to learn. Things in the past won't change, perhaps we can work to heal. But we have to look at the future, or just like the past, the future's gonna be fucked as well. Sorry for being so nigga like, but I guess world isn't that rosy nor that bad. We just gotta find our path I guess. I'll say what's working for me at least, and that's discipline. It's been wavering of late, hence my presence here. But, check it out. Just habits, that you follow religiously at a given time, and don't do anything else at that time. Just that passion, or hobby, that you just stick to. There are other thing that happen but at that time, that's the thing I focus on. It doesn't always work out, but hey I can try.
I’m very sorry to hear about your troubles and hope you can find some clarity in all of this. It’s a really scary thing to talk about andnto discover, so thank you for sharing on here. I myself had some very strange sexual experiences and one or two were bordering on sexual abuse. I have always wondered though if there was something I’m blocking from the past due to a few strange things such as a dream and some other stuff. You’re courage has helped me to continue my work with my therapist and I really wish you the best. Please reach out if you need anything. We’re here for you!!
To be cursed is to be gifted! Use your pain to push you forward. You don't need no degree to show your worth. Instead if you believe in your worth, it will show way brighter than a degree!
