I want other girls!

I think that's an affect of watching p***. At day 0 I felt pretty desperate for sex, but at the point I'm at currently (93 days) I don't feel that anymore. Sure, it would be nice, but I feel as though it's not central to my life, and I can be happy pursuing other endeavors like drawing, reading, my career, and general social bonding.

 

It's porn. This is just my opinion, but I think porn addicts need hard mode. Most in relationships fall off of that around day 60, and that can be fine, but without that break I think guys stay in a porn mindset. You're not using sex for bonding, to keep your relationship steady. You're not doing it for her. You are using her body to get off and your brain won't "rewire."

You have to learn how to live without S, before you learn to live with it.

 

I just want to marinate that feeling again.

I was self confident and my stamina was off the roof. Wanting to meet girls was no problem, always wanted to go out side, always wanted to meet new people. Boy have I changed...

 

If you're only a month into this, it may be too early to determine if you're even doing something wrong. The conditioning can take a while to go away. If it has been 2-3 months, then I think it may be a good idea to consider a period of abstinence. If you're comfortable doing so, I'd say bring this up to your wife.

I do agree with @Meshuga though. Hard mode is the tried and true for addicts to make progress.

At the end of the day though, only you can decide what to do.

 

Let me say if you have a girl who has a high sex drive, do everything to keep her. My friends complain of their wives, gf, lack of interest. Looking back, I let some girls go, that were great sex partners and now my youth has passed, I regret it.

 

I do remember, when I was getting sex, I did feel horny still. But didn't act on it. Man, you wife sounds terrific. Look after her, believe me, they are not all like that. She finds you sexually attractive, that's a gift, cherish it.

 

My addict is thoroughly convinced that 2 is better than 1. And 4 is better than 2. And 10 is better than 4. And 100 is better than 10. And 1000 is never enough. So yeah, monogamy has been a hard thing for me to grasp. But I'm telling you that I'm deluded. I'm falling for a lie if I think that I'm missing out by choosing monogamy.

Having more partners will not satisfy me. It will only make me want even more. Plus, I'm exposing myself to SDI's, unwanted pregnancies, and legal ramifications.

Having one partner ensures that I continually remain aroused by her. My addict lies to me saying that I can entertain lust, fantasy, porn, have a few affairs, use a few hookers,

aaaannnnnnd have a wonderful sexual relationship with my wife.

Such a lie. Non-users intrinsically know that 1 is better than 2. And certainly a lot better than 4.

 

Bruh I’m dealing wit the same I have A girlfriend of three years love her daily and it’s like I want more started talking to an old friend from years ago we never got A chance to date but we did have sex and it was too good but our vibe is like amazing we got A connection now it’s like I’m stuck in A hard place I can be having feelings for two women now I’m totally screwed , she came over to see me two weeks ago ended up having sex now I’m jus stuck with guilt not knowing what to do

 

It’s great that she’s into it/you, that’s awesome, even. I just think, based on personal experience and years of observation, that your brain is dependent on dopamine overdose through sexual stimulation. She’s “helping” you not jo or watch P, by being a substitute. Your brain still uses sex as a way to self-soothe, not as a bonding activity. As long as your brain uses sex to soothe, you are going to want to escalate through novelty; different acts, different partners, different scenarios.

The only way I’ve seen addiction break is by disconnecting from porn mentality entirely, by taking sex out of the category of “fun thing I do to feel better” into “fun thing I do with my partner.” The only way to do that is to learn how to soothe without sex.

I swear this isn’t a moral crusade. I’m not trying to shame you, I’m not anti-sex. I’m very much pro sex, and pro relationships. I’m just saying, I think the options are to take a break, learn how to soothe without sex, and return to a fulfilling relationship, or continue using her to soothe and always being a little dissatisfied with her.

 

Thank you sir.
I wholeheartedly agree with you.

 

Novelty. Porn gives us new woman instantly, and that’s arousing. Try masturbating to the same pornstar only and you’ll get tired of her after a while, so you seek out new stuff.

If you can mate with many different women, your evolutionary chances of success increase. It’s hardwired to turn men on to get a shot at new pussy. Porn conditions that urge drastically higher.

It may help to develop deeper intimacy with your wife and have slower sex. Try new things in bed that she also wants to try. Does she know about your NoFap goals?

 

Do you have any recommendations on how to "soothe" without sex? I think you have exactly described how my brain works... using PMO to soothe emotional turbulence.. the exact perfect description is what you just wrote ...

 

This is an effect of watching porn as it makes you lustful in day to day life, Focus on Nofap and your woman as these are the good things in your life and you don’t want to give it up just for a different girl.

 

Yes, of course. You’re right. Sex with the same person will never be as exciting as your fantasy. Trust me it’s not as exciting for her either. It’s also not that important in the scheme of things. I’m sure heroin users miss their high. It really comes down to what’s more important to you, your health and relationships, or chasing that high you get from pmo?

 

Tl;dr
Exercise, figure out what you’re getting out of sex/your fetish and find a better way to meet that need, remind yourself you’re kicking ass and the suffering you currently experience is evidence that it’s working, eliminate as many sources of distress as you can afford including social media, news, and dating apps, and do things that make you happy.

Yes. I used to experience a physical sensation in my head when I O’d, a cool, euphoric wash under the scalp. It was especially noticeable if I’d been abstinent for a while, a “while” meaning a few days, up to two weeks at that time. I’d felt it at other times as well, when caught in a patriotic or religious moment. In what I thought was an unconnected part of my life, I took to running regularly as part of physical fitness. My goal, since I had served in the Army, was a 14 minute 2 mile. One day, when I was on a NoFap streak and struggling to push on the last quarter mile to make something close to my goal, I got that cool, euphoric sensation in my head again. That’s when I made the connections to what I’d been reading on NoFap, and recalled those patriotic and religious moments. It was dopamine.

I don’t feel it every time I run. Honestly, I don’t feel it often any more, probably because I’ve built a significant tolerance and changed the way I run. That doesn’t mean the dopamine drip isn’t opened, just that I’m not getting blasted with it, and a more regulated distribution of dopamine throughout the day instead of receiving massive concentrated doses for hyper-specific (and anti-social) behavior (PMO) is a good thing. To soothe, you need your own natural dopamine sources. None of them will seem as easy or satisfying as PMO. The entire evolutionary point of dopamine is to get you interested in paying attention to and doing things you would not normally do, things that are boring in the short term and require sacrifice, or rare opportunities you need to take advantage of right away. Things like running fast or lifting a lot, completing a big project, bonding with friends. When you stop PMO and start seeking other ways to soothe, even when they are “working,” your brain is trained to be a spoiled petulant child who had a birthday and a new pony every single day, and nothing is going to be good enough and things will still be unpleasant. That’s why we escalate, even when we do PMO. However, spending time seeking the things you do like to do, and working out, working on big and small projects, connecting with people, these will increase your regular supply of dopamine, replacing the irregular, massive infusions of cheap dope (but without serotonin or oxytocin) you used to get from PMO.

There is also a psychological component. It’s particularly noticeable when we fixate on a fetish, but the porn you are attracted to does not need to be named as a genre to have a consistency, which indicates a specific “need” that isn’t being met in real life. It can be a need for control, escape from overwhelming responsibility, resentment for something you feel you are owed, affirming a sense of inferiority, which doesn’t sound like something a person needs or wants but is a firm place in a hierarchy and provides a sense of belonging. I’m not a psychologist, and psychology is an extremely soft science that we don’t understand all that well anyway, so I don’t have a flow chart for how to figure out what your deal is. For me, it was connected to a sense of worth. It never stood to even twelve seconds of thought, but it was about feeling like I was a good person and I had several beliefs that had to be unraveled over a long period of time with a lot of reinforcement in order to break those connections. Eventually, though, PMO moved from a self-soothing but also distressing activity, to just a distressing activity. Now there’s still an animal part of me that responds positively to a woman on sexual display, but a lot of alarm bells go off and I legitimately want to avoid them, because I know, know, the display doesn’t mean what I used to think it means.

Self talk has been a good piece for that. I’m very big on honesty, especially with myself (which makes P anathema, as the entire thing is based on fantasy and lies), so I avoid baseless claims and empty affirmations. I’m not going to listen to motivational mantras or memes in those girly curleycue fonts that say I’m amazing just the way I am. Number one, they don’t know who I am. I could be the spiritual descendant of Ed Gein, “my truth” could be that I am the most important person in the world and everyone else exists to serve my darkest pleasures, and the way I “dare to be different” is by turning the necrotic skins of women into upholstery, for all those apps and Instagram bullshitters know. Do you know how many people I have met who were 100% convinced their abusive parenting practices were the only legitimate, God-breathed method of raising children? Blindly dispensing “positive” self-talk isn’t just stupid, it’s irresponsible. Number two, I’m not perfect just the way I am. If I was perfect just the way I was, I wouldn’t have the anxiety or depression or whatever poor mental health spot I’m in that motivates me to look at your filthy, rotten, deceptive memes. If I believed that meaningless drivel, I’d still be addicted to PMO. No, I am not perfect just the way I am. I’m a train wreck of a person, Planned Parenthood should put my life on billboards to sell abortions. So my self-talk begins with self-examination, and since I’m legit a little crazy all of the time and prone to forget, the self-examination has to be simplified into that mantra-like form.

“Am I making the best use of my time?”​

Sometimes “best use” means doing my job, sometimes it means taking care of my messes, sometimes it means taking a break from my job to run, so I have the mental/emotional reserves to do my job later. But sometimes I catch myself not making the best use, and then I can fix it. Regardless, after I ask that question and can intellectually affirm or adjust my behavior, it doesn’t matter how I feel, doesn’t matter what I did yesterday, doesn’t matter that I failed my streak and my balls hurt and I disassociated and yelled at my kids. I mean, it does matter. I’d rather not be in that space. But at least I’m doing everything I should to make it better right now, and that is comforting. That fuels hope, and hope is what keeps me and you off of behaviors that are immensely gratifying in the present, but we believe are harmful to us in the long game.

I got emotional and wordy when I was just trying to spit a few tips, I apologize. One of the best things you can do to self-soothe without PMO/selfish sex is to reduce the distress in your life. Take out your need to soothe in the first place. You won’t ever be able to eliminate all sources of distress, and that’s ok. I don’t believe we were designed, by God or nature or whatever system you ascribe to, to be without distress. I have noticed a peculiar habit in people, when they don’t have enough conflict in their life, they run off and seek it out. You though, you’re trying to break an intense addiction where the drug is free and endlessly available in your pocket at all times, you have enough problems, so you need to cut out every piece of extra conflict that you can and I have a few tips for that as well.

Stop social media. All of it. No Instagram, no /r, no YouTube, no Facebook (if you’re old and still using Facebook), no Tocks or Ticks or whatever the kids are doing. Don’t. For one thing, you started all those algorithms as an addict and they are probably flooded with P subs that will lure you back to full PMO. For another, they are designed to give you that same cheap, in every sense of the word, dopamine but not ever enough that you’ll be satisfied and stop clicking. Those “free” platforms get paid through your time, so they want to keep you seeking, seeking, seeking for that next meme that makes you chuckle or get a flare of righteous anger, but never enough for you to put the phone down and do something with your life. Social media is not the best use of your time. Get rid of it.
Stop the news. Stop it now. You can’t do anything about Biden, you can’t do anything about the Ukraine, you can’t do anything about critical race theory or guns or vaccines or whatever it is they are talking about. I honestly have no idea, I stopped consuming news about three years into the Trump administration so I only have a vague idea of what people are getting up in arms about these days. News is like social media. They want you hooked on their product, and the addictive emotions that sell news are Fear and Anger. Left wing or right, they want you convinced your way of life is about to be upended and apocalypse is coming if you don’t… keep informed? Look, I’ve lived through a Clinton, an Obama, two Bushes and a Trump, and the sky never fell. Not even once and if it did? I wouldn’t have been able to do poop about it. Stop the news. It only makes you angry and anxious and want to distract yourself with PMO.
If you’re single, don’t use dating apps. No apps. Same reasons as social media, they’re a cesspit of P subs and, added to that, the entire platform enforces a shallow perception of sex and relationships, what makes a good partner, and what these things are even for. What, you’re sad because the girl with the big knockers didn’t respond positively to your DM? You lost the game, but it was a stupid one and the prize probably wasn’t good. Pro tip: the people on dating apps are a self-selected population of people who overvalue appearance and undervalue intelligence, loyalty, and people capable of long-term commitment, ie, good relationship partners. “Oh it’s cool man, I’m only there to hook up.” Yeah, that’s still porn. If you can regularly get hookups through dating apps, congratulations on being part of the top 3% I guess but honestly, you’re still feeding the mindset of porn and the sex you’re going to get from it isn’t going to be good. For the other 97% of guys, don’t let yourself get sucked into that cycle of rejection that leads into Black Pill resentment and despair. Own the fact that healthy romantic connections are actually precious and rare, that it’s hard to find a worthy mate that fits with you, and it’s hard to make yourself and to maintain being a worthy mate. Make that one of your long term projects; finding out what makes a good mate and finding that person, and being that person. No dating apps.

Listen to good music, stare at a tree, spend an hour on a video game, clean and organize your space, buy and wear a nice shirt, stand straight with your shoulders back and remind yourself you are making the best use of your time. And if that isn’t true, make it true. That’s how to self-soothe without sex.