I want peace

Does your new gf know about your addiction? What does she know about your relationship with your ex? Is it possible to talk to your new gf about the old one? That's your best bet is to tell her about your thoughts.

 

I think it’s good to first identify the problem. What exactly do you miss about your ex? Was it her personality, her looks, specific things she did during sex? For example, here you mention you think about oral with her. Is the oral lacking with your current girlfriend? During sex, the best thing you can do is to communicate what you want and what feels good. If you can be honest with your current girlfriend and say “I really like it when you do X” or “you should try doing more of X when you go down on me” I think that might help. Usually when you are having thoughts of stuff like this, it’s likely because you are feeling some sort of lack with what you have now. Now of course I could be completely off base here, but I do think it’s at least worth considering.

 

The unfortunate reality of the situation is that your girlfriend probably won’t go down on you every day if that’s not something she is particularly into, but I still think you should talk to her about your sexual preferences. It’s not needy to want to engage in sex in a way that excites you. You can frame it in a way where you express what you like in a sexual relationship with her and also ask her what she likes that you do during sex, or what you could do more of. Sex is not a one sided thing, it requires proper communication to get it right. You won’t always have that incredible spark right away, it takes time and an understanding of your partner’s needs. It’s ok to have needs, as long as you express what you want in a non-demanding way and make sure to take care of her needs too. And at the end of the day if it’s still bad, that’s when you need to consider how important the sexual aspect of the relationship is to you. Do you love her enough that the sex doesn’t have to be perfect? Or would you be happier exploring a relationship with someone else that’s more sexually compatible with you? All I know is the thoughts of your ex won’t stop until you change the way your relationship is now, one way or another. You’re unsatisfied in some way, which is why you’re hung up on it still. Talk with your gf in a polite, sensitive way that considers both her needs and yours. Hope this works out for you man.

 

If she feels like you aren't interested in having sex to connect with her, but only as a means to get an orgasm, sellers probably not going to be very inclined to have sex with you. Especially if she thinks you always want her to give you oral every single time beforehand. Do you ever offer to do that for her? Or better yet, you could offer to do that for her with no strings attached, and I mean NOTHING expected in return. I clearly don't know either of you, but from your post, it sounds like she may feel you're only using her for sex for your own gratification and don't care about her desires at all.

To me persoanlly, it definitely sounds like you may be prideful, at least when it comes to getting sex from her, how and when you want it. Just my two cents.

My guess is that those things happen because you're an addict and haven't worked your own program of recovery to see your own faults and improve yourself beyond this kind of mentality.

 

Sure, I'm happy to help! So the recovery program I work for myself is not easy or quick. It involves a lot of time and effort searching yourself for resentments and faults. It is a program that most people stay VERY clear of because of the work it involves, but I would absolutely be VERY willing to bet every cent I have that I'm doing better in my recovery than 99% or more of people who don't work their programs of recovery the way I work mine.

I am a member of the 12 step group Sexaholics Anonymous. Yes, I go to at least one meeting a week with other people, usually only men but we have had a few ladies here and there) and we share our stories, listen to anyone else who wants to share. Then we read a topic from one of the SA books, then anyone who wants to share their thoughts on the reading, or anything else relevant to their lust addiction is encouraged to do so. Shortly after I first started going to my local SA meeting, I found someone there who had been involved in the program for awhile that I saw myself getting along with and learning from, and he is now my SA sponsor. I call him daily to talk about struggles, victories, defeats, and anything else that I feel I need to talk about, whether it's related to my lust addiction or not. Nothing is off limits to discuss as long as I still have a heart for true recovery and sexual sobriety.

I'd love to know your thoughts and if you're willing to move forward with this. I'm happy to help you get started and I'm definitely willing to keep in touch with you along the way.

If it's not something you think you're ready for, then that's cool too.... just remember what I said about the 99%.

 

Great! I'll send you a pm.