I want to introduce myself

Hello dear community,
First of all, I would like to say that my English is very bad and that's why I use the google translator. I still hope that one or the other will take the time for me. I've been a silent reader of this forum for quite some time and I've already taken a lot with me! Unfortunately, my suffering is so strong at the moment that after much back and forth I decided to register here and write down my story of suffering. I have no idea what I'm hoping for... maybe it's just about sharing. As my nickname suggests, I come from Germany. And yes, it's about the tiresome topic of (H)OCD again. I am 33 years old and have suffered from this for 10 years. It just feels like you live to survive for a long time. I was never interested in boys growing up and in my early adult years...at least I think so. I wasn't a late bloomer either, quite the opposite. I had sex with a woman for the first time when I was 13. After that I kept making friends and I was always very much in love. Separation is always very difficult for me and I have always suffered a lot. I've been into pornography since I was 11 years old. I saw hard stuff very early on. So far so good. But then this disease hit me and has made my life unbearable ever since! Everything started about 10 years ago. You have to know that I got married very early and also became a father very early. I got married mainly for religious reasons. That was very important to me at the time and so I got involved, even if all the signs spoke against it. The relationship didn't work, but we forced ourselves to do it anyway... And during that time something in me broke. At that time I became depressed for the first time and took medication. I can remember my first compulsions coming after my daughter was born. And I thought I could molest her. That was a very bad time and if it hadn't stopped quickly, I wouldn't be alive today...because you can't live with that. Shortly thereafter, however, the thought came up that I could be gay and this has been with me for more than 10 years now...sometimes more sometimes less. I can hardly go out on the street without scrutinizing other men. If a man comes too close to me, I get claustrophobic. Perhaps it should also be mentioned that I have been rejecting myself more and more for years. I hate myself and my looks....And envy other men for their looks. As a teenager, I didn't care about anything and I did what I wanted... Since I became a father 10 years ago, my demands on myself and my morals have also increased.

I could still fill pages with my life, that should be enough for a start. Thanks for listening and I hope you can understand the text.

 

Hello,
first of all thank you for your answer! I'm just wondering what I said that makes you uncomfortable? I know that translating with google is not ideal... but unfortunately I have no other option. Unfortunately, there is no community for such diseases in Germany. Unfortunately, our therapists are also very poorly trained... when it comes to OCD. I'm in treatment for my depression, but when I bring up my fears it just says I have to accept it and there's nothing wrong with being gay. Here you're immediately homophobic if you don't accept it. Can it be that one develops some illness for lack of fatherly love? I think I know that my illness began with the death of my father... Man must know that my father could not really love. And no matter what I achieved, it was never enough. Everything I've done, I've done to please my father. But it was never enough. He always rejected me. I'm just never happy with myself. Maybe the result of never being good enough.

 

Unfortunately, it wasn't translated quite as correctly as I thought it would. I definitely never wanted to be intimate with my daughter. Just writing it makes me sick. It was just after giving birth, just the fear I might get aroused. I'm 100% sure it was just OCD too. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't be alive today! Before I would do something like that, I would take my life. Luckily it was only a short phase and passed quickly. My daughter is now 11 years old and even though there isn't much to be proud of (subjectively speaking), I'm still a really great father. I would like to know from others with (H)OCD if the mechanisms are always the same? For example, when I drank alcohol (and unfortunately I do far too much), my (H)OCD almost disappeared. It's still there, but I laugh about it. Probably due to the anxiolytic effects of alcohol. One point I would like to address is my antidepressants. I am currently taking SSRIs and my libido has been greatly reduced as a result. I have a girlfriend and we're going to have a child soon (happy), but I hardly ever feel like it. Which of course makes my (H)OCD worse. I've also gained a lot of weight. It's just a vicious cycle. Have any of you had similar experiences?

 

Hello and thank you for your answer!
I'm aware that you shouldn't consume alcohol on SSRIs, but unfortunately I can only relax when I've had something to drink. Yes I know it's an addiction. I've been using cannabis regularly since I was 14. I know that people with AD(H)S have a greater potential for addiction. But I also know so many other people who have their lives under control with the same combination and are happy. I just don't know what else to do. I am aware that there are no psychologists here and that it is difficult to give advice from afar, but just sharing it is good for me. Does anyone know what it's like when you see no more hope? You look into the future and think: you just have to hold out for another 30 or 40 years....then you'll have it behind you. I just want to get rid of these thoughts and be happy. Not knowing who or what you are drives you crazy.